Cherry Cracker Kool-Aid:
As we head back to the wonderful world of Kool-Aid on this, the very eve of Independence Day, it's perfectly fitting to dust off one of the most unique flavors laying in my vault, protected by a Ziploc bag and a guard ape. It's "Cherry Cracker" -- the official Kool-Aid of the Fourth of July! It's unlike anything else you'll see in this section, proven by the mile-long image that follows this dainty paragraph...
Click here for a right-side-up version of the image. Kool-Aid isn't a seasonal affair, but the company knew the truth: Barring unforeseen circumstances, most of us don't go near the stuff till it's hot out. In the summer of 1991, they took advantage of our renewing interest with one of the very few flavors specifically intended for a holiday celebration. Look, if it's July 4th and you have the option to drink something with the Kool-Aid Man and Uncle Sam himself on the package, you're going to drink it. You can't resist that, nor should you. And while images of Uncle Sam, fireworks and the Statue of Liberty would've sufficed, Kool-Aid went three steps further. Why? Because three is an American number.
Sold in cellophane-wrapped packages of four half-sized packets, this was, in their words, "the punch that popped." Yes folks, it's the first and only Kool-Aid capable of creating fireworks. Each packet contained a typical amount of standard
Cherry Kool-Aid mix, but with a super hot additive:
Pop Rocks. They don't call 'em Pop Rocks anywhere on the package, but buddy, they're Pop Rocks. The science was never perfected and the trick only half works, but in theory, you'd be drinking Cherry Kool-Aid that exploded for a good minute or two right in your glass. The only edibles possibly more catered to Independence Day are hot dogs with "U.S.A." scribbled across them in squirt ketchup.
I'd take an exploding beverage over tomato patriotism any day of the week.
It's been nearly fifteen years since Cherry Cracker graced grocery store shelves, and you might assume this to mean that the promotion wasn't at all successful. That may be true, but most Kool-Aid flavors go extinct for a far less personal reason: shelf space. Stores are only willing to devote a certain amount of real estate to Kool-Aid, meaning that they're only willing to buy a certain number of flavors. Regular Cherry, Tropical Punch, Lemonade -- these are going to be there no matter what. Even flavor kings like Purplesaurus Rex and Sunshine Punch lost their footing in the madness, but Cherry Cracker's plight was far greater. The packages weren't sized like any of the other Kool-Aid flavors, necessitating new and bigger spaces at grocery stores. Finally, the loose band of supermarket managers unionized, and as their first act, picketed Kraft's silver-lined headquarters and forced them to halt production of any Kool-Aid varieties that competed for space with peanut butter and cylinders of bread crumbs. In short, supermarket managers are the true enemy of the state.
So, as it was only available for approximately three weeks of the universe's entire history, Cherry Cracker must be considered one of the rarest Kool-Aid flavors of all. And I have it. Muahahah. Soon as I'm done here, I'm writing up a one-sheet and taking this shit to the museum. See ya in Nassau on my yacht, bitches.
It's not possible to show you how the stuff works, as the less everlasting Pop Rocks pellets turned to goop, combined with the Cherry mix and left me only with rock-hard, glass-like slivers of red death. You'll have to use your imagination on this one -- picture dumping a package of Pop Rocks into a glass of red Kool-Aid. It ain't a concoction that'll ever grace the cover of Food & Wine, but for kids, curiosity seekers and freaks, it's the drink that makes even moonshine seem less braggable.
I followed the
instructions meticulously, but as
this movie proves, Cherry Cracker enjoys only a finite span of effectiveness. It'll turn water red, but at this age, it is no longer the punch that pops -- only the punch that has big, triangle-shaped pieces of red rock floating in it. Drinking this without being mindful of the hard, sharp pieces is as dangerous as a handheld Roman Candle, so even in its failure, Cherry Cracker remains more 4th of July-like than any other Kool-Aid.
Packs of Cherry Cracker also included a Wacky Warehouse
order form -- the world's only avenue to a sound-activated Dancin' Kool-Aid Man. The flavor may be gone, but c'mon, it's the 4th. That'll
always be Kool-Aid's day. Don't waste it. Drink it. Like Bruce Willis in that movie with stomach holes,
you have to.
--
Matt
