INCREDIBERRY Kool-Aid:
Okay folks, this is a bona fide 100% grade A certified triplified Kool-Aid heavy hitter. Incrediberry Kool-Aid is...God, words fail me. It's everything Kool-Aid should be -- it's an unbelievably perfect balance of everything a kid could want from a soft drink. Dare I? Dare I call it the perfect Kool-Aid flavor? I just might. It just might be the perfect Kool-Aid flavor.
See, I never even knew Incrediberry existed until somewhat recently, just before finally consigning myself to a life spent hunting for old Kool-Aid packets. While other character-based super-flavors like Purplesaurus Rex and Sharkleberry Fin fit into the window of my childhood, Incrediberry bloomed slightly later in the game -- in times when I was already off preparing for more important things, like buying Kurt Cobain cardigans and spelling my name "Maat." It slipped through my fingers. I am really, really mad at my fingers right now.
When I finally saw the package art, it was only on a website -- I'd never held the real deal in my hands until just a few hours prior to writing this. There's a hundred reasons why Incrediberry rocks, but let's start with the obvious: The packaging...
The maize yellow was an unusual choice for a background color, but it's an eye-grabber nonetheless. More importantly, the Kool-Aid Man has turned into some kind of futuristic cosmonaut fashion plate, flying through the clouds with rocket-powered boots and wearing sunglasses stolen from somebody who knows how to play guitar. Maybe I'm just too excited right now, but how could I not think that this is the
coolest incarnation of the Kool-Aid Man of all time? Guy looks like he should be teaming up with freakin Spider-Man here.
I could go on and on, but then you might get bored and stop reading before I praise Jeheezus for creating whatever the hell that big red wet monster is. The living embodiment of the flavor at hand, the creature can only be referred to as "Incrediberry" -- a maddeningly happy, flying form of squishy fruit juice who wields giant strawberries and giant raspberries. Okay, okay, Kool-Aid Man and Incrediberry are so obviously competing for first place in an awesomeness competition. There's no other explanation. I mean, this is just
nuts -- even for Kool-Aid! And Kool-Aid
invented nuts! (See: Root Beer Kool-Aid.)
I don't understand how this stuff didn't catch on. It's so far and beyond good that I swear there's hidden cameras somewhere in my bedroom, secretly taping footage for a new reality series where people go overeuphorically insane over crazy-great Kool-Aid flavors. America wants to see people make asses of themselves over Kool-Aid, and whatever foul company put the cameras in here is going to deliver. And for the record, I wouldn't be able to type things like this for any other Kool-Aid flavor, so if you doubted the incredibility of Incrediberry, the scotch-taped sign on your back reads "Bearer of Shame."
(click either pic to enlarge)
Wait, wait, it gets better! Certain Kool-Aid flavors lived off the gimmick of having powder that changed colors after water was added, and Incrediberry was one of the first. Before we begin, note that the stench of this one is unlike anything else from the collection -- it's exactly the same whiff of heaven you get after ripping open the "red bag" on a package of
Fun Dip. Most Kool-Aid flavors pretend they're real fruit -- Incrediberry does 'em one better: It pretends it's real candy!
The powder is a fine, golden color at first -- much richer than what we're used to from Kool-Aid. After slopping the gunk into a pitcher that was cleaned but not fully dry, the gold quickly disappeared, replaced by a foxy red that put me in the mood for tobiko sushi. If you ever pick up one of the color-changing Kool-Aid flavors, I strongly recommend duplicating this process. It's a lot more fun to see the shit go all bizarro on you in slow motion than to just douse it with a gallon of water, sapping all of the fun in a lousy two seconds. If there was anything natural at all about Kool-Aid, this shit could be on the Nature Channel. Time lapsed, set to a jungle beat. Click either of the pictures above for the larger versions, and tell me you're not inspired to grab a canvas and fucking paint.
And yet, despite the triumphs seen on the package art and despite the magic of a color-changing drink mix, Incrediberry could still fail. If it tasted bad, everything would be ruined. We'd then know that all of the wonderful experiences shared up until the point of the taste-test served only to mask its true horror.
But then I looked back at the package, just under the flavor title. Holy shit, it's strawberry/raspberry! The two ultimate flavors rolled into one! The red...and the other red! The Kool-Aid Man was going for
broke! Look, they could've just come out with a flavor called "Strawberry-Raspberry," ditched the theatrics, and I still would've sat here tonight telling you it was the best drink ever. Tack on those extra elements, and now we know what's served in the afterlife to people who went to church and never lied.
Amazingly, the sum of strawberries and raspberries is worth more than those two parts. It's even better than I could've imagined -- sweet and subtly assaulting, the thick red hue still bears traces of its yellow father around the rim. I don't want to christen the #1 Kool-Aid flavor so early in the game, and I'm probably not ready to take back all of the for-keeps things I said about Sharkleberry Fin being my favorite. Still, this Incrediberry stuff is something else. It's the kind of thing that should be
saved and made into your
computer wallpaper. Just this once, I'm going to allow myself the cliche: OH YEAH.
--
Matt
