X-Entertainment!

Slammin' Strawberry-Kiwi Kool-Aid:
I haven't written a Kool-Aid review in quite some time, and I'd like to try out two possible explanations why:

The Poetic Reason: I love Kool-Aid, but when I was writing about it constantly, I found my love diluted by the need to transform awesome, fruity beverages into dirty, exploitative content. As this section remained dormant for over a year, I had the chance to reacquaint myself with Kool-Aid simply as a fan and as a mister version of a mistress. Now, I'm refueled.

The Direct Reason: Got tired of writing about Kool-Aid. Stopped. Now I'm starting again.

You can hold onto whichever explanation works best for you.

The fact is, it's summertime, and that's Kool-Aid season. It's true that I've already written about the brand's best flavors, but does the fun have to end there? Did people stop watching Paulie Walnuts after he peaked in the Pine Barrens? Heck no. While Purplesaurus Rex may very well end up as a tattoo on my forehead someday, the less-celebrated Kool-Aid flavors are still tasty, still interesting and still very much deserving of a small tribute on X-Entertainment.

I enter today's review of "Slammin' Strawberry-Kiwi" knowing that only ten people on the planet give a shit about it, but also with the knowledge that only one person gave a shit about Charlie Brown's Christmas tree until the 28:10 mark. Like that tree, Slammin' Strawberry Kiwi Kool-Aid just needs a little love.

As part of the "Island Twists" sub-brand of the '90s, Slammin' Strawberry Kiwi was in the company of better-known flavors, such as Man-O-Mango Berry. On the swear-to-God-it-exists Kool-Aid collectors' market, it's a pretty rare flavor to find. This is partly because it's still being produced under the more succinct "Twists" Kool-Aid flavor umbrella, but mostly because nobody loved the original version enough to save some packs for Generation Z.

When you get right down to it, the problem is that this particular flavor was half kiwi. In my own little world where facts needn't apply, kids weren't quite ready to accept kiwis into the pantheon of acceptable fruity candy flavors in the early '90s. Kiwis are an acquired taste, and nobody wants to spend ugly "acquainting time" when they're drinking heavenly Kool-Aid. If someone was charged with getting acquainted with kiwis, they'd probably save it for a less critical experience, like say, when Grandma brings out a pie that isn't filled with cherries. We can deal with a learning experience for something as inconsequential as Grandma's pie, but Kool-Aid? Fuck no. If you were going to drink Kool-Aid, you made damn well sure that it was a flavor you'd kiss and marry.

Slammin' Strawberry-Kiwi caters more to the adult palette, so I'm happy that I'm old enough to consider my palette on-target. Hot pink packages and graphical representations of the Kool-Aid Man chilling out aside, this is a sophisticated flavor for sophisticated people.

You may now scratch out everything I just wrote in big black marker, because this stuff is sour power to the max and 100% kid-approved. It's also Matt-approved, as it tastes like the kind of Kool-Aid that I'd make in my laboratory using elements from several different flavors. There isn't an ounce of kiwiness to be gulped, with Slammin' Strawberry-Kiwi tasting more like a light-on-the-lemon strawberry/lemonade mixture. I don't break out the "boss" adjective often, but that's what it is. Boss.

So boss, in fact, that it only took one glass for me to push Slammin' Strawberry-Kiwi all the way to my fabled Kool-Aid Top 5 list in terms of flavor. It's tart, but the impact is jussst subtle enough to make this the perfect beverage with which to fill a giant-sized plastic cup before settling into a recliner to watch TV Land reruns. It'll keep you lip-smackingly alert, but it won't turn your stomach into your enemy.

It's still available today in one form or another, but with better branding, Slammin' Strawberry-Kiwi could've been a true champion rather than a mere survivor. The Kool-Aid Man was pretty hands-off when it came to the Island Twist flavors, but this one really needed him. Or, if not him, then maybe its own character, like how Incrediberry had that flaming yellow dude, or how Sharkleberry Fin had a pink shark in sunglasses.