Sadly enough, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles craze probably hit me as hard as it possibly could. I was completely engulfed with it's ongoing legacy - the toys, the show, the movies, the fucking cereal, the stupid Spaghettios...you name it, I had it. I was a Turtle nut, but it all started....with a brain.

My adventures with the TMNT began one day in the late 80s at my friend's house across the street watching cartoons. They were watching the Turtles, something I had heard about but not really paid attention to - until I saw Krang. Sweet, glorious Krang. All 12 pounds of pink alien brain Krang.

I had always been obsessed with the idea of the secondary villain, even in childhood. They're the ones who're usually far more evil and cunning than their 'leaders', even though they might seem a little off. Such was the case with Krang. Yeah, you go into the show thinking Shredder's the main bad guy...but then you see who's really responsible for all the evil - it's Krang! It's Krang!

So, it all started with Krang.

As those who know me know, I'm also obsessed with toys. My house, even today, looks like a 1984 Toys R Us. It's a delicate mixture between action figures and New Order posters, but we're getting off track. Krang - the toy. Now, TMNT figures were hot as fucking hell back in 'these days', and I would literally have my mother bring me to Kay Bee and Toys R Us on a nightly basis, especially when the elusive Scumbug and Mondo Gecko were rumored to have hit the shelves. But one of the figures eluded me - and of course, it was the one I wanted the most: Krang.

It took several months for me to find the cute little alien brain, but I finally did, and I never let him go. In fact, I'm holding him right now.

While Krang never had any role whatsoever in the trilogy of TMNT movies, he was THE MAN on the show. His android body, which looked sort of like a cross between that Goonie thing from Popeye and Tor, had all kinds of crazy gadgets and powers. Plus, Krang nestled all snug in it's belly was a picture meant for the front of Christmas cards. Hard to think that this lovable pink brain was actually banished from his homeworld of Dimenson X!

Krang was the one who usually conjured up the plots -- and while most would fail within a 20 minute time period, hey, at least he tried. Look what he had to work with! Shredder, who was more concerned with Turtle soup than world domination, robots that made even the Star Wars Stormtroopers seem like a threat to the good guys, plus two mutants who never changed their clothes! It's not like he had a stacked deck in his favor. He did what he could, and he did it well.

Of course, that isn't to say Krang isn't eccentric. He's a fucking weirdo. I've gone to Hell and back to find some background info on everyone's favorite brain, and here's what I was able to pick up:

· Name: Krang
· Nicknames: Lord, Supreme Ruler, Warlord, Master
· Place of Origin: Dimension X
· Species: Alien brain
· Height: 1 foot
· Weight: 12 lbs.
· Favorite Color: Pink
· Personality: Ruthless, yet sarcastic.
· Hobbies: Enjoys overpowering others (on both small and large scales) and taking what they have.

I don't know about you, but I never heard anyone call Krang 'Warlord'. And his species is NOT Alien brain like this idiot website that had their profile claims. He was stripped of his body when banished from Dimension X! Everybody knows that! Overpowering others on both small and large scales? What the fuck is that all about? TAKING WHAT THEY HAVE?! Christ, who wrote this, Mutagen Man?

I also uncovered this top secret bio on Krang.

Krang is the supreme warlord of Dimension X, a place defined by war and civil unrest. He is power-hungry and his chief motivation is to become the ruler of the entire universe. These maniacal aspirations led to his banishment from Dimension X. He ended up on Earth, and he was merely a brain since his body had been lost on the trip. Knowing he would need a replacement body in order to survive, he teamed up with Oroko Saki (Shredder), who promised to create his body. In return, Krang agreed to provide him with vast technical knowledge, weaponry, soldiers, and firepower with which he could take over the planet.

At first, Krang was more concerned with returning to Dimension X to resume his rule and to expand it; however, the powerful technology and weaponry he has provided Shredder with (including, among other things, mutagen and the Technodrome) have not helped him defeat the Ninja Turtles, his biggest foes. Because of his inability to bring Shredder victory over his arch-enemies, Krang has changed his priorities. He still wishes to conquer and become ruler of the universe, but he will not concentrate on that until the Turtles have been crushed.

There. That one's a little more on the mark.

Famous Krang quote, anyone?

"I hate turtles, I dispise turtles, and I'm not to fond of computers either!"

"I shouldn't have joined forces with a ninja. Next time I conquer a planet, I'm using an accountant."

Come on. Does it get any better than that? Yes. It sure does. I'm proud to present, for the first time this month, LIVE, AUDIO, KRANGISMS!!!

These are .wav files. VERY short downloads, and DEFINITELY worth it. NOTE: PLEASE download these, they're extremely fucking funny...

Krang #1 - Hear Krang introduce himself to those nasty Turtles!
Krang #2 - Hear Krang learn to deal with his plights by making jokes about his condition.
Krang #3- Krang busts on Bebop and Rocksteady.
Krang #4 - This one is just fucking nuts!

I love Krang, and you should too. He's our lord and savior, and he should be revered as such. This is just the first of what I'm sure will be at least of few TMNT character profiles here on X-E for the legions and LEGIONS of TMNT fans out there. I wouldn't feel right not giving due credit to Baxter Stockman or the Rat King. But for now, enjoy Krang for what he is - your God.

Later,
Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com