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Stupid Saved By The Bell Character Profile - #2 - Lisa Turtle
Matt - 04/25/00

Last time around, we took a look at Bayside's most bodacious jock/cook/dancer/drummer, A.C. Slater. Moving up the ladder, this time we're going to discuss Saved by the Bell's obligatory minority character, Lisa Turtle.

For the only character who didn't have too many bouts with depression on the show, Lisa certainly had reasons to wear black and paint sad clowns. Firstly, her real name was Lark Voorhies. Lark Voorhies! You know what this means. Lark Voorhies -> Jason Voorhies -> Lark is Jason's sister -> Lark is black -> Jason is black -> Jason only killed white people -> Jason is racist.

Seriously though, you'd think in this age of celebrity spin doctors being so common, someone would've told the poor girl to change her name before applying for acting jobs. Had she done that, maybe she would've done something more after SBTB besides a shitty remake of Solid Gold.

Lisa really didn't bring much to the show as far as comedy goes. Generally, she was there to make the occassional comment about fashion or deny poor Screech's sexual advances. Remember that one episode where Lisa was allergic to Screech? And she did nothing but twitch for the entire episode? This unfortunately was just about the full range of acting skills we'd get out of Ms. Voorhies.

But Lisa really wasn't all that bad. She didn't annoy me as much as most of the cast did, and at least she was supposed to be wearing excruciatingly gaudy outfits. Seriously, Saved by the Bell didn't follow the ideals of say, Melrose Place or What's Happenin' with providing their cast members with hip new outfits. Instead, we got things like this:

Oddly enough, when the show came to a close, Lark's looks increased tenfold. She's actually pretty hot now...take a look:

Lisa also had the unfortunate distinction of being the *only* SBTB character who didn't have a relationship for more than one episode. If they could throw a pre-plastic surgery enhanced Tori Spelling to Screech, you'd think they'd at least hook Lisa up with one of those Valley kids in a shocking two-part episode.

But no...poor Lisa goes without any true loves for the 18,000 seasons of Saved By The Bell.

Lisa's Stats:

S.A.T. Score - I don't remember. She did better than Slater, but that's not saying much, since most people that spelled their names correctly on the test did better than Slater.

Worst Line Ever? - 'Zack, I think I have a giant tiger growing out of my ass'. Okay, so she didn't really say that. Unfortunately, Lisa didn't say much that I can remember. Most of the time it was a 'Go away Screech!' or something about her glorious outfits.

The Belding Connection - Unfortunately for Lisa, she had NO relationship with Mr. Belding. It was like a remake of Ghost, with Lisa playing Patrick Swayze to Mr. Belding's Demi Moore. Belding didn't ever seem to realize Lisa was there. It took Zack to convert every locker in the school to a Lisa shopping department for Belding to even utter her name. Poor girl...

Unfortunately, there isn't much else to say about Lisa. She wasn't that annoying, but she also wasn't all that memorable. A prerequisite of Saved by the Bell characters was to be as excruciatingly painfully corny as possible, but Lisa fell short on that meter, and thusly we give her less kudos than the rest of the cast. I couldn't even find any good multimedia about her. But that may have been a blessing in disguise, for I bring you...this:

Friends Forever!

At some point, when the cast wasn't wandering around Bayside 24 hours a day, they formed a band. A really great band! Who knew that, conveniently, each character was secretly honing their musical talents in private...and as it turns out, they each chose a different instruments! 'Zack Attack' was born!

Strangely enough, Kelly never played in the Zack Attack band. She was too busy being poor and preparing to gain 30 pounds for her role on 90210. But the rest of the gang really put together some fantastic tunes....hell...they even impressed Casey Casem! Yes, Casey Casem appeared on Saved by the Bell. He also supplied the voice of Robin in the old 'Superfriends' cartoon. Those were his only contributions to television.

Anyway, I've uncovered Friends Forever, which is undoubtedly Zack Attack's greatest hit. Wanna know how well Zack sings? Wanna hear Jessie belt out those high notes? Give it a listen.

DISCLAIMER: I don't want another Super Mario deal on my hands. I warned you then, and I'll warn you now. If you decide to download this, it'll be very difficult for you to stop playing it...over and over again...24 hours a day. Believe me. Heed my warning.


Remember to let it load fully to hear the song at it's best. Just hit 'stop' and let it load me, if you're dissapointed, you have a black heart.

Seeing as how trying to analyze Lisa was about as interesting as those episodes of SBTB where Jessie and Kelly were replaced by that closet lesbian Tori, I'm gonna move up the ladder a bit. Next up: Jessica Spanno!

- Matt