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Gremlins Movies Sent From The Heavens To Show Us The Way...
Presented by Matt on 04/07/00

In my continuing childhood mission to become obsessed only with things that would later cause problems as an adult, I engulfed myself into the magic of the Gremlins movie far deeper than anyone could imagine. Why I chose to idolize Tony Randall's portrayal of a gremlin with vocal capabilities and a tremendous singing voice over, I don't know, Bo Jackson?, is beyond me.

Gizmo's thoughts of an article dedicated solely to the lunacy of his movies? Click here, sucka.

What was it about the Gremlins movies that sucked me and so many other socially inept people in? Cute mogwais? Colorful monsters? The growing cuteness of Phoebe Cates? Probably just a combination.

Gremlins 1 - Billy Peltzer's dad, some chunky guy who doubles as a goofy inventor, brings Gizmo home for the holidays. Corey Feldman accidentally spills water on Giz, which sends him into an epilectic fit and causes him to shoot off little balls that turn into mogwais. Evil mogwais. They trick Billy into feeding them after midnight, turn into Gremlins, and terror ensues. Gremlins kill people and watch Snow White till Billy and company finally manage to save the day. Unfortunately, the weird Chinese guy with the fucked up eye who sold Gizmo to Billy's dad reposesses him at the movie's close, sending tears across the nation.

Thoughts? Definitely a unique 'horror' movie for it's time. Movies like this generally don't do to well, but Gremlins has certainly etched it's spot in history. Besides, if you read post, you'd realize that only good movies get cereals named after them.

Gremlins 2 - Holy shit! Now THIS is a movie. If you didn't think Gremlins 2 was the absolute pinnacle of greatness, stop reading this article and get the hell off this site, cuz I want nothing to do with you. Gremlins 2 was absolute genius! There's too much to talk about to give a full plotline, but here's some reasons why the Gremlins sequel shattered all expectations:

* Gizmo has a vocabulary. Somehow, over the course of the years, he's learned to say 'Rambo', 'HBO', and 'Go home now'. If mogwais that talk aren't the cutest fucking thing next to Mira Sorvino, I don't know what is.

* The Gremlins eat all these chemical serums that mutate them. We get girl gremlins, bat gremlins, spider gremlins, even gremlins made entirely of vegetables!

* Tony Randall supplies the voice for the 'Brain' gremlin, who FUCKING SINGS NEW YORK, NEW YORK at the movie's climax. They made a gremlin with a tremendous singing voice - it doesn't get anymore classic than that. I actually bought a stupid Frank Sinatra album as homage to his performance....that's how good it was.

* The movie gets cut off in the middle to allow for a shootout between the gremlins and John Wayne! Yes, John Wayne was IN Gremlins 2. You're telling me this isn't the best movie ever made?

I could go on and on, but I don't want to spoil things any further for the unfortunates who've yet to see it. All I'm going to say is that if you like ironic humor and gremlins dressed in suits throwing confetti, you HAVE to see this movie.

Gremlins: The Future

So where's the cast now? Billy, played byinternational superstar Zach Galligan, has been missing from the planet for the better part of the last decade. His only work since 1990 has been a five second cameo on E!'s Talk Soup. He deserves better. He should've gotten that role in The Titanic.

Phoebe Cates? She's still cute, but she too has fallen off the face of the Earth. I've heard rumors she's under one of those iron masks in that new Gladiator movie, but take that with a grain of salt. Again, she deserves more. Phoebe's hair is way too silky not to be seen again.

Tony Randall? He got SCREWED by his Oscar in the made-for-tv movie reunion show of The Odd Couple, cuz whatever that other fuck's name was had throat cancer or something. They had to rewrite the entire plot around it! Imagine that, you come off you're greatest achievement as the voice of the almighty Brain Gremlin, and your career goes down the tubes as a result of your co-worker's laryngitis.

Gizmo? After several lawsuits against the creators of the Furby over some pretty suspicious similarities, Gizmo can now be found on Kay Bee shelves everwhere in his own version of that menacing Furby.

John Wayne? I think he's dead. Actually, I think he was dead long before Gremlins 2 was filmed, but that just shows you HOW GOOD the movie was. They even got dead people for the cast!

It's sad but true, Gremlins played a major role in my adolescence. As with everything I liked as a kid, I formed a Gremlins club. (this was probably the 37th club I had formed by age 12) I chose the spider-gremlin and the Brain gremlin and my characters, and stuck my poor friends with the girl gremlin and Daffy, whose pictured above. Needless to say, they were none too pleased.

To purchase Gremlins, click here.
To purchase Gremlins 2, click here.

And as for the ongoing Furby fiasco, I'll let you be the judge.

Coincidence? I think not. But hey, if the makers of the Furby decided to copy Gizmo, it just gives credence to my claims - Gremlins is godly, and if you haven't seen it, you're really missing out. Rumors persist that they'll be a Gremlins III, but I won't hold my breath. Looks like these are all the Gremlins movies we're gonna get, and I think it's our duty as Gremlins enthusiasts to spread the word to as many people as possible. Do your part. Hand out flyers. Rent billboards. Put 'I Love Mr. Futterman' bumper stickers on your car. Anything to support the cause. It's up to us, guys.

- Matt