Corey Haim & Nicole Eggert. Both semi-troubled & semi-successful young stars...both in a lot of really shitty movies together. It's true, Corey & Nicole supplied us with some of the strangest duets in movie history. It was at the point in their careers where they'd take any part they could get that didn't involve having sex with sea life.

After being big time child stars, Corey with the The Lost Boys & Nicole with Charles In Charge, both feel into that pit of despair we know as direct-to-video films. Corey never appeared too disgruntled about it on-camera, but in those years before Nicole learned the key to success was a boob job, she looked none-too-pleased about the roles she had to endure.

You probably don't know this, but Haim & Eggert used to be an actual item. They shared love, lust, and sad stories over the complete deteriation of their stardom. Okay, I'm being a little harsh, since I actually own all the movies we're about to review. Course, I don't openly admit it. When you're trying to impress your friends, the last thing you do is tell them you've got an entire rack of Corey Haim B-movies. Such is life...

Actually, the Haimster's had his fair share of decent galpals. He was also with Heather Graham before her tits suspiciously grew 8x their normal size. This seems to be an ongoing saga in Corey's life - he gets all the hot girls before they surgically enhance their chest.

Anyway, in the late 80s/early 90s, Corey & Nicole starred in three undeniable classics together, and tonight, we're gonna take a look at 'em.

The Double-0 Kid -- Yikes, try figuring out this plot. No, seriously, try. I've watched it a few times, and I still can't figure it out. Okay, I wasn't really paying that much attention, otherwise I would've either fallen asleep or ended up setting fire to my VCR. I was probably reading back issues of Entertainment Weekly, but I'm pretty sure I got the jist of the story.

Hmm...I think it had something to do with Corey, in his blonde phase with really bad skin, being a computer genius who gets caught up in some international espionage plot with Nicole. The film also starred Bridgette Nielsen. Yes, the Bridgette Nielsen, star of every b-movie lesbian S&M movie ever shown on TBS at 3 AM on a Wednesday night. With all this, you were sure to have a blockbuster. Surprisingly, I figure about 7 videos actually sold, and six of those were purchased by me. I heard Eggert had scoliosis, so I was holding them, waiting for her impending death so I could hock 'em on eBay with a ridiculous post-death markup.

Obviously, Nicole didn't die. Just her career did. Out of all the Haim/Eggert movies, this was definitely the worst. And believe me, that distinction is not easy to achieve. Here's a couple of pictures from one of the most esoteric films I've ever seen. You think the person who wrote Being John Malkovich had a creative sense of plotline? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Just One of The Girls - Oddly enough, Corey's been in at least three movies where he appears in drag. That's probably why I like him so much. The plotline here's pretty spectacular - Corey, a musical genius, gets accepted into a school that'll help him fine tune his craft. A bully starts tormenting him, so Corey's natural decision is to go to school in drag to avoid meeting up with him again. A similar thing happened to me in high school, only I wasn't wearing a dress to hide from a bully. Hm.

Anyway, along the line, Girl Corey notices Eggert, who plays the school's head cheerleader. He/She befriends Eggert, falls in secret love with her, but is shocked to find out that the bully is actually her brother! The plot thickens! And it gets worse - the bully falls in love with the girl version of Corey! Drama left, drama right!

The films also co-stars Alanis Morrisette before she got famous. She was still ugly back then, so that puts to rest the rumor that the only reason she's a superstar is because she has a goat head for a face. It was the same thing back then, and she only had a supporting role in a Corey Haim movie!

Now, this wasn't as bad as the Double-0 Kid, but it's not the kind of thing you'd reccomend for a social gathering. Anyways, here's some pics from the blockbuster...

Blown Away - Whooo! The infamous Blown Away! Some of you have probably seen this one, as it's been in rotation on HBO recently. My god...this one really will blow you away...you just don't go into a Haim movie expecting it to turn into a softcore porn movie. Fuck that...this was border line hardcore. There's nothing more appealing than Nicole Eggert receiving oral sex in a standing position from Corey Haim. That alone is worth the cost of the rental.

The plot? I don't know. I guess this was a psychodrama. Nicole's a bad girl who gets good boys to do bad things for her. Corey's the good boy. Corey Feldman plays Haim's mysterious older brother with an exceptionally bad haircut. 'Claire' from 90210 was in here, albeit a far chunkier version of her.

If you grew up on Nicole and Corey movies, this one will send you for a loop. The sex scenes aren't just steamy, they're downright ridiculous. For about a 30 minute block, all they do is fuck. And dance. Yes, Nicole Eggert dances. Unfortunately, she doesn't do it too well. I've uploading a clip of her wild, sensual dance. It's about 3 MB, so I wouldn't reccomend sitting here and waiting for it to download unless you can't find any good porn, are a die-hard Nicole fan, or you want a good laugh. If you fall into that criteria, you can download the .avi clip by clicking HERE.

And, here's some pics for you, so you can determine if a Nicole Eggert before breast implants is a Nicole Eggert that can still give you an erection...

So there you have it. You can probably find all these movies if you really try hard enough. I'm pretty confident in saying however that I'm in the minority that can sit through them. Consider it a test of character and willpower if you get your hands on these. Let me know how the test pans out...