It seems as though marketing screen tests were deemed inappropriate for cereal...it's the only logical way to explain how some of these gems actually hit the market. It was a pretty bad scene, actually. When you purchased some of these cereals, you knew you were being stupid. Now, the last thing you want first thing in the morning at breakfast is to be reminded of how stupid you are - and that's what these cereals provided. Disencouragement.

But, some of them came in neat boxes, or with cool toys. So you're not always at a complete loss. It's premium-dependant! Let's run through some more glorious cereals of the past...

Waffelos -- Mmmmm! Waffelos! Now, cereal designers, a question for you. Does this tagline suggest a premium product? 'A Sweetened Cereal With Artificial Maple Flavor'. I'd be more inclined to think this cereal was good for me if they wrote 'Cereal is Made Entirely From Sugar & Evil Glucose Concentrate'. We also run into a bit of a problem with the choice of mascot - this ugly cowboy dude. I'm sure I speak for all of us - who would want to look at that while eating the most important meal of the day? See the horse in the background? Tell me he doesn't look guilty for supporting such an inferior product.

Waffelos was one of many in a string of cereal brands which felt the best way to go was to simply pour sugar syrup over unflavored toasted corn. It's a simple formula, actually, and it'd work if you'd make even the slightest effort to promote it as anything but that. Waffelos didn't do that, and when you compile that in with the ridiculous cowboy idiot on the box, you've got a real loser.

Cindy Crawford's Special K - WTF? Why?!! I guess they were trying to suggest that, if you ate Special K, you'd look like Cindy Crawford. Unfortunately, neuro-association is just about the least effective kind of promotion when it comes to breakfast. Did any of you out there think Special K was even more special with Cindy gracing the box? Of course not.

Pac-Man Cereal - I'm a Pac-Man fan, so I would've probably bought this cereal. Finally, by eating marshmallow ghosts, I could live out my lifelong dream of being Pac-Man. My gripe here however has to do with the choice of premiums. Two gummi worms? This was hardly the type of thing you'd brag to your friends at school about. Couldn't they just bite the bullet and give away some stickers or something? No...gummi worms. I expected more out of my hero, Pac-Man. But, his tragic flaw was his susceptibility to corporate marketing plans, and some evil associate convinced him the gummi worm giveaway was good for business. Outraged, most video-game enthusiast cereal buyers turned to our next cereal...

Donkey Kong Jr. Cereal - Look at Dr. Mario. If he's this ecstastic over a cereal, it's gotta be good. Seriously, looking at that pic above, you'd think Donkey Kong Jr. Cereal had more potency than a half-bottle of scotch. Surely, if it was good enough to make Mario's temperature to rise to the boiling point and make him dance, it was good enough to try.

Unfortunately, Mario was playing us for fools. Donkey Kong Jr. Cereal had about as much flavor as wet sand. And it was also far less digestable than the sand.

Prince of Thieves Cereal- This is the real reason this post was even made. There's something downright naughty about this breakfast.

Cereal makers finally found a way to get us to eat cornmeal cocks. Sure, they may say these were Robin Hood 'arrows', but we know better. I'm actually surprised this cereal wasn't pulled off the shelves. 'Hey kids...sick of pretending those Trix balls are testicles? Well, look no further. Here's your chance to get an actual bowl fulla cock!'

The problems with cereal continues, even today. Now we've got ugly wrestlers on our cereal boxes...bad movies getting breakfast tie-ins, and yes, still, some of the worst free toys known to man.

It's up to us.

We've got to write to Kellogg's...write to Post...tell them to stop bullshitting us. It's time the cereal makers start giving us what we want. If we, the breakfast-eating public, don't stand together, united as one against the tyranny being shilled to us, there's no telling what horrible cereals await us in the future. We might end up with things like this:

Only you can make a difference.