Diff'rent Strokes was a trend-setting show, one of the first sitcoms that ever taught us that true life lessons were best left for the made-for-tv movies. Yes, Diff'rent Strokes chose to tackle a plethora of modern-day trials and tribulations in the hopes to educate us, the masses, to be more careful, and to be better people. But you've got to understand...when the focus of your show is a little midget who face looks like a tick post-dinner, you're going to run into a problem. I'm sorry, but I didn't learn to not take drugs, or not vomit my food after I eat it, or not hang around with serial rapists from Diff'rent Strokes. The only thing I learned was that Conrad Bain looked an awful lot like Lurch from the Addams Family. The memory that stands out in my mind the most dealing with Diff'Rent Strokes' inability to capture a dramatic problem was the child molestor episode. Ooooh this was was good fun. Let's relive it... Arnold & Dudley befriend some weird guy who makes them watch cartoon mouse porn. Now, there are a hundred different reasons why Arnold & Dudley should've been tipped off already to leave the premises: 1.- The child molester in question was some 40 year old white guy. Why was he so interested in hanging around two black midgets? Back in the 80s, Conraid Bain was the only non-racist white man on the planet, and that's a fact.* * - according to Al Sharpton, Casey Jones, & Admiral Piett. 2.- The Dudley Factor. Now, Arnold knew he was the only person on Earth that could stand Dudley for more than five minutes. It was a pity friendship. He should've known something was up right away when the child molester wanted Dudley around too...because no one wants Dudley around. 3.- Cartoon Mouse Porn - as stated above, our child molester friend showed Arnold & Dudley cartoon porn. They didn't seem to think anything was too wrong with that...but I guess that comes with the territory when you're looking up to Todd Bridges as a role model. Still, when I was 8, I don't think I'd be too inclined to hang around a 40 year old man who was showing me cartoon mice mounting each other. In any event, the episode droned on longer than an X-E post. The whole child molestation premise was fine for the first segment, but it got old real fast, and we didn't even get a chance to see Dudley's goodies. So, I've decided, having nowhere else to go with this article, that I'm going to write my own Diff'rent Strokes child molestation episode....so fasten your seatbelts, I'm about to see if I can get Arnold to third base... Be warned, this gets a little 'out there' for X-E standards.  Dudley: Arnold, you have to tell your father about what happened. Arnold: But Dudlee-ee-ee-ey! I'm afraid he'll kick me out of the house if he finds out my teacher grabbed my ass! Dudley: Ah'nold, you can't keep it a secret forever! Please? Arnold: Oh all right, all right. Sheesh.  Arnold: ...but it's the truth, Dad! Mr. Drummon: Not another word, Arnold! I refuse to believe there's a person on this earth who wouldn't rather saw off their own hands than touch you with them. Now take Dudley and go see that old guy down the street. He's been begging me to let you stay over his house for weeks. Arnold: But Dad! Mr. Drummon: No buts - just haul your little kiester over there and don't come back till morning - no phone calls, no showing up here - NOTHING.  Weird Man: Well, hello boys! Say...do you like animals? Dudley: Hey you bet we do, mister! Weird Man: Do you like...peacocks? Arnold: They're beautiful! Weird Man: Terrific, terrific. How bout football, you into football? Dudley: More than anything, mister! Weird Man: Well that's great! I'll tell ya what kids...I've got some cocks and some balls in my bedroom right now! Why don't we go take a look! Arnold: Sounds like a blast!  Weird Man: Say, did you ever hear of the magical way to get Santa Claus to come bring you presents in the middle of the summer? Arnold: No...how do you do that, mister? Weird Man: Well, it's actually pretty simple. First you take off all your clothes, then you sit on my crotch.  Willis: So you're saying that you've been molested twice in this past week?! Arnold: I don't understand it! Look at me...I look like a mutant dung beetle! Why would anyone want to touch me in the first place! Willis: Well you gotta tell Dad. Arnold: No way Willis...last time I told Dad, he made a face like this and told me to eat shit and die! Willis: Either you tell him, or I tell him. Arnold: Fuck.  Arnold: But Dad, I'm not playing you for a fool...it really happened. Mr. Drummon: Arnold, I want you to listen very carefully. See this knife in my hand? Well...the next time you tell me someone touches it...I'm just gonna chop it off. Understand? Arnold: BUT DAD! Mr. Drummon: Chop it off, Arnold. I'll chop it off. Now do me a favor and go see if that guy with the strange stench down the hall needs any help setting up all that weird video equipment he keeps bringing up the stairs.  Weird Guy #2: Ok little boy, here's the deal. I don't have a lot of time, so we're gonna play a little game. Ever hear of 'who can finish the lollipop first'? It's fun. Arnold: I know the drill. I've been playing that all week... ::sighs::  Arnold: Miss America, everybody's trying to do these weird things to me. What should I do? Miss America: I am the hallllllllll monitor. Arnold: Are you trying to say I should find a guy to protect me, and to help me become stronger? Miss America: I am the halllllllllllllllllll monitor. Arnold: With his guidance, I'll be able to fend for myself? That's great! Thanks for the help! Miss America: Woof!  Mr. T: I'm cool as the peppermint ice cream. Arnold: No one will mess with me now! Mr. T: Listen here sucka, you know the fastest way to become a stronger man? Arnold What's that? Mr. T: Take off your pants and I's be showin you, little man. The End. I'm gonna burn in Hell...I'm gonna burn in Hell!
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