He-Man and the Masters of the Universe treated us to a lot of things in it's time. Great toys, afternoons wasted on television, dramatic holiday episodes, and yes, some of the strangest characters in cartoon history. The show tricks you into believing in it's supposed simplicity - He-Man is good, He-Man is a muscle guy with blonde hair. Skeletor is bad, Skeletor has a skull for a face and a maniacal laugh. But that's where the whole cut-and-dry deal ends, my friends. Things get weirder from there. You had Orko...Beast Man...the list went on and on. All these characters which had completely useless gimmicks. The stars of Masters of the Universe are evidently pro-wrestler prototypes. Did you ever wonder exactly why Skeletor was so ticked off? Take a look at who he had to work with...   Evil Lyn - Yes, that's Evil Lyn, looking quite suspiciously like Anne Heche. This would probably explain Lyn's all-too-eager 'attacks' on Teela, which usually consisted of running towards Teela chest-first. Skeletor's smartest teammate was more concerned with exploring her innate sexual tendencies than conquering Eternia. Course, we also run into a problem since I'm hard-pressed to recall a single instance of actual villainy on Lyn's part. Perhaps she felt that since she had 'Evil' in her name already, she'd done her part.  Trap Jaw - Trap Jaw had the makings of a useful villain - steel jaws, removable arms with assorted weaponry, and blue skin. Unfortunately, Trap Jaw was sort of like that kid that sits next to you with a Bad Religion t-shirt in school, but doesn't know any of their songs. He merely looks the part. There's a fun game you can play whenever you watch an old He-Man episode with Trap-Jaw present. Whenever he comes on the screen, count down from 25 seconds. I guarantee you before you get to 0, he'll either trip and fall, or accidentally shoot himself with one of his weapons. It's a given.  Two-Bad - There's an old saying. You won't get gold by mushing together two piles of shit. Okay, so that's not an old saying, but it holds water here, as Two-Bad was essentially two of the most worthless bad guys ever rolled into one putrid package. When not fighting amongst itself, Two-Bad was usually tricked by He-Man into punching one of it's own heads.   Webstor - You run into a problem right off the bat here. How threatened could you possibly feel by a villain when the first thing you think of when you hear his name is a knock-off Gary Coleman? It's pretty unfortunate, since Webstor was one of the better bad guys in the cast.  Tri-Clops - Tri-Clops 'special power' was his ability to twist his head-gear around to indicate the mood her was in. If you got the evil triangle eye, you were in for a Tri-Clops in a particular poor mood. Once Man-E-Faces did him one better by rotating his whole head, Tri-Clops spiraled into depression, rendering him utterly useless to Skeletor & evil as a whole.  Mer-Man - Mer-Man was actually my favorite bad guy on the show. Unfortuantely, he was never on the show. Mer-Man was a cameo guest star, contracted to only one episode per season. Maybe Skeletor would've been a lot more successful had Mer-Man been around a bit more. This isn't to say that He-Man's time was infallible. Yes, even the good guys had their share of esoteric heroes...  Meckaneck - I remember some story about how Mechaneck was embarassed to let his son know that his neck could extend 10' into the air. Hell, if I had a son, that'd be my key tool to get his respect. Hey, can Billy's dad do *this*?  Man-E-Faces - I always liked the toy of this guy, but on the show, Man-E-Faces was pretty useless. He only changed to his monster or robot head once in a blue moon, and when he did, the event lasted all of three seconds. Usually, we got him with his human head as pictured, which rengered him totally boring and a detriment to the good people of Eternia.  Moss Man - Moss Man. The name says it all. Did any creative thought go into naming these guys? I'm surprised they didn't go with their original choice - 'Man covered in green grass'. Moss Man may have had the ability to camouflauge himself in grasslands, but you've gotta wonder just how many times Skeletor would plan an attack in the middle of the forest. There's plenty of guys I'm leaving out. Fisto, the man with the triple-sized fist. Buzz-Off, who scared bad guys away with his bizaare bee costume. The list is virtually endless. Eternia was like a giant Halloween party. You know it's pretty sad when Man-At-Arms, a guy with a bowl on his head, was the least eccentric of the bunch. But oh well, I guess this is part of the magic that is Masters of the Universe. - Matt | |||