Evil merger set to be Cobra's most diabolical scheme yet
Presented by Brant on 04/07/00
In what’s being hailed as the most evil corporate merger since AT&T and TCI Cable, spokespersons from both the Cobra Corporation and Starbucks Inc. announced today that the two companies were set to combine within the next month.
An excited CEO and chairman of the Cobra Corporation, Cobra Commander, had this to say, "Hahaha! Yes! This plot will surely spell the end for those pesky Joes once and for all! Hahaha!" Mr. Commander’s candid comments were followed by a speech from Starbucks Inc’s Howard Schultz.
"We are very excited to have acquired the Cobra Corporation as our newest key venue in our overall strategy of evil doings and global domination," said Mr. Schultz enthusiastically, "I can only see good things for both Cobra and Starbucks from this point on."
Midway through the press conference, representatives from both the world of Starbucks, and that of the Cobra forces fielded questions from the press. When asked for his opinion on the six new flavors of Frappuccino®, head of Cobra’s arms management, "Destro", had this to say, "IMPUTANT FOOL! I should have your head for such an ignorant question! The Frappuccino® rusts my mask…"
Things seemed to be going well up until the point when Cobra Commander surprised both Starbucks Executives and Cobra elite alike by revealing the new co-corporate logo of "Cobrabucks Coffee Inc."
Shocked and overwhelmed by the impiousness of the new logo, Starbucks Execs gathered in a huddle and quickly held what was billed as a "mini-conference." The Starbucks executives then informed Mr. Commander that the overall census concerning his new logo had turned out negative, and that they wanted to pull out of the merger immediately. To this Mr. Commander said, "Infidels! I told Dr. Mindbender to go with the South American motif but he called it ‘cliché’ and ‘maxim at best’. I want his proverbial head on a pole for such mutiny! Vipers attack!"
At this time, Cobra Commander’s personal storm troopers known as "Vipers" stormed the press conference and destroyed everything in site. Mobs of reporters ran fearing for their lives. It wasn’t until a special forces team sent from the United States government cleared the area of all Cobra scum. The team’s commanding officer Conrad "Duke" Hauser had this to say, "Kids, in this episode we saw two evil corporations try to get along, but their opinions differed. Instead of working out their differences, the two parted ways and their objective failed. If you and a friend have differences, talk them out. It’s the right thing to do. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle."
Cobra Commander was last seen being airlifted by a helicopter laughing maniacally.