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Galactic Trial Settles Candy Bar Dispute!
Matt - 05/19/00

Okay boys and girls...ever wonder what happens when you write something at 8 AM after not sleeping the entire night? This...

The Eternal Debate Continues...
Endless squabblings and feuds spawned forth across the galaxy have led to a trial being set up to settle the issue once and for all before more lives are needlessly lost. It is now time to put a rest to the conflict. It's time to find out which is better...


Our Judge For This Trial....


The Star Wars Trilogy's oddest alien was chosen for the highly dubious duty of judging the candy bars. It's his final word that will end the galaxy's grave debate.

Defending Almond Joy...


Evil terrorist and overall shill for Almond Joy, Cobra Commander hopes to prove to Nien Nunb that Almond Joy is in fact better than Mounds could ever hope to be. But he'll have a hard time getting that one established, especially when you consider his opposition...

Defending Mounds...


The Empire's iron fist and all around bad guy, Vader's always felt that Almond Joy was as self-indulgent as a Yoda speech. Will he use the dark side of the Force to sway Nien Nunb's decision? We'll find out in...


Nien Nunb: Ehhh bleh eh bleh eh bleh!

Cobra Commander: Hogwash! What did he just say?!

Darth Vader: I believe he asked you to call for your first witness, Cobra Commander.

Cobra Commander: Fitting that the supreme ruler of Cobra and the eventual victor of this petty trial should go first. Okay, I'd like to call my first witness. Ummm....'Mr. Smith', would you please take the stand?

Darth Vader: OBJECTION! That's not a Mr. Smith! That's Destro, one of Cobra Commander's cronies! This is a conflict of interest!

Nien Nunb: Hmmmm. Eh bleh bleh bleh!

Darth Vader: What?

Cobra Commander: He says your objection is overuled! Now Mr. Smith...please...tell the court why Almond Joy is better than Mounds.

Destro: Almond Joy got nuts! Mounds don't!

Cobra Commander: Because?

Destro: Sometimes you feel like a nuuuut! Sometimes you...don't!

Cobra Commander: No further questions, your honor!

Nien Nunb: Ehhh bleh bleh eehhhh bleh!

Cobra Commander: Your witness, peon.

Darth Vader: Two can play this little game. My witness comes from...umm....Montana...his name is...umm...George Francis.

Cobra Commander: OBJECTION!


The Emperor: It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the Mounds factory. It is quite safe from that pitiful little band of Almond Joy enthusiasts. Soon they will all be crushed and young Milky Way will be one of us.

Cobra Commander: Objection! He's making no sense! What revelance does this have to the case?!

The Emperor: Did you say 'rebellion'? Are you part of the rebellion?

Cobra Commander: I said 'revelence', you idiot!

Nien Nunb: Ehhh bleh bleh bleh!

Everyone: What?

Darth Vader: He's calling for order in the court.

Penguin: Nyah... I'll take a turkey on rye...nyah! Hahahah!

Much Later...

Darth Vader: Get ready to shit your pants, Commander. Nien Nunb's about to release the final verdict.

Cobra Commander: Oh, shut up. At least I can breathe without my mask. Wait...shh...he's about to give us his decision...he looks a little confused, doesn't he?

Darth Vader: Yeah...almost like he doesn't know which side to vote for.

Nien Nunb: Eh. Eh bleh bleh bleh eh bleh!

Darth Vader: Well that just blows. I have no idea what he said.

Cobra Commander: Either do I.

Darth Vader: I guess we'll never know which candy bar is better.

Cobra Commander: Maybe it's for the best. I love you, Darth.

Darth Vader: I wish I could say the same. But I'm not a flaming homo, Cobra Commander.

The End.

- Matt