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Stupid Saved By The Bell Character Profiles - #4 - Zack Morris
Matt - 05/20/00

Our Saved By The Bell character profiles continue, and this time around we're gonna jump directly to the captain of the ship - Zack Morris.

First and foremost, we need to realize that the universe does indeed revolve around Zack. Completely and totally. As we've established before, in the Saved By The Bell universe, only two places exist - Bayside High School, and the Maxx diner. In both spots, any activity revolved solely around Zack.

Despite the fact that he was always in trouble in school and had no interest in his classes, Zack always led school projects and dances. Hell, at graduation, Bayside went against the rules of alphabetical order just so Zack would have top billing by receiving his diploma last. He certainly led a charmed life.

As far as romance goes, Zack spent most of the series with Kelly. We were led to believe Kelly was some sort of beautiful goddess, when in actuality she looked like a twelve year old and had the conversational skills of a mute. Surprisingly, even though Zack was undeniably God, Kelly dumped him for some college guy, leaving Zack to pursue other relationships.

The most notable was with the fiery NY girl during the beachy summer episodes of Saved By The Bell, Stacey Carosi. Zack and Stacey hated each other, but eventually fell in love for lack of a better plotline. They had a whirlwind romance, and eventually Zack was even able to win over her father, Leon. (pictured in the inset)

The other notable relationship Zack had was with some homeless girl who was on the show for all of two episodes, despite the fact that she and her father moved in the Morris household. Continuity, anyone? Continuity?

Then there was Tori, the lesbian that moved onto Saved By The Bell after Kelly and Jessie dissapeared off the face of the Earth. Now, they were still in high school when Tori was around. Unfortunately, this would've been their 57th year of high school, so unless Bayside is also a college and a grad school rolled into one neat package, we've got a problem.

Anyway, not only did the universe revolve around Zack like he was God, Zack also had godlike powers. An example? In the middle of class, Zack could cause all of his classmates to fall silent and still while he spoke to the audience at home. Sometimes he'd snap his fingers to work his magic...other times he'd just wink at us. Either way, we knew there was more to Morris than there seemed.

Zack's Stats:

S.A.T. Score: I told you Zack was God, right? Well, that's why he scored a 1500 on the S.A.T.s. Makes sense. Zack was accepted in Yale, but opted for the peaceful tranquility of a local college for reasons never explained.

Zack's overwhelming score sent Jessie on a downward spiral. Since her score wasn't all that high, she was convinced she couldn't get into the college of her choice. But that was good, since it brought us the second appearance of the true hero of Saved By The Bell, James The Actor.

James The Actor's appearance during the infamous S.A.T. episode helped cement Saved By The Bell's place in our hearts. There's no way to explain how these high school kids had ties to this weird actor guy, when whenever James was around, good times followed! So anyway, James was here to try to convince the people from Jessie's choice college that she was too good for them...leading us to this audio clip...truly capturing James' overwhelming stupidity: Click Here To Hear James!

Worst Line Ever: Zack has had more bad lines than a gullible coke addict with a 8-ball of Ajax. There's no way to pick any one line out...there were at least 30 candidates per episode. However, for an example, we've got this one. Zack's toying around with Bayside's enemy - a Russian chess-playing exchange student. Note the word 'Russian', and click HERE.

The Belding Connection: Zack and Mr. Belding has a relationship unlike any other. I'm convinced that Belding was secretly in love with's the only way to explain why he was perpetually calling him into his office and shit. I'm sorry, but Zack couldn't have been in trouble that much. Coincidentally, Zack helped deliver Belding's wife's baby. He also once sold Mr. Belding zit creme that turned his face bright red...but that's another story entirely.

Zack's Zany Schemes...

Zack has had more stupid plots and schemes that you could imagine. In fact, I'd say about 80% of SBTB episode plots revolved around Zack's chicanery. Let's take a quick look at some of Zack's most interesting exploits...

* Lisa needed to make money, so Zack decided to help her sell clothes. Unfortunately, since the Max and Bayside were the only two places on Earth, Zack had to sell them out of the school. So, he rigged the entire school's lockers with a remote control to house all of Lisa's clothes, thus turning Bayside's one hallway into a giant Lisa clothes store. The scheme lasted ten minutes before Mr. Belding used his 'Hey hey hey hey hey! What is going on here?!' catchphrase and ended the lunacy.

* Screech accidentally invented an amazing zit creme. So Zack used his godlike powers to mass-produce and package it, and sell it to everyone in the school. Yes...everyone in the school apparently had an acne problem. Problem was, after a day or so, the creme would leave your skin bright red...and no one was too pleased with Zack. So he convinced them all that, since red was the school color, they were just promoting 'school spirit'. All was well.

* Around Valentine's Day, Zack employed the use of a subliminal message tape to try to invoke Kelly into choosing him to hold her prop heart necklace. Unfortunately, the plan backfired, and Zack ended up being chased by everyone in the school to be their sweetheart...including Slater. Sure, it was all a ruse, but there's no finer a moment than Slater telling the entire school to back off cuz Zack was going to the dance with him.

* Zack used to chop the head off of turtles and sell them as good luck charms to the kids at school. Not really, but I had to make sure you were paying attention.

The list is virtually endless.

Zack: The Future

It was looking like Zack and Kelly would never get back togehter. He was at college, she was nowhere to be found. Luckily, Kelly eventually transferred. She used her time off to get a boob job and make her head the size of an official NBA basketball.

Point is, they got married and lived happily ever after. Just like Zack should've...because after all....he's God.

And, he's a rock star. Zack Attack 4 Life. Check the X-E archives for more SBTB character profiles...

- Matt