Mutant abilities, grave conflicts...all the working of some epic action from the Marvel Comics universe. For those who are unfamiliar with the general premise of the X-Men, I'll explain it. There's humans...and there's mutants. Mutants are people born with unique and special abilities that made them hated by a large group of the regular humans.

Yes, mutant predjudice! So, Professor X, who is really just a paralyzed version of Jean Luc Picard with an especially nifty wheelchair, formed a band of powerful mutants to help promote peace, equal rights, and understanding between all.

Unfortunately, we run into a problem when we meet some of these mutants, who are about as ridiculous as the mind could possibly dream up.

Though there are virtually dozens upon dozens of mutants who were can single out to make fun of, I'm going to take three guys who some of you would actually know. The first two are classic ironic X-Men, the last one is one of their evil, malevolent enemies.

Beast: The name says it all. There's a few problems with Beast. Apparently, his mutant power was his ability to perpetually look like an ugly monster. Other than that, he wasn't too special. Sure, he had agility. Big deal. I can jump too. Yeah, he was smart, but that's only because when he was a teenager no one wanted to play with him. The only thing that wouldn't laugh at Beast were books. Then, we have some super strength or something. Yeah...so did every fucking person in the Marvel Universe. Let's face it...if you couldn't hold a car over your head with one arm in the Marvel Universe, you were seriously lacking.

On the other hand, Beast was a soft-spoken genius who could find a way to use his vast vocabulary to make even the simplest of statements seem incomprehensible. You have to understand though...Beast may have been super smart, but he was still a furry blue monstrosity. His conversations went something like this...

Beast: So, Storm, I was thinking about the dynamics of the relationship between the sperm whale and the giant squid of the deep sea. I feel their survival, despite being mortal enemies, is in direct relation to one another. Your thoughts?

Storm: Dayyymn Beast! You sure are ugly!

Beast: But Storm! Surely you realize that, without the squid, the sperm whale's food supply would be greatly diminished, and vice versa. Their relationship is symbiant. They seem to be a danger to each other, but if you look at in on the grand scale of things, they need each other to insure their ongoing lifespans.

Storm: Beast...man....don't stand so close to me. I don't want any of mah honeys to think I'm wit you! You ugly thang!!

Nightcrawler: Nightcrawler's even worse than Beast. Firstly, Nightcrawler has got to be the ugliest thing on the planet. I don't care how many times you look at him, I can't imagine getting used to it. How did the X-Men hang around with this joker?

Nightcrawler had the power of teleportation. That in itself is pretty cool, but if you've read the Marvel Universe Handbook, you'd know that whenever Nightcrawler employed this nifty parlor trick, it'd leave behind a strong scent of sulphur. Mmmm. Problem? Nightcrawler would use this *constantly*. Not just when in peril...he'd be teleporting all over the X-Mansion. Can you imagine poor Jean Grey? Every ten seconds, the house would stink up something awful. Nightcrawler had to be the most unpopular guy ever. He's ugly as sin, he stinks up the house...there's just nothing redeemable.

Can you imagine what the boys and girls from the X-Men thought of Nightcrawler? Now I understand the need for diplomacy among the ranks, but this guy had to test everyone's patience to a new limit...

Jean Grey: What the fuck is that smell?

::Nightcrawler materializes...::

Nightcrawler: Ciao, arrivederci, and hello, fair Jean!

::Jean smashes a pan over Nightcrawler's head::

Nightcrawler: As they say in France...typical.

Mr. Sinister: I don't know much about what this guy could do, but I know it was some pretty major bad guy action. He had some serious powers and could wreak considerable havok to our mutant friends.

Problem? The name. Can you imagine the first time the X-Men met this guy?

Cyclops: Who are you?!

Mr. Sinister: Someone who will destroy all of you!

Jubilee: Oh no!!

Cyclops: Where are you from?!

Mr. Sinister: Someplace worse than the fiery pits of Hell!

Jean Grey: OH MY GOD! NO!

Cyclops: What is your name?

Mr. Sinister: My name is...Mr. Sinister!

And then all the X-Men fall on the ground laughing like they were at a Carrot Top show. Mr. Sinister?! Oh come on. With all these godlike powers, couldn't he come up with something remotely creative? What a waste.

I'm making fun of the X-Men here, but I really do love them. Not since Family Matters did we get a cast of such ridiculous personalities. These three are the first of many, maybe down the line we'll take a look at some of the others.

Oh, by the way, most comic book illustrators are perverts, so X-E's male audience will benefit from this little gallery. Click on a thumbnail to make it bigger!

Enjoy.