Anyways, I was toying with it in the car, and before going home I decided I didn't have enough cigarettes to make it through the night. I'm sure all you smoking readers know what I'm talking about...it's bad enough our lives revolve around sitting on this fucking computer till 5 AM...but to do it without cigarettes? Nuh uh.

So I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a pack of awful Salem Lights. I used to smoke Marlboro's, but my evil parents converted me after years of me stealing their cigs when nothing else was available. Anyway, as I'm on line, I run into an old friend who I only know as The Tiffstigator. Tiffstigator and I caught up on some old times, and since I brought my camera in (not gonna leave it in a parking lot at 12 at night) ...I asked her if she wanted to explore the grocery store with me.

Our adventures took us deep within the aisles of produce and canned goods. But, as time progressed, we realized this was no normal grocery store. This place had some of the weirdest shit I've ever seen. Since I had my camera, we decided to exploit that and do a little expose. Enjoy...

Here I am holding a suspicious little bottle. Now, you can't tell from the picture, but this bottle was only labeled as being 'Frothy Creamy Head'. Hmmm. Frothy Creamy Head?! We were completely taken aback. The Tiffstigator broke out the camera so we'd have solid proof of the x-rated grocery's dubious existence.

The Tiffstigator was pretty weirded out when we hit the Polish goods aisle. Upon closer inpection, she found a mysterious jar of something only known as 'Zub'. What the fuck is Zub?! Would any of you walk into a grocery store and buy a weird bottle of white goo called 'Zub'? This place is obviously selling voodoo equipment.

I was impressed at their overwhelming array of cereal choices, but was even more impressed to see that Post finally updated the box design on their Pebbles assortment of cereals. We debated for awhile over which one should get to be in the pic. After five minutes, we felt it was unfair to give one more promotion than the other, so I held up both to let you be the judge: Fruity or Cocoa?

The pet food aisle was littered with weird dolls. I really don't know why. These were dog chew toys or anything. These things looked like stuffed Satans. The Tiffstigator had a vision of my laying on the floor covered in them. I complied, but I had to cut my face out of this pic since, as she was taking the picture, one of the store workers came over to us, and my face was one of shock. He wasn't too pleased with our antics, but once we told him that we were going to buy all this stuff, he layed off.

Now, I understand there is some need for people of an older age to wear diapers. It happens. But wouldn't they be at least a little embarassed to go up to the register with this fucking giant package of Depends? I could stand on line and piss myself and get less of a reaction than if I was holding this thing. At least they could've disguised the package to make it look like cat litter or something. Poor old people.

The Tiffstigator couldn't believe the sheer size of rice bags one could get if they really wanted to. She had a lot of trouble lifting the economy-sized bag up, but you get the point. Now come on...does anyone need this much rice? I'm all for excess, but this is just going overboard. There's enough rice in one bag for 14 weddings and 3 South American nations. Can one family even think they have what it takes to polish off one of these? I don't think so.

Apparently, this particular grocery store was the scene for everyone's favorite gameshow, Supermarket Sweep. How else do you explain the giant inflatable household items all over the store? Here I am, holding an exaggerated Budweiser bottle at the Tiffstigator's request. Unfortunately, when I put it back on the top of the shelf, it flew over the aisle and hit someone in the head. Me and the Tiffster hid in the produce department for a good ten minutes after that.

The Tiffstigator was more than pleased when she located a super-duper McDonalds action playset in the freezer section. But while she and I were pleased, the grocery store staff were at this point completely against our ongoing mission. They asked us to leave. I'm pretty sure they would've taken my film if I didn't make kissy faces at the frozen pizzas, scaring everyone but Tiffy off.

And that's my story. Beware the grocery stores, folks. They're not just for everyday goods anymore. Sometimes...they're for something far more...sinister.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com