I had received a hot tip a few weeks back about something that was going on in my area. Something so shocking and repulsive, you'll swear I'm lying. But I'm not. The proof is in the pictures.
It was brought to my attention that there was a store in the area, a deli, that was selling something so asinine and ludicrous...I would never dream it could be true. They were reportedly selling food that was 15 years past it's expiration date. I debated with friends over the rumor's validity, with them swearing they'd seen it themselves. I was skeptical.
So, we did what any normal people would do. We got a camera for a little investigative reporting...
Here's my friend, Princess Lolita, driving us to the destination of the awful crime. On the way, we sung showtunes and debated what we should do if the store was in fact selling rancid food. The unanimous verdict? Buy it!
Our destination: Sun Fruit & Vegetables Deli & Grocery. Looks pretty harmless from the outside. But on the inside? God...if those rumors were true, we were about to be privy to a sight worse than Hell itself.
We got out of the car and looked destiny right in the face. Bravery was essential. Any normal human being would run out of this place in horror upon seeing the rumored crimes and blatant disregard for human health going on inside. But we had a mission. And we had to accomplish it.
OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN! It's true! It's true! The store was selling PAC MAN SPAGHETTIOS from 1986!!!!
We just stood there, shocked. Dismayed. Sickened. This store is generally pretty popular. Had no one noticed that there were cans of food on the shelf over fourteen years old? They even had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and Spider-Man varieties, also nearing a decade past their expiration dates.
Guys, I'm not kidding. These were really on the shelf. With all the other food, right there in plain view.
We contemplated what to do for a moment, and decided it'd be best for my friends to pose with the cans for a silly picture...
Sure, the food was more rancid than a dead squirrel left on the road in Florida...but hey...it's Pac-Man! We were all pretty excited about it. Here you see Princess Lolita and local DJ Nemesis Enforcer showing off their new favorite meal.
Soon after, I gathered up all the various cans of expired food and bought them. Could you believe the balls of the guy working the register to actually sell me these? I'm telling you...if I were to eat this and not die, I could sue and be a millionaire. But alas, I'm pretty sure I'd die.
The fucker was charging me 1.59 per can, too! We just stood there in shock as this monster nonchalantly ran up and packed up all the cans, taking my 20.00 and never once mentioning that these cans might be a year or fourteen past their expiration dates.
When I got home, I had a better chance to inspect what I had just bought....
4 cans of Pac-Man Pasta In Golden Chicken Flavored Sauce - These beauties were from 1986. The label clearly read 'no preservatives', meaning that there was absolutely nothing in this can that would guarantee even a modicum of freshness. If I were to open this thing, I'm pretty sure mutant animals would crawl out.
Now, the picture of the food on the can itself is...let's say...'less than appetizing'. It looks like runny eggs shaped like Pac-Man ghosts. But could you imagine what it must look like now? If I had the choice between eating this and eating horse shit, I'd stick my face up a horse's ass so fast you'd think I had some special super speed power.
The back of the can boasts some classic jokes, such as these:
Q: Can you think of something soft and sweet to say?
Q: Does the candy store serve nuts?
Jesus christ! This definitely wasn't Chef Boyardee's greatest accomplishment, but I'm pretty sure he was satisfied that enough time has past that no one would remember this folly. Little did he know...
I also picked up two other varities of Spaghettios, both of which were crucially inedible...
4 cans of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pasta Shapes! - Expired in 1993.
3 cans of Spider-Man Pasta Shapes With Mini Meatballs! -- No expiration date, but judging from the fact that the cans have more rust on them than my tricycle, I'm relatively certain that courts could institute eating this as a new form of a death penalty.
Now the big question remains...what the fuck do I do with all these cans of rancid food?
Well, I want to keep one of the Pac-Man's for myself. A few friends have claimed some others. Don't ask me why. :)
Anyways, we're going to do a little contest for those of you out there who feel like you need to own one of these cans...but before we do, a word of warning:
DO NOT EAT IT.
If you'd like to enter for the Pac-Man can, send me a short essay on why Pac-Man is so special to you.
If you'd like to win the Spider-Man can, tell me what Spider-Man does for you that makes you such a big fan of his.
For the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles can, write to me and let me know who your favorite Turtle is and why.
From each category, I'll choose the best essays. The winner will receive the stupid can of rancid food, free of charge. Essays will be put up onto X-E in a special contest section too...so you'll be a megastar on top of everything else. :)
Ergh. I still can't believe it. 15 year old cans of rancid food available to all. It's just...not...right.