 Have you ever gotten so tired that you've physically hurt yourself to try to go to sleep? I can't tell you how many times I've banged my head against the wall to try to knock myself asleep. When that doesn't work, I try something far more damaging...I watch TBS. Now, for those of you unfamiliar to what the Turner Broadcasting Station will run when it's really late and they're confident no one is watching...it's really scary. Since I endear myself to stupid movies, half of my video collection is of a direct result of being torturously awake watching TBS at 4 AM on a Thursday night. So anyway, last week I hit that wall again. I couldn't fall asleep no matter what I tried...counting sheep, counting ducks, counting the number of Stormtroopers who missed their targets in Star Wars....nothing worked. So it was time to put on TBS. I turned on the television and layed back down. I started cursing thinking I put on the nature channel, because all I saw on the tv was a sassy orangutan. Upon closer inspection, it was just a young Christian Slater. And that brings up to today's movie - The Legend Of Billie Jean.  Have you ever seen a movie with a plot and script so unbelievably remarkable, you just sit there in awe and amazement over the genius who created it? Good. I'm glad for you. Because all I got from this movie was a migraine and an upset stomach. Watching this, I was convinced that I had taken acid earlier in the night. I didn't remember taking any...I was pretty sure I didn't take any...but there was no way what I was watching was real. For a movie to be this stupid, I had to be hallucinating it. The Plot: Alien donkeys convince Helen Slater to become a intepretive dancer while Christian Slater follows his boyhood dream of becoming a rogue architect. Not really...but the real plot is even worse... The Real Plot: Billie Jean Davy & her brother became falsely accused outlaws which take them away from civilization and on the brink of the law. Tagging along is some stupid chick, and Yeardley Smith. You may remember Yeardley from her award-winning work on Herman's Head. She also does Lisa's voice in the Simpsons. I've been trying to place her into a category for this past hour...but the only thing I can come up with is 'swine'. She's just awful here. Anyway, as the plot progresses, so does the stupidity. The foursome is on the run, so they decide to set up camp in an 'abandoned house'. In the house they meet Lloyd, who is beyond a shadow of the doubt the ugliest stereotypical 80s movie guy I've ever seen in my entire life. So of course, Billie Jean and Lloyd hook up. The real key to the movie is this: while at Lloyd's, Billie Jean watches some movie about Joan of Arc. So she decides to shave all her hair off and become a modern day crusader over being shafted for a few hundred bucks. Little overdramatic, no? But after all...FAIR IS FAIR! Yes...fair is fair. This was the movie's catch phrase. Billie Jean didn't want any trouble. She just wanted the money some dirty guy owed her. Why? Well...as she's told us about 70,000 times..because fair is fair. The Billie Jean craze catches on like wildfire, so every girl in the movie is obsessed with her. This allows Billie Jean access to secret underground lairs and cool Billie Jean parties she might not otherwise be aware of. Rating: I'll probably end up buying this movie. But I also watch the Golden Girls as religiously as most of you go to church on Easter, so don't use my opinion. This movie utterly and completely sucks. The only good reason to watch it is for the scenes of the mid-80s Kay Bee and the peek back in time at some of the cool old toys. Other than that? It's a wash out.  Other Notes: * If I had one wish...only one wish in the entire world....you could bet that it'd be to see a fat, awkward, teenage Yeardley Smith looking at her bloody hand and being told she just had her first period. This really happened. WHY? Why in God's fucking name do we need to see this fucking goon all cheerful because she's bled all over the car seat? Why does she need a subplot? Nobody cares about the ugly one. And man...if you're gonna give her a subplot, at least make it anorexia or something that we could find remotely cool. Having her mungdrip all over a car and smiling like she just won the lotto about it isn't really my idea of a great movie climax. * Fair is Fair. Stupid catchphrases bear repeating. * Lloyd also bears repeating. I've seen a *lot* of cliched 80s movies in my day. I own a complete collection of Corey Haim videos. But even those pale in comparison to Lloyd. Firstly, you girls out there could take a mop, put it in a bucket of urine, and date it. You'd be better off than dating Lloyd. His only plus was that he had a lot of Halloween costumes. But even that couldn't stop him from becoming the champion idiot of my Thursday night. Going Further: I am more convinced than ever that Christian Slater is the missing link. He's only semi-apeish now...but back when he was young? The kid was a fucking orangutan. Look, I'll prove it..   Oh, and Billie Jean...played by Helen Slater. You might remember her from this role...  That's right. Helen Slater played Bizarro. And as for Yeardley Smith? Well, believe it or not, I found an online fan club for her. The president 'boasts' that the members grew to an enormous 60 in a scant two years. Hmm. Getting back on track...The Legend of Billie Jean. I wouldn't reccomend it unless you're a masochist or if you know you should be punished for something. Will I watch it again? I'm already trying to buy it. But that's because I'm, unquestionably, an idiot. Don't be an idiot too. If at all possible...avoid this movie. - Matt
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