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My Halloween Costumes Always Sucked
liquorhead - 05/29/00

A Doctor Doom mask for Halloween? I should have been so lucky!

I always had the worst time at Halloween. There were a few early years where my Mom seemed to take care of me okay, but when it was up to my Dad, I'd end up with the worst costumes you'd ever seen.

My dad had a knack of throwing something together at the severe last minute that totally sucked. At the elementary school I went to, kids got to wear their costumes to class for Halloween. Most of the kids would end up wearing the goofy old costumes from Ben Cooper and Collegeville. You know, with the cheap plastic mask and rubber band strap, and an "outfit" that looked as if it were made out of trashbags.

The worst part is that most of them looked nothing like the people they were supposed to be. A Chewbacca and C3P0 costume, for example, would have a decent enough mask, but instead of an outfit that actually looked like a Wookie or Droid, it would just be some flashy design with the character waving at you, as if he were saying, "Hi! I'm a total stupid asshole!"

Check out this Stormtrooper outfit as a prime example.

If Han and Luke wore this as a disguise, they'd have been shot on sight!

My mother even thought these were lame. One year, I really really really wanted to be one of the ape soldiers from Planet of the Apes, but she thought the outfit that came with the storebought mask was just asinine (as you can see below). She let me use the mask, but ended up making me a kick ass black felt vest with rhinestones glued to it.

"Just put this on baby, and let me have a shot at ya!"

But as I said, my dad would use no such creativity.

One year, he just threw a mummy mask in my room the day of Halloween. I had to be a mummy wearing an Adidas shirt and old jeans. It was humiliating. Though I suppose it wasn't as humiliating as the poor kid that had to dress up as Rubik's cube.

How many poor kids had to get the obvious "let me rearrange your face" joke with this one?

One particularly humiliating 2nd grade featured a yellow sweater with baloons pinned to it. I was the scary "Baloon Monster". Guess how long the baloons lasted with my mean classmates?

Once my dad literally waited 'til about 40 minutes before I had to go trick or treating before he gave me my costume. He gave me some ultra generic monster zombie mask, a cycle racing shirt, and then padded the shoulder with a big hump made out of towels. He said I was "THE MAD BIKER". Needless to say, that was the last time I went trick-or-treating ever again.

For the most part, nearly all Halloween costumes that are commercially available completely suck. As I shop for my own kid, the sea of Blues Clues, Teletubbies, and their ilk do nothing but sicken.

And sure, they have some really cool full head rubber masks out there, but what hope do you have in finding an outfit to go with them.

Well, thanks to eBay, at least I can find some cool ones for my kids that I always wanted for myself.

You know damn well they're going to be the coolest kids on the street with these.

Please don't beat up my kids when you see them in these, blame their father.