We were recently granted an very rare interview with Transformers Autobot leader, Optimus Prime. I've gotta admit, I was pretty taken aback by his candor, but hey...a true leader pulls no punches. Read on...
X-E: Optimus! Thanks for granting us this special interview. It means a lot to us personally, and I'm sure it means a lot to the readers. How are you feeling today?
Optimus: Oh, just terrific, thanks.
X-E: Optimus...you are heralded as the greatest Autobot leader ever. How does it feel to have that title?
Optimus: Please. It's like winning a painting contest against two blind guys without hands. Ultra Magnus? Come on...his biggest accomplishment in his two minute stint as leader was blowing up half our ship and whining about some unsolved mysteries. He's a fucking pussy. And Rodimus? Give me a break.
X-E: Hmm...I'm sensing a little hostility on this whole Rodimus issue. Am I right on that?
Optimus: Hey, because of that fucker I got shot twelve times and died. You wouldn't be buying him cupcakes either, dude.
X-E: Hmmm... Guess I see your point. Yeah, he did kinda cause you to die, didn't he? How did you feel, lying on that table knowing that you were about to go six feet under?
Optimus: Ohhh I felt great! Never felt better! What kind of fucking questions are these...I haven't answered a more obvious question since Jazz asked me if the sky was blue. Christ...
X-E: Oh... uh...
Optimus: Hey man, I was just kidding! Seriously though...I'm laying on that table, all the Autobots are watching me die. Couldn't one of them just change my batteries or something? I'm a robot for crying out loud. Let me ask you a question...if someone shot your car a few times, what would you do?
X-E: Well, I guess I'd get it fixed up, get a new paint job...things like that.
Optimus: Exactly! It just pissed me off. I really don't understand it though. For two seasons I was fighting Megatron every day, and I never got a scratch. Then, out of nowhere, he has this awesome aim and a lazer that actually hurts me. It was pretty weird.
X-E: Ah yes, Megatron. You know, he won our little villain poll here...our readers feel he was the best cartoon bad guy of all time. Your thoughts?
Optimus: Personally, I voted for Skeletor. After all, the guy's a fucking skull. You don't get much more evil than that. I guess Megs was pretty evil...but see, I judge evil by underwear. Skeletor had this badass black furry underwear. Megatron had none. My vote was pretty obvious.
X-E: Uhh...no comment there. Okay...out of all the Autobots, who did you feel was the most effective in battle?
X-E: Besides you, Optimus.
Optimus: Man, I did all the work. All the rest of those turkeys just sat there yelling 'yay Optimus!' while raising their arms like it was some sort of basketball game.
X-E: Alright...how about the Autobot who was the least effective in combat?
Optimus: Oh, that's easy. Blaster. What the hell was he supposed to do? Play pop songs in the hopes that he could convince the Decepticons to dance instead of shoot at us? And the way he talked...jesus. 'Hey, humans, open yo eyes...it's me, it's me...robot in disguise!' Makes me fucking sick, quite honestly.
X-E: Thanks for your time, Optimus Prime... Any closing thoughts?
Optimus: Just one. Do you have any marijuana?