Most people who’ve watched Star Wars have never thought much of him. Another character lost in the massive shuffle that is the Star Wars Universe. Only appearing in Episode IV: A New Hope for approx. 30 seconds, one could see why Greedo could be easily forgotten. However, Greedo somehow has developed a cult following from a select group of people. Myself included, we have unearthed (or is that untatooined?) the story behind the Roidian, the myth, the legend… Greedo.

Growing up on the planet Tatooine, life was tough for a young Roidian by the name of Greedo. Greedo spent most of his life living in a small one bedroom apartment on the upper-east side of Mos Eisley. It was there where he lived with his mother, Grooda , and his three sisters Greeta, Greedia, and Sally. There wasn’t much privacy for a blossoming, young, male Roidian. This led to Greedo spending most of his time outdoors. Oftentimes though, young Greedo would be shunned by his playmates. This climaxed at one point when Greedo tried to take out his aggressions by picking a fight with a young Anakin Skywalker.

Greedo’s ass was subsequently kicked. This was the fist such event that led to the eventual downfall of Greedo. Following the confrontation with Anakin, Greedo ran away from home fearing that his mother and his three sisters would be disappointed with him for losing a battle to a human. To them, of course, Roidians are the master species, and losing to a human was one of the most dishonorable things a Roidian could do!

Greedo spent his teenage years skipping from halfway house to halfway house. Being kicked out of each one. Greedo oftentimes contemplated suicide, but he feared even worse what his fate might be in the afterlife. Eventually by the time he was seventeen, Greedo had saved up enough money to by a cheap blaster and a used imperial speeder. He knew a Bounty Hunter by the name of Dengar who could get him work with Mos Eisley’s most notorious crime boss…

Jabba the Hutt.

Greedo worked as a freelance Bounty Hunter for Jabba for a good couple of years. He had made enough money as a Bounty Hunter to sell his old speeder and buy a real ship, even. It wasn’t until one fateful day while Greedo was enjoying a drink with his fellow Bounty Hunters at a local cantina where he ran across none other than Han Solo. Greedo knew that Jabba had a price on Solo’s head. He needed the money, hell he had loans to pay off just like the rest of us. We all know what happened next. Greedo sat down with Solo, and in the ensuing period took a blaster shot to the gut at point blank range.

To most who know of Greedo, this was always thought to be the end of his tale. However, we have found otherwise. The folowing details are sketchy at best, but apparently Greedo did in fact survive the confrontation with Han Solo. However, unlike most bounty hunters who would go after Solo for revenge the minuets their wounds had healed, Greedo decided otherwise. No, Greedo never fully healed from this wound. He knew that he would no longer be able to Bounty Hunt again.

Greedo headed to the Imperial City where he worked as a freighter ship pilot for some time. Greedo missed the excitement of bounty hunting though, and he found something to fill the hole that this had caused. Drugs. Greedo began experimenting with almost every drug in the known universe. He then lost his pilot job and found himself on the streets. It wasn’t long before Greedo would fall to the lowest common denominator

70’s style gay porno.

It’s sad, I know. But Greedo had a habit to feed, and bumming for change on the streets couldn’t pay for such things. Eventually, Greedo’s connections in the porn industry would fail him. This would put Greedo back on the streets where, as our sources have told us, he would pay for his addictions by sucking dick for single lines of coke.

This is where the story breaks apart. Some have said that Greedo died on the street from an unknown alien STD. Others claim that he’s still alive and is touring Indian casinos with an magic act alongside his longtime friend, the Alien from Aliens.

Truth be told, no one knows for sure where Greedo is today. Wherever he is though, his faithful fans will never forget him. That’s at least one thing that’s for sure.

"Dooht dahn Solo??"