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The Old Ronald McDonald Speaks Out!
Matt - 06/04/00

As most of you know by now, there's a new Ronald in town. Yes, McDonalds has axed the old Ronald McDonald, the one we all knew and loved...the one who taught us to live happy and eat unhealthy.

But the question remains...why? Why take this cult icon out of his position of power? The new Ronald can't hold a candle to our hero. He's not a very convincing clown, which is even more amazing when you realize that he is in a clown suit, after all.

Well, we couldn't take not knowing the full story any longer, so we went out and found the old Ronald. Hopefully he'll shed some light on the situation....

X-E Presents...

An Interview With....Ronald McDonald....

X-E: Ronald, I'd just like to extend our thanks for granting us this inter---hey, wait a second, why are you still in clown make-up?

Ronald: Long story. Back in '77, I lost a drinking game dare and had to get the lyrics to 'Car Wash' tattooed on my face. Trust me, you'd rather look at a clown.

X-E: Hooookay... Let's just get right to the key question here...what happened between you and McDonalds that caused them to fire your ass?

Ronald: You've got it all wrong. They didn't fire me...I quit. Listen, for 20 years I've done nothing but talk to a phallic purple gumdrop and talking Chicken McNuggets. I understand that it's part of the job, but I want to retire with some sanity left.

X-E: Wow, this is a side of you I'm not sure our readers have seen before...

Ronald: Well, there's no reason for me to pretend to be some nice clown anymore. All you idiots that supported me for years, fuck off. Eat Roy Rogers for all I care. You're fucking fools. Hey, know that Ronald McDonald House charity we were always running?

X-E: Yes I do, that was terrific of you guys, helping those misfortunate children like that.

Ronald: Misfortunate children my ass! The money went to my house - Ronald McDonald's house! I've got four indoor jacuzzis and a go-kart track in my basement. Thanks guys!

X-E: Jeez...

Ronald: Yeah, jeez. Hey, mind if we take a five minute lunch break? I'm starving.

X-E: Well, yeah...I guess that would be okay.

X-E: Hey! What are you doing?!?!? You can't eat that!!!

Ronald: Huh? What are you talking about?

X-E: That's Burger King! This is absolutely sacreligious!

Ronald: Oh please. You're telling me you actually eat the food from McDonalds?

X-E: Everybody does!

Ronald: Well, let me clue you in. Know what they add to the burgers for protein? Earthworms.

X-E: Shut up Ronald, that's not true.

Ronald: Oh yes it is. And if we run out of mayo for Big Macs, the cooks are encouraged to simply blow their nose in the buns.

X-E: AUGH! Stop lying, you're making me sick!

Ronald: Right right. I look like a clown, so I must be that it? Okay Mr. Naysayer, turns out I have a copy of our Big Mac recipe right here...

X-E: My god..

Ronald: Yeah, and I'm not even going to get into what's in the milkshakes. Let's just say that it involves giving elephants a lot of sugar and laxatives.

X-E: Enough!! Alright...changing the subject here...out of all the people you've worked with, who was your favorite and why?

Ronald: That's easy. The Hamburgler.

X-E: Really? Why's that.

Ronald: Simple. We were lovers.

X-E: find out something new everyday. Well, one final any advice for the new Ronald McDonald?

Ronald: Yep...don't wear that outfit to The Apollo. I found that one out the hard way.

X-E: Thanks for your time, Mr. McDonald...

Ronald: Keep it real, X-E. Keep it real.

- Matt

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