Origin. Come on now...three guys and a girl get bombarded with death rays in space, and they all come out with unique special powers? If me and three friends jumped in a sewer, I'm relatively sure we wouldn't emerge with all these different wonderous talents. We'd just smell awful for awhile. The Fantastic Four should've been dead before they even had the chance to give themselves such a conceited title, but nooooo...

Here are the four teammates that make up this infamously famous tandem of costumed idiots...

Mr. Fantastic -- This guy's got some set, calling himself 'Mister Fantastic'. Could you imagine having someone like Dr. Doom or Sabretooth about to rip your heart out, and asking what your name is? If any of us said 'Mr. Fantastic', we'd be dead before we even hit the floor. But not Reed Richards, no sir. He can't be killed by normal means, because he has the ability to stretch any part of his body to unimaginable lengths. Convenient! But I'm sure the Invisble Woman didn't mind it too much, if you catch my drift.

Also, I understand that time has little meaning in the comic book universe, but by my watch...Reed Richards should be about....oh....600 years old by now. Yet he still has the power to inseminate women and sing showtunes. Plus, he's a super genius. Maybe he is fantastic after all.

A typical Mr. Fantastic conversation went like this...

The Thing: How'd the honeymoon go?

Mr. Fantastic: Let the record state that I used my altered genetic infrastructure to it's fullest advantage while cementing the holy vow that is marriage.

The Thing: Come again?

Mr. Fantastic: I stretched my dick seven extra inches.

Next up is The Invisible Woman. Susan Storm is married to Stretchy, and she has the power to become invisible at a whim. When everyone in the Marvel Universe started turning up with more impressive powers, she started using her invisibility to make shields and shit.

While she could become invisible, Sue's real power was the ability to be famous with having less personality than a dead tree. She might be good if you gotta have that Snickers bar but don't have the extra 79 cents, but I wouldn't be asking her to co-host a radio show or anything.

Common Invisible Woman convo?

Human Torch: Hey Sue, what do you think about these new shoes I got? They cost a lot of money, but I say The Torch needs to ride high fashion.

Invisible Woman: Good.

Human Torch: Shit...Sue..I think I set you on fire just now..

Invisible Woman: Oh.

Human Torch: Shit, I forgot to tell you! Reed just died in a car accident and your son was abducted by Doctor Doom!

Invisible Woman: That's not very good.

And that brings us to The Human Torch. His powers were pretty neat. As if the ability to spontaneously combust isn't sweet enough, Johnny Storm could also fly. I'm not going to give you any sample conversations for this guy, since he was pretty much just your normal run of the mill kid who just happened to be on fire a lot.

And lastly, we have...The Thing. This is the reason I wanted to write this article, because there's just so much to talk about when it comes to Ben Grimm.

Okay, first of all, The Thing was mad at Reed Richards about that whole radioactivity thing, seeing as how it was Reed who hired him to fly the rocket. Hey, I'd be pretty pissed too. Reed's elastic, Susan's invisible, Johnny's on fire...and the Thing is just a big ugly Tang-colored rock. Talk about getting the short end of the stick.

Can you imagine what Ben must feel like everyday of his life? He can't go on roller coasters, can almost never wear anything besides giant underwear, and he certainly can't have children. It's really weird that this guy's had girlfriends. Even if they were blind. What were they supposed to do in bed? Talk to each other about how nice it would be if Ben didn't have some scaly orange tree trunk in his tights? If The Thing ever wanted to kill a female villain, all he'd have to do is have sex with her.

It didn't help that The Thing had the disposition of an 80 year old truck driver you'd find near the local horse track. He's no crying on the inside clown or anything.

His power? Thing really had no special powers. He was a big rock, so of course he was much stronger and less susceptible to damage than those of us who are not big rocks. Other than that, the poor guy was just a big mess.

Common Thing convo...

The Thing: Reed, did you fix that machine that makes me human yet?

Mister Fantastic: Sorry Ben, I just can't figure it out. However, I just now built a machine that will turn the entire planet of Mars into a giant, dancing mouse. Also, I've cured cancer, and finally have figured out a way to turn sunglasses into plutonium.

The Thing: That's nice. But still no power-reversal ray?

Mister Fantastic: Nope, not that ray. But you might be interested in this ray. If you shoot it at a dog, the dog will turn into a lifesize replica of an Egyptian pyramid!

The Thing: I find it hard to believe that you can do all that stuff, but you can't turn me back into a human.

Mister Fantastic: You know Ben, it's on the inside what counts. Not the outside.

The Thing: Have you ever tried jerking off a flagpole? Try it, and tell me if you feel the same way.

Mister Fantastic: Hey, speaking of flagpoles, check this out...this ray will turn any flagpole into the continent of Europe, instantly!

Finally, we have the team name itself. The Fantastic Four. A little narcissistic, no? I mean, I can understand calling yourself fantastic after doing all these wonderful deeds for everyone, but these guys were calling themselves that before they even opted for super-heroism instead of circus-act. Can you imagine these four monsters walking out into the city for the first time following the radioactive waves?

Everyone: OH MY GOD! Look at those hideous monsters! HELP! HELP! They're gonna eat us! POLICE!

Human Torch: Don't worry, everyone. We're fantastic.

Everyone: WHOOO! Get the confetti, and tape of the ticker variety! These guys are fantastic!

Bottom line here - don't believe the comic books when they tell you that the heroes make sense. They usually don't.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
X-E Java Arcade