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Scientology - Where Vulcan Ears Are Holy...
Matt - 06/06/00


We've all tried to rebel in our own little ways. Whether by listening to music that some would deem 'satanic', or by wearing nothing but outfits made of tin foil, every single one of us has screamed 'lookie me, I'm different!' at least once in our lives.

I was no different. I've tried everything from vampire obsessions to collecting stickers that had coffee cups on them. When that didn't work, I decided I needed to delve deeper into the pot, and started fucking around with religion.

And what was the hippest religion to fall into? That was tough. I could've went Wicca or something, but every fiber of my being was much to tyrannical. Even I wouldn't take myself seriously.

Maybe Buddhism? I've got about 15 Buddha statues lining the shelves in my room. I think they're cool, but I really don't want to sit down in front of them and tell them my troubles. It's much more fun to adorn them with little necklaces and stuff. So Buddhism was out.

Tao? I had already fucked myself over on that one. I bought a Tao book and pronounced it to my freinds as 'tay-oh', thus rendering me a complete Tao poser and having nothing to do with my Tao of Pooh books but to hock 'em on eBay.

Atheism? Bah. Too unoriginal. I've tried debating the existence of some grand universal deity about a thousand times to a thousand people, but the conversation ends up more boring than talking about our favorite color of tempured glass. Plus, I had always intended to get a cross tattoo. Not as some sign of respect, it's just that my second choice of a pair of cherries would make me look even stranger. But I can't have a cross on my forearm while I'm telling people that God's as real as Santa Claus, so no atheism.

Then it hit me...scientology! Yeah! The only religion officially endorsed by Hollywood!

Scientology by general belief generally followed a lot of things I actually did believe, so it seemed kinda cool that I wouldn't have to totally lie about it. So, I made the most awful mistake of my life. The worst thing any sane person could do.

I contacted the scientologists.

Now, you have to understand, devoted followers of scientology generally aren't your normal breed. If you show even the slightest sign of interest, you become their hobby, and they won't stop until you get personalized liscense plates reading 'Hubbard'. I had casually e-mailed them a few years back requesting some pamphlet. What I got back was this handwritten note, which certainly had the handwriting of a raving lunatic. Along with that, several documents essentially telling me what an idiot I've been all these years, and, most importantly, two tickets to a scientology workshop in NYC.

I debated taking one of my friends to check it out...luckily my higher brain function kicked in. Have you ever seen a guy continually ask out a girl who has zero interest in him? That's scientology. I gave them no reason to think I was even still alive, yet for three years now I keep getting all this crazy shit from them.

Today was no different.

The envelope had a very important question printed on it for me to ponder: 'how toxic are you?'. Immediately, I realized this was another attempt by the Church of Scientology to capitalize on my Star Wars fandom and turn me to them.

But what was inside the envelope had to be the funniest stuff yet I've gotten from these guys. The person who wrote it runs the 'Purification Program' at the Celebrity Centre in New York. He asked if I was interested in having the toxins removed from my body.

Toxins?

To clear things up, they also sent me a test sheet - How Toxic Are You? Now, I really don't need some written test to tell me I'm toxic. 95% of what I ingest is either in a capsule or made by Pepperidge Farm. I'm pretty sure I'm not the model of purity. But here, check this test out. The vague questions almost assure a 'yes' from all of you...meaning all of you should run to get yourselves de-toxified right now....

Well, fuck me. I went 10 for 10. Sorry Mom. According to the test, I am experiencing the effects of severe body pollution. I looked in the mirror and realized what a truly wasted life I was living. My time was surely limited. My doom was surely imminent.

But it's okay! They offer a solution! There is salvation!

L. Ron Hubbard's Clear Body, Clear Mind. Hubbard wrote science fiction, folks. People turned it into a religion. If I was going to do that, I'd start chanting the universal greeting from Transformers: The Movie when I needed enlightment. Not read all these big words. But, Sci-Fi Hubbard's devoted followers also offer a few other reading suggestions to help you better understand scientology...

I don't think I can go to Hell for making fun of scientology like this, since they probably don't believe in Hell. I might end up stranded on the Hoth system or something though. You have to see these brochures. Everyone's smiling and playing tennis and stuff. The neuro-association here is that if you switch to scientology, you'll get a nice tan and a lot of athletic skills.

I'm not sure it's worth the time though. I'm pretty sure learning the Klingon language is a prerequisite, and I'm a busy man.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com