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I woke up, and I wanted a snowcone...
Matt - 06/10/00

I woke up this morning with a peculiar craving. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe some icy dream or some bells on television that vaguely reminded me of an ice cream truck while I slept - but all I know is that I woke up knowing that somehow, someway...I had to have a snowcone.

But that posed a problem, since everyone knows that there's a huge snowcone shortage here in NY. Was I to be denied my passion ice simply because of that? I think not. So I did what any normal person would do under such dire circumstances. I grabbed some friends and skipped town in search of snowcones.

You may remember these particular friends, NE & Lolita, from the infamous Pac-Man Pasta article awhile back. We crossed the bridge and ventured into Jersey, our quest taking us down the Garden State to the boardwalk/beach community of...Seaside Heights...

Seaside is more of a tourist community, and believe me, it attracts some of the most awful people on the planet. Between the heckling carnival game pushers calling to me with such insightful wittisms as 'you...with the hair!' and 'hey, play this game and you'll win something no one in their right mind would want'...not to mention the astounding amount of fat Scottish guys littering the boardwalk complete with Scottish hats and kilts (I kid you not), we knew we were in for a rough time on our Snowcone Mission. But we were determined. Very determined.

I decided to ask some of the locals if they had seen any snowcones. Unfortunately, the fellow pictured above was the only guy in Seaside who could string a sentence together without reading the back of his hand. He claimed to know where snowcones could be found, but refused to tell me unless I paid two bucks to try and dunk him in the filthy water underneath him. It was a no-go. That two bucks would've been taken directly out of my snowcone fund, so it looks like we were both out of luck.

We figured it'd be a good idea to check some of the boardwalk shops for snowcones. We obviously weren't thinking, because as any of you out there who've been to a beach community would know, the only things they sell are the most asinine, ludicrous items on the face of the planet.

For an example, take a look at the picture above. Now you can be the pinnacle of high fashion in your brand-new 'I'm Going Nucking Futs!' t-shirt. Or, going even further up the high-brow of summer wear, we have the classic 'Just Do Me' t-shirt. Either way, the only people who can get away with wearing these are 400 pound toothless men who'll hit on anything female, whether she's 12, 87, or feline. The rest of us have to seek out other clothing outlets if we don't want to appear to have the combined IQ of a block of wood and rabbit shit.

I got to thinking....snowcones were heavenly, right? Well, surely, they must be in the sky! Since I have no balls, I volunteered NE to take the ride up to heaven in Seaside's only ride that seemed to be in working order, 'The Megadrop'. NE didn't find any snowcones up there, but suspiciously enough, when he exited the ride his pants were covered in a green substance not unlike a mixture of gelatin and cum. Needless to say, he wasn't in the best of spirits for the remainder of our adventure.

The guy you see Lolita talking to above turned out to be the most intelligent guy in Seaside. Basically, he didn't talk, but unlike the rest of the city, he didn't say anything remarkably stupid either. Unfortunately, he was of no help on our quest for the pleasure ice..

I took a whack at it too...

Matt: So, see any snowcones around these parts lately?

Pirate: Your hand is in my crotch.

Matt: I know. Aren't you one of those gay pirates?

Pirate: Well, yeah...I am.

Matt: So what's the problem?

Pirate: There's no problem. I was just making conversation.

The gay pirate statue seemed to enjoy our run-in, but he too was of no help at all on my indefiable mission to have a snowcone.

We received a hot tip that 'the snowcone rests with the spirits'. We took that to mean there'd be snowcones in Seaside's chilling haunted house ride. Lolita wouldn't go on with us, leaving NE and I looking like two psychopathic flamers who liked to take pictures inside kiddie parks.

While we didn't spot any snowcones on the inside, we did see all sorts of angelic stuff...

I have no clue what that's supposed to be in the first picture. I was more interested in the fact that there were actual books in a community as seemingly stupid as Seaside Heights.

Speaking of Seaside, in the second pic you'll find the city's most attractive citizen.

We were pretty freaked out when we got the the torture chamber found in picture three. Not because it was all that scary, but because whomever caused this carnage obviously felt that only feet were a worthy enough body part to make wall trophies out of.

That thing in Pic Four was pretty cool. It was a guy getting electricuted, causing the entire ride to shake as if it was dancing to a really good Mariah remix. While that was kinda nice, snowcones.

Things were getting pretty serious now. It was getting late, and I'd yet to complete my mission. We decided to stop playing games and seek out the mayor of Seaside Heights - a giant, Pepsi-drinking chicken. The only thing he'd tell me is that the city could not be held legally responsible for any inevitable deaths caused on their inarguably unsafe rides, and that he really reccomended we try out Steve's Clam Bar up the boardwalk.

Yeah, this boardwalk was loaded with clam bars. It was completely disgusting. The people working in them looked like corpses, only dirtier. Obviously, they weren't wearing gloves, since they refuse to wear any article of clothing they can't spell. Every single one of these clam bars smelled like a cross between rotten bananas and rotting flesh. But I digress...

Maybe the arcade? Maybe they'll be some snowcones down at the arcade?

I didn't see any snowcones, but they did have a kickass Star Wars: The Phantom Menace pinball game. I swear, I must've went through at least fifteen dollars on this thing, and I usually hate playing games in arcades when there's crane games with Pokemon dolls nearby. If you're in the vicinity of an arcade, I definitely reccomend checking this one out. It's got all these viewscreens and crazy bonuses and stuff. So far, this was the highlight of the adventure.

I was absolutely floored when I came across this game - the original Street Fighter game! No, not Street Fighter II, not Street Fighter Alpha, not Street Fighter XXVIV, not Street Fighter Meets Godzilla. The original Street Fighter.

While taking a trip back in time at the arcade was fun, it didn't help us complete our mission. And did we, you ask?

Life is fucking sweet, my friends.

- Matt

Thanks once again to The Ron & Fez show - and to ALL of you who voted for us...we took the title tonight in their Friday Night Site Wars! More details coming soon...