Your humble narrator has just got in from a night filled with illegal wonderments, and of course, the trademark b-movie under his belt. Tonight I was forced to watch early 80s classic horror cheese flick, House, which somehow had eluded me for all of my 21 glorious years of a pseudo sci-fi buff.

House in a lot of ways was really similar to the scariest, most disturbing fucking movie of all time, Jacob's Ladder. But unlike that mindfuck, House was stuck in the 80s mold of the horror genre about as far as you could get into it.

Here's the basic plot, which I conveniently ripped off another site. I'm sure no one will mind -- "House" is a chilling fright-fest with a darkly twisted sense of humor. Katt is mystery writer Roger Cobb, a troubled Vietnam vet who moves into a sinister gothic house (where his aunt committed suicide!) to write his memoirs. The nightmare begins as monsters pop out of closets, Cobb relives his unpleasant Vietnam experiences in horrifying flashbacks and he stumbles into a frightening alternate dimension.

Trust me, it sounds far more scary than it actually is. Because of two things:

I'm sorry, but you can get Satan himself to star in your movie...it doesn't matter. If you cast Bull from Night Court as the lead villain, you're not asking to be taken too seriously. The only thing weirder than seeing Bull in gross skeleton zombie form was seeing Bull with hair.

And George? Judging from this, his celebrity star power from Cheers had certainly NOT kicked in by this point. This is definitely the role that went to 'that guy'. By 'that guy', I'm referring to any of the slew of actors and actresses more likely to land a guest spot on The Juiceman infomercial than any type of real tv or movie project.

We've gone off-track.

House supplied all the things we've come to expect from vintage horror flicks usually reserved for 3 AM features on the WB Network Wednesday nights. You'll get a chance to see some of the most ridiculous monster costumes in history, which pale only in comparison to some of the movie's 'scare' scenes:

* There's one of those stuffed marlin fish plaques on the wall - and you guessed it, the fish comes alive. Unfortunately, the height of it's terror was the ability to flap it's tail back and forth while still strapped to the wall, and occassionally squeak.

* Hand tools floated effortlessly at our hero, trying to dismember him. Bear in mind, when I say 'floated effortlessly at our hero', I actually mean 'kinda glided on really bad wired aimed in the general proximity of our hero'. Classic stuff. Nothing scarier than someone getting chased by a pair of floating scissors.

Still, the movie did have it's moments. It actually had an incredible plot twist involving the hero's past tribulations serving in the Vietnam war which ties the entire flick together nicely. It's actually interesting enough to warrant doing a remake.

Reccomended? Certainly, for kicks only. It's not going to change the way you look at life, but it might get ya to jump at few times and it's a good way to pass the time between the 6 PM and 11 PM Golden Girls hours. Enjoy!

To purchase House on VHS, click here.

-- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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