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Jesus Christ!
Matt - 06/14/00

Let's get sacreligious!

Today's adventure brought me to a place I never thought I'd be. The Tiffstigator and the other various members of the surrogate X-E crew who agree to accompany me on these little journeys were all off watching a mini-series or something today, so I had to call in the reserves.

That brought in my friend Alison, one of the stranger people I've met. I made the mistake of allowing her to pick the spot for today's expose. I figured she'd pick some horrible supermarket or a really bad thrift store, but no... I was totally unprepared for today's hotspot...

Yes, we went to a fucking Jesus Store. Now, before we get into this, a couple of note:

1.- I have nothing against Jesus.
2.- I love every religion as if it were a really sweet-tasting candy.
3.- I have no problem with anyone who has faith. Especially Billy Dee Williams, because he's fucking sassy.

That being said, this was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most hilarious place I have ever seen. I brought my camera in, but realized that if I tried to take a picture of anything, I'd end up on the floor rolling around laughing like I was at a comedy club.

You have to understand, me and Alison certainly didn't look the part. We didn't walk in to a bunch of people handing us rosaries or anything. Generally, the feeling I got was that the people there were waiting for us to torch the place. But, we knew we were there for a reason. We were convinced we were there to receive a special message from Jesus.

We were walking around this place about .00001 miles per hour, biting our lips and clenching each other, knowing full well with any wrong move, we could end up busting out laughing like hyenas, causing a major scene. You don't understand - this wasn't your normal, everyday, run-of-the-mill Jesus store. This was the fucking Wal-Mart of Jesus stores.

They had Jesus Loves You hats...books for women who were too sexually liberated about how they can be more lady-like and Jesusy, all sorts of weird stuff. Then, we turn to see that there's a 7' tall cardboard cutout of a superhero. His name? Bibleman.

Also, the place was fucking packed. When she told me we were on our way to a Jesus store, I figured there'd be no one in there but us and some dead old lady. No. It was like a fucking nightclub in this place. They needed a fucking doorman or something - there had to be at least 25 Jesus-pushers in there. Unfortunately for us, 23 of them had been outside before we went in while we were cracking up all over the streets trying to get all the laughter out of our system before making our appearance. Needless to say, no one was too happy that us satanists were in the store.

Now, I picked up something there that'll show you truly just the store got, but first, I want you to take a look at some pamphlets. They were hocking these for .13 cents each, and I swear to (conveniently) God that the messages within these things were...well, see for yourself.

Suicide And Rock & Roll! Holy fucking shit...okay, this one tells you all about how these kids who commit suicide listen to bad music, and gives examples about how dead teenager bodies are often found next to records from the likes of Van Halen and Motley Crue. What?! Okay, I agree. Rock and roll music makes kids kill themselves. But Van Halen and Motley Crue? Couldn't they have went a little more recent? Nobody's going to kill themself listening to Van Halen now...why? Because no one listens to Van Halen! These Jesus freaks need to get with the times.

Everyone Is Pierced! I honestly thought that, after reading this, I was about to be dragged to the back of the store and beat to death with clubs. The message here is that since Jesus got nails in him when he was crucified, none of you should be piercing yourself, as it's disrespectful. I love the hypocrisy, as it's obviously only making references to 'weird' nose piercings and the like. Ears are okay? Yes, ears are fine. You can pierce the fuck out of your ears, just leave the rest of your face alone. So what happens if you don't follow these rules? You burn in Hell! It's a good thing the safety pin in my eyebrow got ripped out a long time ago. It was probably some act of God to save my misguided soul. But for all you freaks out there with your labret piercings and whatnot - know this - he is watching.

Violence And Rock & Roll! As if causing kids nationwide to kill themselves faster than you could say 'fanatical' wasn't bad enough, rock & roll promotes violence! In this one, they give examples of what young people have said about violence...I swear to you I'm not making this up:

"Violence is a way of life."
"Just bam! And you clear the room."
"I saw this dog sitting on a couch in this big window above the front porch, so I shot him".

I'm not sure what this has to do with rock & roll, but apparently, music is to blame, and according to this, a lot of us youngsters are shooting at dogs in windows. Out of all the little booklets I got, this one scared me the most. From the picture it painted, I was expecting to leave the store to enter a shower of bullets and dead dogs all over the car.

In case you didn't notice...yes, they are drawing a comparison between God and George Lucas. Hey, I'm with them on that. I've been doing that for 21 years. Alison and I looked at each other and immediately slapped each other's mouths to make sure we didn't explode right then and there. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, they are saying that your faith in God should be just Luke's faith in the Force! It gets better. You open the booklet to see a picture montage of Christ and Yoda standing together. Does it get any fucking better than that? You think doing an expose on a Jesus store is sacreligious? No my friends, this is sacreligious.

Well, we left the store, but we still weren't sure of the special message Jesus had in store for us. Then, across the street, we saw an image...and we knew it was a sign...

Wait...were we supposed to eat Jesus? Nahhhh.... Jesus wanted us to eat and drink beer. Who are we to deny the lord?

There's me, trying to look somewhat religious. Or female. One or the other. There's the food and beer, which materialized from plain water. And there's Alison, mocking all that is holy with her silly beer blowjob face.

Oh, remember how I said I picked something special up at the Jesus store to show you just how well-stocked they were? Well, here you go....

Sick of your breath mints not giving you that extra spiritual edge you need for the day? Well, look no further. Direct from the crazy Jesus store - Testamints! Oh. My. God. They've Jesusized candy! We were on line to buy those fucking pamphlets when I spotted these impulse buys near the register - and let me tell you, the restraint I had to instill on myself to resist falling to the ground in a heap of insane laughter like the world has never seen was unbelievable. Alison unfortunately, didn't have the same restraint. I pointed out this holy candy to her, only to have her scream 'Testamints?!' louder than one of God's trademark thunderclaps, followed by a round of laughing that lasted from the time I pointed them out till the time she dropped me off back home.

Jesus fucking Christ.

- Matt