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I Am Never Leaving The House Again.
Matt - 06/15/00

I swear to God, I'm never leaving the house again. Everytime I do, something awful happens. Between finding rancid cans of Spaghettios, to lucid Jesus stores, to awful t-shirts on a search for snowcones, it seems like I'm absolutely cursed.

Yesterday was no different, and this was by far the worst experience yet. I swear to God that one of you out there are setting these things up so that I have to go through all these tests of humanity, but I give up. This one was just too much.

The Tiffstigator and I had decided to cross the bridge into Jersey to seek out an old arcade that had the original Star Wars game. I loved that game as a kid, so I figured it'd be cool to play it and take pics of it firsthand for an article about the game.

So, we're driving along the Garden State, found our exit, and were getting pretty close to the arcade. That is, until we noticed something...odd.

Now, we pull over...and just look to each other in a state of shock. This couldn't be what it looks like, could it? Could a fucking monkey be sitting on the side of the road? We really didn't know what to make of this. I mean, I've seen deers and squirrels and stuff...but monkeys? Nah...couldn't be.

But take a look at the picture be the judge. Was a monkey really sitting on the side of the road?

You know, it really does look like a monkey, doesn't it? WTF? How could this be? How could a god damned ape be sitting on the side of the road in the middle of Jersey? We brushed it off...this was just one of those things that nobody could explain. Either it was a statue, a racoon, or whatever. Surely, it wasn't a monkey. We were certain of that.

Fine. So we keep driving...a little shocked, but we still had our wits about us. For about a minute. What happened after that, you ask? The Invasion.

For those of you who are having trouble understanding what's going on - that's a fucking monkey walking on top of the Tiffstigator's windshield. Guys, this isn't some fancy Photoshop trick - that's a real live monkey on top of the car.

Okay, so now you're saying to yourself...'Big deal! Someone's pet monkey probably just escaped.' See, that's what we were thinking too. Simple way to explain things, really. Some poor schmuck lost his illegal pet monkey, and as fate would have it, it ended up on top of Tiff's car.

No. This wasn't one lone monkey curiously walking around the parkway. No, friends, this was something...far worse. This army....

What the fuck is going on?! There were fucking monkeys everywhere! Why does this shit always happen to me...and more do you explain it? There were about six cars and a bus stopped dead in their tracks by a god damned legion of simians.

You try to figure this out. All I wanted to do is go to the arcade and play Star Wars. But no, my plans were derailed. Derailed by monkeys.

The things were fucking chewing on the Tiffstigator's windshield wiper! Look, all I know is that I'm not making this up. We're driving, and we're attacked by at least 30 baboons. It happened. The pictures don't lie. Obviously, we never made it to the arcade. We were lucky to make it back home alive...these weren't your everyday friendly monkeys. Truly, out of all the apes I've come across, these had the worst disposition. They were downright nasty.

So, basically, that's it. I'm afraid to leave my fucking house. Seriously, once you get randomly attacked by a herd of dozens of monkeys, you kinda lose faith in the world. If anyone needs me, I'll be under my bed with a flashlight and a package of Twizzlers, trying desperately to figure out one of life's most heinous mysteries...

- Matt