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Admiral Ackbar: Our Last Hope?
Matt - 06/23/00

Heroes are few and far between these days. Our children have nobody to look up to. No model of purity and justice to mold themselves after. That's why you must nurture them into Star Wars fans. Not because they'll enjoy the breathing apparatus of Darth Vader, or the pretty lightsabers...but because it might be the source of our society's last true hero...


Just looking at his face makes me want to go out and kill all those bastard Germans. He is the fucking icon folks. Some of you might be unfamiliar with our dear Ackbar. He appeared in Return of the Jedi to help guide the Rebel fleet against the grave perils of the second Death Star. But more importantly - he was a squid who spoke more profoundly than anyone else in the universe. Here's why Ackbar was so great...

* The most important thing to note is that Ackbar is the greatest thing ever if you're watching the movie with someone who's never actually seen it before. Now, there's a ton of weird aliens in Star Wars, but nothing can prepare someone for the debut of Admiral Ackbar. Every time I devirginize someone to Return of the Jedi, they nearly fall out of their seat when this bumbling squid waltzes in front of the Rebel fleet and starts talking like a guy who should be doing drug counseling.

* Admiral Ackbar might be near the top of the food chain of the Rebel Alliance - but he's still a squid. What's even better is that he's a squid in a sailor outfit. The mere fact that the Rebels answered to this guy as a powerful leader is beauty in itself.

* Admiral Ackbar's Chair of Doom. Not only was he a high-ranking official, he also had a kickass chair. Everybody on the ship is running around looking for folding chairs...meanwhile Ackbar's sitting in something that is usually reserved for royalty.

* Admiral Ackbar thinks he's cute. Notice how when he says 'may the Force be with us', he appears to be winking to the camera? Admiral tried to get over with the fans by using that old Mr. Roper trick! And it worked!

If you've never heard the poetry that pours from Admiral Ackbar's mouth like Romulan Ale...check this audio clip out..

Admiral Ackbar's star line was 'It's a trap'. It's also the most redundant line in all of Star Wars lore. The ships are preparing to strike the Death Star, when all of the sudden 2,000 ships and about 20,000 Star Destroyers appear out of nowhere, ripping them to shreds. Instead of thinking up a quick plan, Admiral Ackbar states the obvious.

The True Reason For This Post: Admiral Ackbar isn't just a hero to all - he was the inspiration for the jazziest fucking song in history...

Mon Mothma might have been a picture of demurity in the Star Wars universe - but when she wanted to get down with her badself - she pulled no punches! While downloading the MP3, I want you to go fix yourself a martini, go easy with the olive juice, and prepare to be cultured! It's also chock full of Ackbar's amazing words of wisdom. All in all, it's a song that'll make you want to wear cool shades and kick Imperial ass. It's an absolute must-have...

Admiral Ackbar, Please! Click HERE To Download!

Other Notes About Ackbar -

* The Admiral was part of the species known as the Mon Calamari. Calamari! George Lucas can be creative and trite all at the same time when he wants to be. This also explains some of the other less-thoughtful names found in the Star Wars universe - Squid Face, Prune Face, Yak Face, Stupid Face, and so on.

* Admiral Ackbar can be seen at the end of the movie dancing with Ewoks. Oddly, this is the last time Ackbar would ever make an on-screen appearance. It's not like the poor guy could've applied for a supporting role in Shaft or anything. So, the last time you ever see Ackbar is when he's dancing around with this little monkey guy. Kind of ironic after his superiority in space.

* Looked at from the right angle, his head appears to be a giant dick with a rash.

All in all, Admiral Ackbar is a hero. A paragon of virtue. A gentleman. Enjoy him. Cherish him. Just don't make fun of his weird bulging eyes. He's a sensitive squid.


- Matt
AOL IM - xecharchar