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The Quest For Bulbasaur! Part I
Matt - 06/27/00


For those of you who were wondering where I've been these past few days - this post should explain it. Other than that, I've been completely sick. I've got a 102 temperature and a sunburn. A fucking sunburn! First time I see daylight in a year, and this is what happens. Anyway, I want to thank Liquorhead for holding down the fort here...even though he went against everything that's sacred and bashed our beloved Transformers. He'll pay for his crimes. Oh yes.

Anyway, despite being completely ill, here's where I've been...


Bulbasaur. In my infinite stupidity, a few weeks back I decided that it'd be a good idea to pick up the Pokemon movie on DVD. What I didn't realize at the time was that I'd end up falling in love with this Bulbasaur dude.

So, as with anything else I love, it must climax into material posessions. In other words, I had to have a Bulbasaur doll. Now, while going to any old toy store and picking one up for a few bucks might seem like the novel way to go about it to most of you out there - remember that I like to make my life as difficult as I possibly can.

So my friend Alison, whom you know from the Jesus store expose article, and I decide to take off to Wildwood, NJ. It's another one of those beach/boardwalk communities - only this one is the biggest in the area and definitely has the biggest share of strange characters on the east coast.

That's our hotel, The Heart of Wildwood. It wasn't really much, but some of the hotels down there are really awful. For instance, at the Carnival hotel, you have to pay a 7.00 surcharge if you want a room that didn't smell like urine. The Heart of Wildwood ain't no Hilton, but it suited our Bulbasaur-hunting perfectly...

We immediately hit the boardwalk, which is a solid two-and-a-half miles of pure white trash & debauchery. Here's some tidbits on our quest to find that cute little Pokemon doll...

I kept insisting that Bulbasaur was 'sugar and spice', so we decided to check the candy store. While there was no sign of Bulby, my heart skipped a beat when I came across one of the greatest inventions of all time - the licorice pipe! Finally, a way to look chic without damaging your lungs! I bought about 300 of them....

The candy store owner was really happy to see us. I'm such a bastard. We told the poor girl we were doing a newspaper article on the best candy stores in the tri-state area, and we'd love to have her picture for the featurette. She was more than happy to oblige, thinking she'd end up on the cover of Candy Weekly or whatever the fuck kinda magazines are devoted to candy. On the plus side, she gave us this really great blueberry licorice, free of charge. I'm telling you...you wave around a camera and start citing your journalism, and people treat you like some sort of Imperial royalty. I'm half crocked on the boardwalk chewing on a licorice pipe that I've yet to remove from it's wrapper, and still this girl was under the impression I was somebody important.

But while we got free candy, we still didn't have Bulbasaur...the adventure continued...

It became pretty obvious that if we wanted some information, we were going to have to talk to Wildwood's mayor - Fat Daddy. No, I'm not making that name up. Look at his shirt. Fat Daddy fucking rocked. He had no idea who Bulbasaur was, but he offered up all sorts of other gems...

'If you win this game, you make Fat Daddy proud.'
'Spin the wheel and win some candy, friends.'
'Sure, you can take a picture of me. Just let me make sure my hand is in my crotch.'

I wish I was kidding, but that's how Fat Daddy talked. Besides all that, look at his head! I'm convinced that Fat Daddy is the coolest person alive.

Since we were having very little luck finding Bulbasaur, we decided to take a little break and check out the rides...

The Great White: The Great White is the largest wooden coaster 'on the east and west coasts'. So I'm presuming there's a larger one somewhere in the middle of the country, but still...it's a great ride. The best part is that there's this camera that takes a picture of you while you're going down that first giant hill....so after the ride's finished and you feel all proud that you braved it, you can have your esteem shot to shit by seeing the stupid face you made on the video monitor.

Curse of the Mummy In 3-D: See that M&M vending machine on the outside? That's about six times more interesting than what's going on inside the ride. They give you these 3-D glasses and set you off to walk around a short hall with walls covered in flourescent paint. They're supposed to stick out at you, but the 3-D glasses are really only successful at making you appear like an idiot. They didn't make the paint seem any more lifelike. This was bar none one of the dumbest rides I've ever been on, but at least I managed to swipe the 3-D glasses. Muahahahaha.

Castle Dracula: I love this ride. Understand that I've been to this crazy Wildwood place every year since I was born, and the only real constant has been the fact that they'll always be some teenagers dressed in silly horror makeup trying desperately not to laugh working for this ride. You can either walk through it or go on the boat ride. The boat deal is probably a little scarier, but you'll miss out on your chance to see a 17 year old dressed like Dracula get the guillotine.

Then it was off to the arcade. There's plenty of them in Wildwood...but while most people are looking for the latest incarnation of Mortal Kombat or whatever, I'm always looking for the classics...

It was great to see these games still on display... Ms. Pac-Man! For all we know, Ms. Pac-Man could've simply been a transvestite version of the original. It's not like she had tits or even smelled all that good. She just wore a bow. I can wear bows too, it doesn't prove anything.

Galaga! Poor Galaga. I really doubted anyone had actually played this one in the past decade, so I threw in my quarter and gave it a try. It stood the test of time. :) It's still a great game in my book...

Lethal Enforcers... Remember this one? It was really big several years back...a shoot 'em up game that used live-action sequences. The only thing I can firmly remember about this game is that old guy who kept telling you to practice by shooting beer bottles. I never understood. Oh well...

Alison and I realized we were getting way off track. There was a mission at hand, and we had to find Bulbasaur...

We had to...

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