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Celebrites Speak Out On Cheerios!
Matt - 07/06/00

Remember what happened the last time I tried to post at 6 AM? Darth Vader and Cobra Commander went to court over who represented the better candybar. Likewise, this article is not going to be pretty. It's gonna be very stupid, very inane, very X-E.

Anyway, I got to thinking about Cheerios. I've got no idea why...I don't eat breakfast, and if I did, I'd eat Count Chocula. But Cheerios is a fascinating subject. They've got all these different kinds of Cheerios. So what's the best one?

Personally, I'd go with Apple Cinnamon. It's got these chunks of what I guess is supposed to be dried apple on them...but knowing General Mills, it's probably rat feet. Still, it's tastier than George Jefferson in a Rocky Horror outfit.

But I wanted to be sure of the best variety of Cheerios - so I went out and got the opinions of the only people we can really trust....celebrities!

While I was talking to Samuel L. Jackson, I couldn't help but notice he had an affinity for changing outfits during the interview. I swear, he must've gone through at least six outfits by the time I was done asking him four measely questions. On the plus side, I found him to be really cheerful, almost sassy but with a lot of class. He's a devout fan on Honey Nut Cheerios....check out what he had to say...

X-E: So's great to have you here. I loved you in The Grifters...

Samuel: Ay, I wasn't in that there movie, 'thucka! Do some of that research, fo'!

X-E: Yes you were, and stop talking like that.

Samuel: Fine. Anyways, I like Honey Nut Cheerios.

X-E: Why?

Samuel: Honey, cuz that's what I call the mail lady. Nut, cuz I've got two of them. Cheerios, because they be fortified with eight essential vitamins and minerals. Besides all dat, lookie this box color. Regular Cheerios is plain ol' yellow. Multi-grain and Apple Cinnamon? Boring white. But this? This be that shit from Jurassic Park. Hey, what's yo' favorite Cheerios?

X-E: Apple Cinnamon.

Samuel: What?

X-E: Honey Nut!

Samuel: Yeah, now that's better. Anyways, you got anything else you gonna go and ask me before I get the hell on outta here?

X-E: Yep! What was your expression like when you first tasted the sweet honey goodness of Honey Nut Cheerios?

Samuel: I was like...'damn! This shit's good eatin'!' Then I got some string and made mahself a necklace out of the Cheerios. And I think it was good luck, because that was the day I decided to turn down a role as 'Itchy' in Dick Tracy. Dat be a career killer. These Cheerios made me smart and shit.

X-E: Cool. And what about your new modeling career? Can you tell us about that?

Samuel: Modelin' career? What modelin' career? I don't have no modelin' career, fool.

X-E: Then how do you explain...this picture?

Samuel: That ain't me, sucka.

X-E: Oh. Alright, well, thanks for your time.

Samuel: Das right. Till all are one, my man. Till all are one.

In from there, I sought out the expertise of music star Fiona Apple. I thought she'd go with Apple Cinnamon Cheerios for a cute play on her name, but instead she did something she never could quite ::coughToricough:: do in music, and went for the original...

X-E: Fiona! Thanks for joining us!

Fiona: This is bullshit.

X-E: So, you like the original whole grain goodness of Cheerios the best, huh?

Fiona: What does it matter? Cheerios is bullshit. This world is bullshit. Everything is bullshit. I have a forum to say something tonight, and someone told me once if I had that chance, I should make something of it. So here it goes. This world is bullshit, and I'm sorry Cheerios had to be a part of this world.

X-E: What the fuck are you talking about?!

Fiona: I'm saying that it's bullshit for me to be here for this stupid bullshit interview.

X-E: But you agreed to come! It was your decision.

Fiona: Nuh uh, don't you start that. You're not going to make me look like a fool, that's bullshit. I only came here to tell the world how much bullshit is in it.

X-E: So, you like Cheerios?

Fiona: If I decide to start eating again in the next few years, Cheerios will be the first thing down my throat. And that's no bullshit.

X-E: Okay, thank you Fiona...

I was starting to feel a little...uneasy. First, Sammy threw a gun in my face after I told him I was a little more into the Apple Cinnamon...and then Fiona drones on and on about bull feces. I decided that the final person I asked had to be non-threatening...almost cherubic in nature. Well, the answer there was obvious...Nien Nunb!

X-E: So Nien Nunb...heard you're a cereal fan. What's your favorite type of Cheerios?

Nien Nunb: Ehhh bleh bleh eh bleh!

X-E: Shit.

That didn't work out as well as I had hoped, so I made a last ditch attempt to see if any of the Golden Girls would take me up on this interview offer. Luckily, Betty White hasn't done anything but sleep and shit since Lake Placid, so she was more than happy for a little attention...

X-E: I'm tired Betty, let's get this over with. Cheerios...favorite kind?

Betty: This reminds me of something that happened way back in St. Olaf during the annual cheese fair of 1973. Gertrude Ginkelhaughen, the town's biggest pusher for imported cheese, was going on one of her campaigns, as usual, about how St. Olaf should try out some of the other towns' cheeses, and stop being so patriotic about their own. Anyway, as luck would have it, Edna Engelfricken, our town librarian, told everyone that no cheese was actually made in St. all came from out of town! So, at that cheese fair, and every one since, everyone in St. Olaf enjoyed cheese not just from their family and friends - but from the entire state.

Samuel: You mother fucker.

X-E: Yeah, I'm with Sam on this, Betty. It's 5 AM, everybody's tired. All I wanted was a two-word answer.

Betty: A two word answer! It's funny you should mention that! Back in St. Olaf, the most popular local game show was called The Two-Word Answer! Ingrid Gehrugenfleurgen, who was Dentist McKingeflingen's secretary, was the first winner on the show. They'd give you a multiple choice question, and each of the answers had a different number of words. Ingrid was the first to realize that only the choices with two words were correct. After that, competition was much more fierce. Anyway, speaking of the devil, Ingrid won a box of Cheerios...Multi-Grain Cheerios. So, in honor of Ingrid and of my waning bowel movements, I'm going to go with Multi-Grain too.

Fiona: Now that is bullshit.

X-E: I agree. That was complete bullshit. I'm going to sleep.

- Matt