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The 14 Lost Pages Of The Necronomicon! He-Man!
Matt - 07/07/00


Some things are just too god awful for words. Wait, scratch that. Some things are so god awful that I plan to sit here, scrambling for words to describe just how bad they are. That's what we've got tonight, folks: something god awful.

Now, He-Man & The Masters of the Universe wasn't going to win any awards for smartening up kids...it was more or less a pretty dumb show. They were supposed to have all these moral lessons for the kids to pick up on, but unfortunately, my shoe could do a better job teaching kids between right and wrong.

But, let's toss that all aside. He-Man was a fun cartoon. Unfortunately, when you throw him and his assorted band of miscreints into a comic literature they can't fully comprehend, the end result is just about the worst thing you'll ever lay eyes on. I'm telling you...it doesn't matter if you're a He-Man fan or not...this comic will takes you places you have never been...and will never be again.

With that, I present to you...in fourteen pages of X-E glory...

Masters of the Universe: The DC Comic!!!

Wow, how fucking epic. The cover really sets the stage for the unbridled amount of bullshit we're all about to be subjected to.

There's a few things we should pick up right off the bat...

* Beast Man, the orange guy, is there to offer Skeletor nothing more than moral support. Skeletor's about to be annihilated by every citizen of Eternia who chooses to dress like an idiot, and Beast Man's just standing there waving his arms around like this was some alien basketball game.

* Man-At-Arms always get the shaft. He gets the be the fool that carries the flag. Why? Because nobody believes the schmo could do anything worthwhile in battle. I mean seriously...the only thing I ever picked up from Man-At-Arms was that he was old and stole a helmet from Tron. His one redeemable quality is that his fiery old bastard loins paved the way for that piece of ass Teela to be born.

* As stated at the bottom, Skeletor has mystic powers. Yet, he decides to go into battle head on wielding nothing but a plastic sword and a lot of heart. What a fucking man.

It'll be interesting to see how these elements come into play later...

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