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Have Candy Makers Gone Too Far?
Matt - 07/08/00

Those of us who love the sweet, wholesome goodness of caramelized syrup artificially colored to fit our wildest fantasies, candy is a godsend. From Snickers to Fun Dip, our choices are unlimited. But I think we've all been a little overindulgent.

See, if we keep our candy intake in check, not only will boys still be able to look down and actually see what makes them boys, but the candy companies won't go fucking insane. We've erred, my friend. We let these capitalist conglomerates know that we'll eat anything remotely colorful or bad for us - so they've really let loose. Candy is no longer a thing of pride and justice - it's an industry gone awry by LSD-promoting chefs who have nothing better to do but create some of the strangest candies on the planet.

Let's take a look at some of the evidence...

Bologna Bubble Gum -- I'm not sure how something like this comes into existence. I guess whomever made it thought you could be really clever with your friends...

Joe: Hey...wanna piece of...gum? ::snicker::

Mike: Why yes, I'd love a piece of gum.

Joe: Here ya go! ::Joe sneakily hands Mike the package of Bologna gum.::

Mike: this supposed to be funny?

Joe: Yeah! It looks like bologna...but it's gum!!!

Mike: You're an asshole.

Joe: No I'm not...I'm clever!

Mike: Dude...filling out the Columbia House form in someone else's handwriting and then telling them someone pulled a prank on you when they ask for the CD money is clever. This is just lame.

Joe: Oh. Well...could I have the bologna gum back?

Mike: Well, that depends. Do you want to continue looking like an asshole, or do you want to move to the next plateau?

Joe: ::sighs:: Point taken. Can it.

And there you have it. People who buy bologna gum are the kinda people who think 'honk if you're horny' would make for a great bumper sticker. Next...

Bubble Gum Dispenser: Someone needs to explain to the candy makers that people like to chew gum...not use it to make cute plays on office supplies. Yeah yeah, I know, this is meant for the kiddies. But if I had children, I wouldn't want them growing up to think the corporate world was full of sweet, chewy candy. I'd just be setting them up for dissapointment.

With 5 as the total possible score, I give the Bubble Gum Dispenser 4 kicks to the nuts.

INSECTNSIDE!!!: Oh, my prayers have been answered. I've always wondered if a dead scorpion would taste good if someone would just sweeten up the damn thing...and thus we have...InsectNSide! Toffee flavored 'amber', with a real scorpion inside for you to eat!

Now, I'm sure that everyone who bought one of this did so just for fun...but I was really curious as to what a scorpion actually tastes like. So I asked my good pal, Mr. T. Click here to find out what Mr. T feels scorpion meat tastes like.

Pop Gum: But first, a question. Do you like sex? Good. Do you like coloring books? Cool. Now, would you try to color a happy frog in while you're getting a blowjob? Of course not. And that's exactly why this candy is fucking stupid - who wants their gum to taste like popcorn? There's some things you just don't mix.

As an experiment, I tried chewing gum and eating popcorn at the same time. I pondered the eternal question for a the tastes compliment each other? Well, the gum ended up being spat on my computer screen, so I guess we can take that as a no.

Coming soon from the creators of Pop Gum: Steak flavored soda!

Switch Pops: As if cartoons and video games weren't making society's children bash each other's brains in enough, Switch Pops will make sure they can handle a lethal weapon with ease. You've gotta wonder how good of an idea it is to give a kid candy based on a switchblade. 'Here show me you know how to handle this, and in a few years I'll get you a face slicer of your very own!' Brilliant.

Chewola Bubble Gum: Along the same lines as Switch Pops, but even worse because real crayons are easily accessible. First, give your kid some crayon gum. Eventually they'll run out and seek refuge from the candy shortage right from their Crayola boxes.

I wonder how many times a kid switched the gum with real crayons and got some idiot child to eat them. I know I'd do that. Hell, when I was 7 I had these X-Ray specs, which I used to lure my friend into stepping into a pile of dog shit by telling him he needed to look up and walk around the neighbor's front lawn to get them to work. I wish I had crayon gum in my day. My scorecard would've been that much higher.

In closing - candy is out of control. Long gone are the days where the impulse buy shelf at the local grocery store was stocked with mere chocolate and Jolly everything else, candy has technology. Well I for one take a stand. There's some things you just should mess with. Candy makers...I beg you. Leave the candy alone.

- Matt

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