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Star Wars Meets....Burger King?
Matt - 07/10/00

There seems to be more criminal activity going on in the Star Wars Universe than I originally thought. Our repeated coverage of the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special had flooded my e-mail box with thousands upon thousands of death threats for making people sit through it. Hey, I warned you.

But besides that, we've covered the Ewok movies...again, some people liked them, some people thought they were meant to serve as punishment for those of us who wouldn't give up on our Star Wars fandom after the original trilogy.

Then we talked about that awful...that excruciatingly awful Sesame Street/Star Wars tie-in featuring the Droids.

Today, I've uncovered yet another piece of forgotten Star Wars history. I swear, everyday I find something new. And nobody seems to want to talk about it. It's a big Lucas conspiracy. He's hoping that nobody realizes that his poor creations have been shilled left and right in some of the worst ways possible over the years. It's our job to enlighten you...

Ever wonder what would happen if our beloved Star Wars characters went to Burger King? Well, back in 1977, high off the heels of their mega success, they did just that. Not exactly, though. They went to the ghetto version of Burger King, a now-defunct fast food chain known as...Burger Chef!

It's unfortunate that the Droids always got the shaft when it came to Star Wars promotion. Mark Hamill, who's career highlight past Star Wars was serving as the voice of the Joker on the Batman animated series, got to do all the real interviews with Carrie and Harrison. Hell, even Alec Guiness, who absolutely loathes Star Wars, has gotten more respectful airtime than the Droids. No, C-3P0 and R2-D2 didn't get to do any fun interviews - they got stuck doing lameass commercials for Burger Chef.

Note the blatant Coca Cola advertising in the picture above - as if to say, 'you go to Burger Chef, you ain't drinkin' nothing but Coke!'. Seems a bit monopolistic, but that's okay, since I hate Pepsi.

The story: This commercial promoted the free giveaway Star Wars posters available only at Burger Chef. C-3P0 and R2-D2 decide that they must have one of these posters. After all, they're absolutely free with any purchase. Course, there's not much there for two Droids to buy, but wasting a buck twenty seemed like a small price to pay for such an illustrious addition to their bedroom wall.

The problem: R2 and 3P0 aren't the only ones who want to cash in on this free poster opportunity! Even Darth Vader, who controls armies much vaster than Burger Chef could ever dream of, took the time out of his busy schedule to drop by Burger Chef in the hopes to get himself a nifty poster for his meditation chamber. Could you imagine Vader trying to explain to the Emperor why he's a little behind on finding the Rebel's secret base?

Emperor: I sense a great disturbance in your efforts, Lord Vader.

Vader: Damn right! I got mahself a poster!

Emperor: A poster, you say? You mean...a map, as in, a map to the Rebel's secret hidden base?

Vader: No, massa! A poster! Look, it's got Chewy doing his action pose!

Emperor: Hm.

Anyways, Vader and his stormtroopers weren't the only ones with decorations on the brain...

Seems like anyone who'd been remotely close to Tatooine decided to drop by Burger Chef to see what all the fuss was about. Jawas, Tusken Raiders, everyone!

R2 and 3P0 voiced their concern...were they still going to get their posters? This is an important lesson for us all - don't talk about your plans on live television. Somebody might beat you to the punch.

Ah! All is well! The Droids not only got their poster - they got the Droids poster! And that's a good thing - since in the Star Wars universe, they seem to have just about every medium of technology possible - except photography! Hell, you could watch Darth Vader do the Irish jig over your neat little holographic projector, but heaven forbid you actually get a picture of him. Burger Chef really came through with the goods here.

Now, the bad part: George Lucas may have had millions upon millions of dollars to make his work seem as legitimate as possible....Burger Chef...did not. This commercial wasn't filmed in a Burger Chef restaurant, but rather at a Burger Chef within a food court of some mall. With that, you'd see hecklers off to the side pointing and laughing at our costumed heroes, while others simply gawked straight at the cameras. But perhaps the best part is when you'll notice a Tusken Raider without his mask standing idly by in the distance.

Either Burger Chef thought we'd be so memorized by the sheer beauty of their cheap posters that we wouldn't notice such oversights, or this is just another case of the forbidden realm of media George Lucas wants you to forget!

- Matt