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Pepsi Feeds Off Public Ignorance To Promote Stupid Beverage
Presented by Matt on 04/09/00

Marketing flops are a dime a dozen in this day and age. Bad ideas are spewed forth from left and right, leaving us to question just how stupid some people could be. We've seen some television shows, movies, even cereals, right here on this site that should never have come into existence. But we haven't tackled the big one - the single worst idea in history.

Crystal Pepsi.

Pepsi Co., one of the largest corporations on the face of the Earth, made a crucial error in thinking the buying public was entirely made up of stupid idiots without working tastebuds. Crystal Pepsi not only had the distinction of being the worst mainstream carbonated beverage in soda's storied history, it also had a premise so laughable that even the morons who thought Hansen's Energy Drink was a real coup shared a good laugh over it.

So what was Crystal Pepsi?

In theory, Crystal Pepsi was simply regular Pepsi, clear. It was SUPPOSED to taste the same, which already gives you an idea as to how stupid this idea really was. Would you start buying twice the potato chips if they started tinging them with blue food color? Of course not.

But in reality, Crystal Pepsi did NOT taste like Pepsi. It tasted like 7-UP left open in the backseat of a car for a week. This idea was sheer fucking genius. Repackage stale 7-UP and hock it as 'special' Pepsi. Were the masses fooled? Yeah, for about twelve hours. Crystal Pepsi's storied history lasted all of a month before people started calling foul. Even Pepsi sponsor Ray Charles was overheard saying - 'I may be blind, but I can still fucking taste.'.

So what did you get when you purchased Crystal Pepsi? Flat 7-UP. But since it came in bottle with a cool new Pespi logo, maybe the company felt the horrid taste was avenged. We disagree.

I actually failed the taste test when this thing came out. A friend and I walked to the store to try out this new mystery cola, and we brought it back to his house. I was blindfolded and had to taste both regular and Crystal Pepsi. I got it wrong. Problem was, the regular Pepsi I tasted was an open can left out the night before on the kitchen counter. So yeah, Crystal Pepsi may have fooled you, especially if the other choice was rancid cola.

Despite the nonsense and ridiculously short history of the drink, Crystal Pepsi had it's fair share of ridiculous marketing tie-ins...

Nothing like a Crystal Pepsi wall clock to scream 'class'. Now you could make sure that your Crystal Pepsi drinking times were right on schedule. This promo piece was popular among trailer parks and cheap Atlantic City off-street hotel rooms. Pepsi felt this clock was better than all other clocks due to the different color scheme of the wood and white face front. They felt it made up for the non-working motors.

Also, a sure way to get girls at the beach was to bring along this classic Crystal Pepsi pool float. Cleverly shaped like a Crystal Pepsi bottle and about 2" thick, it was apparently made only for the floatation of bottles of soda, as anyone who'd try to use this thing as a raft would soon find that they were about 85 times too heavy to be sustained. Those seen with this one poolside were usually the same people sporting 'Party in my pants' swim trunks.

Conveniently, Pepsi Co. left the arrival and demise of Crystal Pepsi off their website's history section, despite putting in every minor nuance from George Foreman commercials to the date in which Wild Cherry Pepsi got it's name. Is Pepsi trying to hide something? Do we detect a cover-up? You be the judge.

Coming soon from Pepsi Co -- Double Pepsi, where two seperate vats of Pepsi are used to make one can. The taste will be the same, but by doubling each of the ingredients, it'll be a super soda!

- Matt