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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ....and Vanilla Ice!
Matt - 07/14/00


The creators Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 sought to do what no one else could - turn little boys into Vanilla Ice fans. Already, we've established a problem. The kinda kids who wanted to see TMNT 2 were the kinda kids who ripped up their female classmates' teeny bopper pin-ups.

The inclusion of Vanilla Ice into an already inane plot really makes this movie a good flick to create a drinking game for. For instance, every time Shredder displays his villainy by shaking like a guy with Tourette's? Two sips. Everytime Donatello talks and you wonder when Corey Haim's gonna break in the room and suggest they go crusin' for chicks, three swigs. It's by no means your normal, everyday Ninja Turtle movie. Before we get to the focus of this article, which exposes Vanilla Ice as the true villain, let's explore the majesty that is the Turtles' first sequel...


Now, when the first Turtles movie came out, TMNT was my life. If my house was on fire and my parents were trapped in the shower together, I'd make sure my Baxter Stockman figure was safe before even considering them. But by the time the second movie came out, it was more of a novelty than anything else. An excuse for me and two friends to feel cool going to the movies by ourselves. Not that we didn't love the Turtles, we did, but by this point we were way more prone to laugh at something in the movie if it was stupid rather than herald it as the wittiest thing we've ever seen.

Extremely Short & Painful Plot Synopsis: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze finds our four favorite sewer-dwellers in search of a new place to call home. Along the way they once again run into the nefarious Foot Clan and their insidious leader, the Shredder. With the help of April O'Neil, Professor Jordan Perry and pizza delivery boy Keno, the Turtles manage to prevent Shredder from unleashing the mutating formula Mutagen and the monstrous creatures that it creates (Tokka and Rahzar) upon the denizens of New York City.

Now, reading that doesn't sound like much, but you've got to understand a few things...

* Professor Jordan Perry was played by that evil henchman guy from The Titanic. You've gotta figure that he gets a really bittersweet feeling whenever he looks at his resume. On one side, he was a big part of the most successful movie in history. On the other side, he co-starred in Secret of the Ooze. The guy's name is David Warner, and one would imagine his future acting job interviews would go something like this...

Some Guy: So, I see you were in The Titanic! Mighty impressive.

David: Yes, I had a lovely time. Biggest grossing motion picture of all time y'know...

Some Guy: So what other films were you in?

David: ::sweating:: Uh.. Uh... No...uh...no other films, why do you ask?

Some Guy: Your resume clearly states you were in two films.

David: That uh..that uh must be a...uh typo...

Some Guy: There's no typo. Come on, out with it.

David: IT WAS TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2, GOD DAMMIT! HAPPY NOW?! FUCKING CHRIST, ONE MISTAKE AND I'M MARKED FOR LIFE!

It's no wonder he looked so pissed off in the Titanic.

* Shredder creates some monster goons using his rare, experimental mutagen. Now, the inclusion of mutagen in this flick was something my friends and I looked forward to. Mutagen played a big part in the cartoon, and besides, it was neon pink. But our excitement came to a screeching halt when we saw the lame monsters provided to us...

Tokka and Rahzar! Any fleeting hope we had for two badass monster villains dissapated before our eyes as these two came into camera view. Number one, they were babies before they were mutated, so they were babies afterwards. With that, all they seemed able to do was babble incoherently while Shredder made pissy faces to the kidnapped professor. Secondly, while the Turtle costumes used were pretty realistic, these were not. In third grade I had an Alf costume, and I was about 40 times more convincing as an alien freak than Rahzar was. It's interesting how mutagen makes one's eyes stay open and completely still, regardless of whether the person's sleeping, getting punched, or crying over the poor lines scripted for him.

* April O'Neil. Your eyes don't deceive you, my friends. April O'Neil went from the classic yellow-suited redhead to the altogether different brunette between films 1 and 2 - and we're the only ones who notice. It boggles me. Are the turtles blind? This is clearly not the same woman who did the nasty with Casey Jones in the first flick. This April was more of a debutant, and she had about as much personality as the lighter on the table next to me. Alright, I'm being a little harsh. This April wasn't too bad. But still, didn't anyone realize this wasn't April? To better understand this, I did a little research on turtles...

Turtles are reptiles. When you hear the word turtle, you probably think of the shell. The top part is called the carapace and the bottom part the plastron. Other turtle features are dry scaly skin, a sharp-edged beak instead of teeth, good eyesight and hearing, and leathery-shelled eggs which they bury in sand.

A ha! Good eyesight! There goes that excuse. I guess this is one of those deals where none of the Turtles want to admit they were abandoned, so they adopt the first poor soul who'll hang out with them and christen her the new 'April'.

Super Shredder: Shredder, disgusted over all his plans being foiled at the end of the movie, drinks all the mutagen and turns into Super Shredder. A few points about Super Shredder:

- Apparently, drinking mutagen not only changes your physicality, but your nationality as well. Shredder was Japanese. Super-Shredder was an all-American, played by none other than supervixen pro-wrestler, Kevin Nash.

- Not only that, but mutagen mutates your outfit. Shredder's metal outfit became sharper, his knife-like helmet spikes became longer...and if I'm not mistaken, his ridiculous purple cape went from vinyl to velvet in 30 seconds flat.

- A Super-Shredder is a Super-Shredder in name only. While it took the Turtles well over an hour to defeat the original Shredder, it took them about 12 seconds to kill off Super-Shredder, thus ending two popular myths: bigger is better, and this movie makes sense.

* Keno. Keno was the Turtles' young ninja friend. Unfortunately, he's named after one of Atlantic City's least popular games. 'Nuff said.

VANILLA ICE!

Oh god yes! As if things couldn't get weirder, the Turtles and the baddies fight their way right into the middle of a Vanilla Ice concert. It's at this point that I found staring at the fat guy's peculiar head tumor in front of us to be a far more rewarding experience. The fact that Vanilla Ice was brought into the mix wasn't bad enough, oh no. They went right for our fucking throats and had him do an 'impromptu' Ninja Rap...here's the classic lyrics...

YO! Itís the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without beiní seen
Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down? -- Slamminí Jamminí to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody letís move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know Iím not playiní -- Devistate the show while the turtles are sayin:

Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
GO GO GO GO

Lyrics, fill in the gap -- Drop that bass and get the NINJA RAP
Feel it, if you know what I mean -- Give it up for those heroes in green
Just flowin, smooth with the power -- Kickiní it up, hour after hour
Cause in this life thereís only one winner -- You better aim good so you can hit the center
In it to win it, with a team of four -- Ninja Turtles that you gotta adore itís the:

Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
GO GO GO GO

Villians, you better run and hide -- Because one day you might not slide
Choose your weapon but donít slip -- Vanillaís in control with the flex of the mic grip
Rockiní the crowd the way it should be rocked -- With the Miami drop that you like alot
Hittin like a Ninja Turtle when the bass kicks in -- You better check your level
The power of the Ninja is strong -- Fightiní all the crooks until theyíre all out cold


After seeing this, I could no longer exploit my Turtles obsession as a means to promote my masculinity to friends. It's no wonder I ended up being such a sissyboy. But reading it is one thing, listening to it is another. Click here to hear it! This god-awful song is 2.5 megabytes of memory you'll never get back, so be forewarned.

I'm being harsh though - if you like TMNT, you'll like this. I do. However, if you don't, watching it might be a bit dangerous. And stay the fuck away from the 3rd movie. Watching that could be used as a new way to implement the death penalty.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com