Cereals you never knew existed....
Presented by Matt on 04/05/00
The only true way to kick off this site is to do a post about cereal. It's how we start the day, and fuck, it's how we start a website.
Cereal has played a huge part in my life, personally. There was a mystique about it throughout my childhood...do I cornform to the 'cool' cereals of the moment, and bring the worthless premiums to school with me to brag to my friends? Or do I just cave in and get some Count Chocula. Here's a few of the odder cereals that've crossed my path during life...some of which were by no means edible, but somehow were ingested nonetheless.
Boo Berry was like, the Holy Grail cereal. All us kids loved FrankenBerry and Count Chocula, and while we knew Fruity Mummy's time had already passed, there were still rumors circulating that Boo Berry was indeed available. However, finding it was about as easy as making sense of the repeated failures of contestants on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'. Some of us would often claim to have seen it, even gone as far to say that we've tasted it...but we were all big stupid liars. None of us could find the elusive Boo Berry. In fact, it wasn't till I was about thirteen years old that I came across the cereal in person - albeit at a Poconos general store that had no respect for expiration dates. Still, I bought it...tasted it...and realized that some things were better left as dreams.
Gremlins Cereal! Oh yes! Remember the motto? 'Add milk...but never water!' I was an avid fan of Gizmo and company back in the day, still am actually, and when this movie tie-in hit the shelves, the decision was pretty simple. Unfortunately, had I realized that Gremlins Cereal was just another name for Captain Crunch, I might've stuck to the usual Lucky Charms. But I have no regrets...it came with a neat Gizmo sticker. In 1984, I would've eaten a tire for that....as long as it was before midnight.
Urkel-Os?! Christ! Now, lest there be any doubts, I did *not* choose this atrocity. I was sick one weekend, and my often-times misguided father did the food shopping, and thought he was doing a nice gesture by bringing this home. All it did was double the amount of vomit that came out of me. As if it wasn't bad enough to have to stare at Jaleel White instead of a cute version of Dracula, this tasted like fucking shit.
Batman Cereal. I don't have too much to say about this really, but it proved an ongoing trend with movie-based cereals - they were all extra-sugery versions of Captain Crunch. And I don't recall getting any neat stickers with this one, so basically I was eating my least favorite type of cereal just so I could stare at a Batman logo. Hell, it was '89, if I wanted to do that all I had to do was look at my t-shirt, shoelaces, or temporary tattoo! Fucking mass marketing campaigns.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal- finally, a little variety! No, this wasn't Captain Crunch. Unfortunately, it was worse. Ever try to eat a potato chip and ice cream at the same time? Well, apparently the makers of this cereal felt that odd mixes were the way to go, as this was simply Chex cereal combined with some really stale marshmallows. Although, I was so blinded with Turtle Mania at this point, I actually liked the cereal. Raphael had a strange hold on me. I think it was his quick wit. I was Turtle crazed. But retrospectively, there was also a time I thought Paula Abdul was hot. Next....
Ah....there it is. The Superstar of Cereals. The end-all, be-all. C-3P0s. Words can't express the love, folks. To say that I was obsessed with Star Wars would be an understatement on par with 'Hey, Mercury's a pretty hot planet!'. Star Wars was my life, and they didn't let me down with this one - a GOOD tasting, truly unique cereal that came with a cardboard Star Wars mask cut-out on the back! If I was physically capable at that age, I would've jizzed myself. This was truly the cereal of the century. And it was fortified with vitamins! I guess Lucas really does cater to the kiddies.
And there ya have it. Some of the most controversial cereals in breakfast history. I wonder what crazy cereals the kids of today are being persuaded by? Anyway, we also had the topic of cereal premiums. Now, this was a surefire way to get us kids to want a cereal. If there was a cool toy inside, we'd fucking eat anything. I remember eating boxes of Fruity Pebbles, which I hated, in order to get to those nifty Flintstones stickers. Unfortunately, some companies missed the point.
A Sugar Bear doll. Yes, a lame-ass, stupid, moronic Sugar Bear doll. I sincerely doubt this caused a major Super Golden Crisps drought. This has to be the worst stuffed toy I've ever seen, next to the numerous bootlegged Beavis and Butthead dolls circulating carnivals a few years back. The worst part was, you didn't even GET this toy if you bought the cereal. You had to send in three of those UPC codes AND pay for shipping. The same people who fell for this ploy would later buy chocolate stock after the rumors surfaced that they'll be no more cocoa beans in ten years. Idiots. Cereal premiums were kinda like Cracker Jack prizes or the occassional freebie you get for ordering a PPV event...you wouldn't waste your time bending down to pick one up off the street, but when portrayed like some sorta special free gift from the heavens above, resistance was futile.
In closing, the power to choose cereal is a privilidge, and not a right. So choose wisely, and don't let the power get to your head. Who knows what the next decade will hold in terms of weird, stupid, atrocious cereals? We'll have to wait and see...and just pray...yes...pray...that it doesn't get too far out of control.