I have a long history of being way too free with whatever money I can get my hands on. Free to the point where it would appear to the untrained eye that I really hate money, and have to get it off my hands as soon as it touches them. With that, I've bought some stupid stuff. Some really stupid stuff.
So today, we're gonna take a look at some of that really stupid stuff. Understand that the things I'm gonna show you aren't in themselves stupid...but how I put them to use? Undeniably stupid. Let's roll...
#1 - Sega Dreamcast
This was a short while back. I had just gotten my first credit card, and as most irresponsible credit holders will tell you, that's more dangerous than walking around Canada with a 'Bret Screwed Bret' t-shirt on. I got Discover because no one else would take me after my storied history of repeated Columbia House ripoffs and assorted other unpaid dues. Once I got it, I had to make a purchase. So I went to Amazon.Com and looked for the most unnecessary thing I could buy. The Sega Dreamcast.
Now, buying the Dreamcast wasn't the problem. That's fine. A few hundred bucks to have something other to do than discuss why Optimus Prime's trailer dissapears when he transforms with you people is nothing to frown at. The Dreamcast would've been fun. Operative words: would have.
See that cute bunny up there? He's mine. I named him Jupiter, everyone else calls him Elizabeth cuz he's sexually confused. We have a good relationship. I don't try to steal his food before he's done, and he doesn't try to fuck my legs too often. We had the perfect marriage, until that fateful day...
Not only did I buy the Dreamcast, I bought like 5 games to go along with it. 5 games I would never get to play. See, I set up the Dreamcast, played one game of Sonic Adventure, and went to sleep, dreaming of all the pixilated fantabulous fun that was ahead of me the next day. I woke up to notice a few dissapointing things:
1.- I had slept on top of an old He-Man 'Moss Man' figure, who's fuzzy face was imprinted on my forehead for at least two hours.
2.- I looked at the calendar to notice it was Saturday. For those of you who are slow, that's the only day of the week they don't show a single episode of the Golden Girls.
3.- The fucking rabbit had chewed through every single Dreamcast wire, rendering the entire system absolutely useless.
Yes. After spending over 300 dollars on a system and games, I owned the thing for under 24 hours before this fucking animal decided she wanted to test the waters of chewing by gnawing at my beautiful new video game system. What's worse - it fucked up the circuitry to the point where getting new wires wasn't an option. It needed to be repaired.
Did I ever actually get the Dreamcast fixed? Nah. It still sits, in box, at the bottom of my closet. Waiting for the day where I get up the courage to cover the chewed wires with electrical tape and return it to Toys R Us for Geoffrey money.
Fucking rabbit. And that's the first stupid thing I bought...let's move on.
2.- Technics 110-Disc CD Player
I have a problem. If I get something and it doesn't work, I simply abandon it. I'd be a fucking horrible father. Could you imagine if my son came out the womb with a missing toe, deformed hand, or in the worst case scenario - the Roman nose notorious on my mother's side of the family? I'd drop it faster than a hot Cup'O'Soup.
So yeah, I get this 110-disc CD player, which I had paid much too much money for, and it simply doesn't work. Won't turn on. Instead of getting the problem solved, which was assuredly a blown fuse that'd cost about 5 bucks to get fixed, I decided it'd be a better idea to throw this in the closet with my Dreamcast and spend another 250 dollars to get a Sony 200 disc CD player. I'm not kidding. I was really stupid enough to do this.
It's at this point that I should remind you all that I'm neither rich or even well off...the fact that I'll blow hundreds of dollars like this is merely a testament to my refusal to believe that I won't win the lotto by the time I'm 30.
3.- Face-Off VHS Video
Now, firstly, let me just say that I liked this movie. And considering that 90% of the time John Travolta's in camera view, that's pretty fucking impressive. The problem isn't with the idea of owning a Face-Off video...it's owning this particular Face-Off video.
I don't know how many video tape bootleggers all of you have around your neighborhoods, but over here, it's the most popular profession aside from 'stealing' and 'welfare'. These bootleggers are some of the most friendly folks you'll meet. They'll tell you how to get to the museum, give you tips on hailing cabs, but the one thing they can't provide? Watchable videos.
For 5 bucks, picking up a movie that was still in the theatres seemed like an awesome deal. In reality, this movie could be anything from Face Off to the Wizard of Oz to Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion...I'm really not sure, because the quality is that bad.
What I got was a video obviously recorded from inside a theatre. I'm okay with that. Piracy doesn't bother me. But see, if I was gonna do that, I'd aim my camera at the movie screen...not the floor. Essentially, I got a two hour tape of the cameraman's feet, with some vague mumbling going on in the background which could've either been Nicholas Cage's happy funtime on the bad guys' drugs, or the two schmos behind the cameraman trying to discreetly have sex in the back of the theatre. Either way, burning that five dollar bill would've given me more satisfaction. If these guys are gonna sell fake videos, why not just make them blank? At least then I could tape some old episodes of M*A*S*H or something on them. Lousy fuckers.
#4 - Herbal Ecstacy
Now, I've dabbled in drugs. This is one of the reasons my family is such an advocate of my website writing. They'd rather me post pictures of Trish Stratus and talk about Charles In Charge than do drugs, and that's understandable. But fuck them if they think I can't take something that's sold legally, so this herbal ecstacy shit seemed like a dream.
I've done enough bad things in my day to know that kids aren't paying 30 bucks a pill just to ask their friends 'Hey...ya feel anything?' three hours later. Nuh uh. Trust me, if you ever see this shit, avoid it. You're more likely to see trails eating peanuts and drinking Dr. Pepper.
The ingredients: Raw ephedra,ma huang Wild Brazilian Guarana, German Wild Ginko Biloba, African Raw Cola Nut, Russian Gotu-kola, Indonesian Wild, Fo-Ti-Tient, Green Tea Extract, Rou Gui (Rare Chinese Nutmeg).
What the ingredients do: Absolutely nothing.
So, since I'm under the public eye and can't be doing drugs anymore, and since the legal alternative sucks, I've decided to become an alcoholic. And I have herbal ecstacy and my mother's repeated requests for me to 'stop doing drugs' to thank. They're all fucking selfish!
#5 - Vintage 1978 Star Wars Death Star Playset, Mint In Box
Haha, no, this isn't one of the stupidest things I've ever bought. I just wanted to make all you fanboys out there jealous. Eat your hearts out. ;)
#6 - The Wiccan Book Of Shadows
Oh man. Here's another reason my mother loves my websites so much - they keep me too busy to involve myself in other things, namely black magic. I don't know what spiked my interest in the occult several months ago...I think it was during that time period when I had a severe crush on Neve Campbell, and HBO was showing The Craft like every four hours. Anyways, it all culminated in me buying this 'Book of Shadows' off eBay - for the incredibly low cost of just 125 dollars!
Yes, you heard correctly. I paid over a hundred dollars for some housewife with 80 cats and a load of sea salt to tell me that collecting leaves and lighting red candles was going to give me the greatest sex life possible. This book is ridiculous. Now, I'm not knocking Wicca in the slightest - if I ever decided to be a religious man, I'd much rather sit around and watch some naked girls dance around in a circle than be forced to eat something that tastes like styrofoam from church. But this book doesn't represent Wicca...hell, it'd be an insult to Satanists if I said it represented them! This book is simply the madness of one weird chick living in a log cabin somewhere in Salem. Let's give you an example of one of the many fine spells found within the pages contents:
Doesn't seem all that bad, right? Some nice shredded cheese, a little basil...all in all, that's a swell meal. Well, you haven't read the final, and most essential ingredient...
Holy shit. It's nice to see that ol' witchy wants to make sure you're not going to be spreading any STDs...before you make your loved one eat your vaginal secretions! You've gotta love the recipe here. I mean, it's not everyday where mung is considered complimentary to a chicken dish.
The book itself is another winner - it was advertised as being handcrafted by a coven many years ago. In truth, what I got was your stationary blue school binder available at your local grocery store or pharmacy for 4.99, only this one has some pieces of black felt stapled to it. To add a certain 'mystique', it was also sprayed with Lysol. Lovely.
My room still shows the wear and tear of my two-week love affair with the occult, but I'm not going to throw away all these sweet-smelling candles just because I no longer expect them to induce strangers to bring me money. That'd just be criminal.
#7 - Barbie: Butterfly Art Steven
As some of you know, I used to do eBay as a full-time business. Actually, it worked out great, I was making good money and I didn't have to wear a tie or keep my hair in the normal spectrum of colors. The only downside to eBay selling for a living is something I refer to as...'the fever'. The fever I speak of is the idea that everything you see, you just know you can sell on eBay for more.
And that's where this Barbie doll comes into play. He was on clearance for like a buck 99 a piece, and I had heard through the auction grapevine that these 'Butterfly Art' dolls had been banned because the stickers looked like 'tattoos'. I jumped on the opportunity and bought no less than 30 of these fucking things.
And yes, some did sell. About 15 bucks a pop. But there's only so many people in this world who actually want a Butterfly Art Steven of their very own. The point is, I have more of these stupid dolls laying around my house than you can imagine. The people living here are outnumbered by Butterfly Art Stevens by a 6:1 ratio, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. You have no idea what it's like to open up any closet, any door in the house and see this miserably recalled Barbie doll staring up at you.
So if any of you out there want one of these cooky Butterfly Art Stevens, I'll be glad to help you out.
And that's my story of woe and misery. I'd also like to add that I've just tallied up the approximate total cost of everything shown in this article: over a thousand dollars. I spent a fucking GRAND on all that bullshit.
These are not the things I should be writing about before I go to sleep. I should be writing about happy things, like bluebirds or licorice. Now I'm just gonna writhe in agony over my self-imposed debt for a half hour before eventually passing out while some stupid Butterfly Art Steven spies on me from the corner and some Wiccan goddess puts a spell on me for exploiting her bible for a post.