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Masters Of The Universe Chronicles - Episode One w/ Download!!
Matt - 07/18/00

A short while back, Dr. Rocket started a contest to gain some more multimedia for X-E. The entries were fast and furious, and before he knew it, Rocket had a tape full of old He-Man cartoons at his doorstep.

Elated, he popped in the tape. Unfortunately, Father Time seems to have sweetened his memory of Masters of the Universe, because after repeated (very repeated) viewings of this He-Man madness, Rocket's stated that the only time he'll ever watch this tape again is under the influence of a heroin/alcohol combo.

See, He-Man was no regular cartoon. Most shows occassionally pique audience interest and get them to ask themselves 'why?' a few times. But He-Man? Fuck, you'll be asking yourself 'why?' every thirteen seconds.

It's X-E latest feature, it's the world's newest's...

The Masters of the Universe Chronicles!

Episode Review 1: The Diamond Ray of Dissapearance

This kicks off what will be a series of X-E/X-E Multimedia collectives which give you, the reader, not only the chance to read about the wonderous adventures of He-Man and friends, but also the opportunity to download the episodes! What more can you ask for? We'll get to that later. :)

The Diamond Ray of Dissapearance was actually the first Masters of the Universe cartoon even shown - and that should be pretty obvious with the way all the villains get the grand introduction from the almighty Skeletor.

Skeletor's Plot: The episode is heralded in by the infamous maniacal laughter of Skeletor, who is absolutely elated over finding the elusive Diamond Ray of Dissapearance, which will trap his enemies in another dimension...forever! It's at this point that we get our first true glance and exactly why Skeletor never defeated his enemies - his minions were the biggest bunch of retards on the planet. It takes Skeletor about 4 seconds to make fun of Beast Man, his main henchmen and all-around idiot.

Despite having a weapon of this magnitute, and considering how this is the first episode and there's action figures out there that need to be pushed, Skeletor decides to summon all the bad guys to Snake Mountain. Now, it's important to note that the only place the villains seemed to hang out when they weren't at Snake Mountain were alone in the middle of piles of rocks. While everyone at Eternia engage themselves with grand old parties, the poor bad guys' social lives are reduced to hanging around with rocks, waiting for Skeletor to beam them up.

* Skeletor first summons Mer-Man, who used to be my favorite character in He-Man, till this episode reminded me of just how stupid he sounds when he tries to speak. Mer-Man looks confused as Hell when Skeletor's voice echoes over him, but that doesn't stop him from throwing some lizard fish about 40 miles away.

* Rockpile Example 1: Evil-Lyn. Now, I find nothing wrong with Skeletor using some magic beam to interrupt the bad guys' daily activities, mainly because the bad guys are doing the most pointless things I've ever seen. Here you'll find Evil-Lyn standing atop two spiked rocks with her cape outstretched. Maybe she was about to commit suicide. Maybe the animators didn't think putting Evil-Lyn in Macy's would fit with the flow. In any event, Skeletor's got two bad guys now.

* Rockpile Example 2: Tri-Klops. Tri-Klops is a fucking weirdo. Here you'll find him, surprisingly, surrounded by rocks. He uses his infra-vision to notice that there's some robot contraption behind one of the rocks, so to prove his sheer villainy...he throws the rock away! The horror! That's three bad guys...

* Rockpile Example 3: Trap-Jaw. Trap-Jaw's off blasting some rocks with his mechanical lazer arm. While Skeletor's summoning him, he's talking as if Trap-Jaw was about to receive his college diploma, running off his many accolades as if to impress Beast Man, Evil Lyn, and the rocks. Four bad guys...

AMAZING SCENE ALERT - BE PREPARED!!!! -- After you download the episode later, be sure to watch the episode very closely when it hits the 2:15 mark. As all the villains emerge in what appears to be Skeletor's office, you're going to be a witness to probably the greatest piece of animated cinematography of all time - the fast zoom-in on Skeletor's beast of burden, Panthor. Panthor growls accordingly. It's just one of those things you have to see for yourself. I've replayed this segment at least forty times now, and each time I laugh even harder.

It's at this first meeting that we really see how dumb the villains are. Skeletor explains his plot, and gives some really awful excuse as to why everyone needed to be there. Mer-Man mumbles off something incoherently, and as Skeletor tells them all about the Diamond, Tri-Klops offers up this gem: '' Skeletor laughs him off. It's important to note that Skeletor laughs everything off. I swear to God, anytime someone speaks to him, his only response is to just laugh in their face. It's pretty admirable, actually.

We then fast forward to Eternia, where everyone is watching Orko perform a magic trick, which ultimately ends up in that bastard Man-At-Arms getting covered in eggs. Man-At-Arms cracks the lamest joke imaginable, prompting..

AMAZING SCENE ALERT #2!!!!! -- After downloading, pay real close attention when you hit the 4:10 mark. After Man-At-Arms makes a comment about Orko that nobody in their right mind would construe as a joke, Prince Adam breaks out in a totally unwarranted and uncontrollable fit of laughter. To top it off, his laughter is cut off by a weird 'gong' sound and an extreme close-up of Teela's face. This cartoon is fucking hilarious.

Teela notices that the castle is under attack by Trap-Jaw, on his amazing scooter of doom! Yes, not unlike Zodak's Chair of Doom from the He-Man comic we recently discussed, the other fine citizens of Eternia also employ some really shoddy vehicles.

Despite Battle Cat's worries, Prince Adam suggests they turn into He-Man, which they do. One 'I Have The Power!' later, and He-Man is ready to kick some serious ass.

Teela shoots Trap Jaw down. Skeletor doesn't give a flying fuck, citing that 'that clumsy oaf' was merely to serve as a diversion so the rest of them could infiltrate the palace. It's amazing that all these guys follow Skeletor when he treats them so badly. If he doesn't laugh at you outright, he'll insult you behind your back.

The Sorceress prances around in bird-form to tell Man-At-Arms that Skeletor is in the castle. Sure. The Sorceress would've been better off telling Trap-Jaw...that's how ineffective Man-At-Arms is. Sure enough, Skeletor enters, laughs, and traps everyone in the Diamond's awful dimension...including the Sorceress! Orko escapes, but Skeletor doesn't seem to mind. He was never one to pay attention to details.

After noticing that Skeletor's robots are covering every square foot of the palace grounds, He-Man makes the brilliant deduction that he must've attacked the palace. It's important to note at this point that He-Man has to be the most relaxed superhero of all time. Either that or he just didn't give a shit. Either way, I challenge you to find one instance of He-Man showing anything remotely resembling emotion for this entire episode.

He-Man contacts the Sorceress using Castle Greyskull's weird portal mirror wall. She tells him that the only way to save his friends is to destroy the crystal.

The villains try to take over Castle Greyskull, but He-Man is waiting. He wastes the bad guys with more ease than you could imagine, when out of nowhere, and mostly for no apparent reason, Teela returns with Ram-Man and Stratos.

AMAZING SCENE #3!!!!!! -- Tune your Realplayer in to the 15 minute mark, and you'll find He-Man's 'epic' battle with my pal Mer-Man. He-Man wins the war by simply throwing Mer-Man into a pile of mud. Is that all it takes? To further the lunacy, we get yet another extreme close-up, this time of Mer-Man waving his arm around like he could actually do something worthwhile.

Skeletor makes a last ditch attempt at victory by using his magic staff to create a giant rock monster out of the mountain - which He-Man destroys with one punch two seconds later. You've gotta give Skeletor credit for not getting discouraged. Out of all the cartoon villains out there, nobody was more soundly defeated more times than the skull captain.

He-Man gets the Diamond and eventually crushes it, freeing everyone. Happy happy fun time. To end the festivities, Prince Adam crashes through a wall. And thus ends the first episode of Masters of the Universe.

Download: Dr. Rocket got the episode into our multimedia section, and also created a Masters of the Universe Drinking Game to accompany it. Trust me, if you follow it, you'll be drunk within two minutes. To play the drinking game and download this episode of Masters of the Universe, click here!

And, to further the pride and joy we have of being one of the only places on the net to host Masters of the Universe episodes, I've decided to give away one of the many pieces of crap cluttering my house. A vintage Skeletor bank! It's fun to save...with Skeletor! This contest is for all our graphic expert fans out's how to win:

* Whomever sends me the coolest new and improved X-E main logo as seen on our main page will win the prize! If you can keep it in the color scheme, that's cool...if not, you still have a chance for victory. Get to work!

Zodak still sucks.

- Matt

X-E Multimedia!