Madballs were a strange child phenomenon back in the 80s. We had them, we all loved them. All our friends had them, all our friends loved them. But in retrospect, I can't figure out why any of us actually wanted them.
For those of you who've pushed them out of your memory, Madballs were plastic balls (shocker) made to look like an assortment of odd, gross monsters. I really wish I was at the meeting where the idea people sold this one to management...probably went something like this:
Madball Guy: Hey now! Do I have a great idea for you or do I have a great idea for you?
Dictating Toy Manager: Mmm hmm. What's it this time? Madshoes? Madglasses? I told you, the idea sucks, it's never going to work.
Madball Guy: What if I said...Madballs?
Dictating Toy Manager: Holy shit! Now that's genius. Book it!
Right. Anyway, Madballs were the pinnacle of coolness and justice back in the day. And judging from an array of characters only bested in the 'lovable' department by the cast of Frasier, you can see why...
Eventually though, the bullet was bit, and we got a Madballs cartoon. And that's the heart of this article - I'm about to present to you what is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, inarguably, the single most atrocious cartoon you'll ever see.
Rocket had warned me to make sure I wasn't feeling suicidal before watching this one. I blew him off, because after all, I did sit through Corey Haim's video diary and Mr. T's Be Somebody...how bad could this be?
The cartoon is 22 minutes long. I got through 20 seconds before having to pause it, smoke five cigarettes, put away the knives, and drink more coffee than I have in the past four years. Now, I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but I didn't expect watching this to serve as an experiment in masochism. The opening sequence features these crazy Madballs singing Great Balls of Fire, followed by a long warning telling you that watching this is going to do a lot of bad things to you. It's meant to be as a joke, but it's completely true.
It's punchline after punchline of some of the absolute worst jokes you'll ever hear in your life. Consider it a perfect compliment to this site. You'll see Madballs engaging in everything from world travel to fine dining, all the while asking yourself what the fuck you could have possibly done to deserve this.
I'm not kidding you - this isn't just bad in the 'makes no sense' type of bad...it's bad in the 'holy fucking christ please shoot me' sense. I forced myself to watch the whole thing at around 8 PM tonight...it's now 2 AM, and I have no way to account for the several hours inbetween. In other words, for the past six hours or so I've been in a state of shock trying to get over the trauma this Madballs cartoon induces.
Download: Course, I don't expect you to take my word for it, which is why Rocket's uploading the whole fucking abomination to our multimedia section...you can snag the episode by clicking here. The quality of the tape wasn't that good, so the quality of the RealPlayer conversion isn't all that fantastic either...but it's still watchable, at least in the literal sense.
Know that scene in A Clockwork Orange where they force Alex to watch all those horrible, brutal rape and murder scenes in order to reprogram him? Well, they could've canned all that and just sat him in a room with the Madballs tape. If being a good boy meant I'd never have to see this again, I'd be at church every week spitshining the shoes of anyone who'd let me.