If only it was 1978. Oh God PLEASE let it be 1978. See, if it was 1978, I might still be able to get my hands on probably the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Something I'd trade my very soul in for. Something I'd give up my manhood for...
Oh Hell yes. Genuine Soil from Dracula's Castle!!!! At the extra-special price of just 9.95! In 1978 terms, you were paying quite a chunk for a teaspoon of dirt. But it's Dracula dirt, so that makes it okay, right?
As if getting genuine vampire soil isn't sweet enough for ten bucks, it's encased in a coffin-shaped plastic container! Now things are getting serious. This has just gone from being a bargain to being a fucking gift from above.
But wait -- there's more!
It comes on a gold-plated chain. You know, this whole 'gold-plated' deal is pretty misleading. For those not in the know, 'gold-plated' is just a clever way to say that something's gold colored. In other words, it's a cheap chain spraypainted gold.
But hey, you're not buying it for the jewelry factor - you're buying it because it's authentic soil from Vlad's castle in Transylvania! Nope, I'm not making this up. That's what the ad says.
Here's how the advertisement tried to sell it to you: 'No mystic powers are claimed for this amulet, and yet - who could fail to feel a tingle up and down the spine when viewing oneself in a mirror, observing this rare soil lying close to one's heart? What vampire lover could fail to feel - special - as he or she sees envy in the eyes of a fellow vampirian not fortunate enough to own one of Vlad's pendants?'
Wow, consider it sold! These old ads from the back of sci-fi magazines are hysterical. They prey on the gullible and rest assured that the people reading them are so warped from Star Trek movies and The Vault comics that they'd first of all believe that this soil wasn't gotten from some schmo's backyard, and secondly - that it was worth ten dollars.
If only it was 1978...then maybe I could own one of my very own. But my hopes and dreams are crushed, because as the ad is sure to state fifty times, only 5000 of these were available. Hell, if 5000 people around stupid enough to fall for this one, this company makes my eBay scams found in the X-E archives look like child's play. To make you feel more urgent about ordering one, they regret to inform you that you're limited to three pendants per purchase. Right. The worst part is, some people probably bought three of these things. 30 bucks for three grams of dirt encased in cheap plastic.
Talk about fanatical. These are the same people who'll buy Elvis' half-eaten pork chops and Clinton's half-soiled cigars. Listen, I wouldn't spend a dollar on dirt even if it was dug up from Bea Arthur's house...I can't imagine even the most devout vampire enthusiast wanting to spend 10 bucks on this one.
Ergh, who am I kidding? If I had the chance, I know I'd buy this fucking thing.
So today, we pay tribute to a time lost. A time where people wouldn't think twice of spending their money on dirt. The 70s. Course, some people refuse to let go of that decade, and continue to buy dirt, but these instances are few and far between.
Dracula Dirt. Will it make a comeback? Maybe you can make a difference.
Oh, there were also a ton of old Star Wars toy ads in this magazine. So I figured what the hell...click on the thumbnails to make the full-sized ads pop-up on your screen...like magic! Reading these things is torture, knowing how much money I'd have if I had just gone with my primal instincts and bought every Star Wars toy I saw and locked them in the attic for 20 years. Then I wouldn't have to rely on your kind folks to click the ad banners. I could just hock a Taun-Taun everytime I wanted to go gambling. Oh well....