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Saved By The Bell Stupid Character Profiles - #7 - Screech Powers
Matt - 07/21/00


When I started doing the Saved By The Bell Character Profiles, the whole deal was a double-edged sword. It was when the site was still very young, I didn't have a digicam or a scanner, but I did have a ton of useless knowledge on this stupid sitcom, and spreading the word on it is something I've always wanted to do. On the other side of the coin, I knew that, eventually, I'd have to talk about Screech.

Now, through all my years of watching the show, I've managed to etch a special place in my heart for even the stupidest of characters - the group of nerds who'd sometime cameo, James the Actor, and even Mr. Belding's wild dude of a younger brother, Rod. But Screech? Never. I've hated him from day one - and that hatred burns inside me like wildfire. If I ever did laugh at his antics, it's only because the only other solution was blowing my head off.

With that, here is the latest, greatest, and final Saved By The Bell character profile...on Screech Powers!

Who Is Screech? Samuel Powers, better known to us as 'Screech', was the token geeky sidekick moron on Saved By The Bell. He did well in school, which was sort of ironic considering that he found ways to mess up even the simplest of tasks given to him by Zack. Yes, Zack. For whatever reason, the school's biggest loser was best friends with the most popular kid in school, or more appropriately - the kid who the entire SBTB world revolved around.

Screech was here to offer us 'comic relief', usually in the form of him tripping on the floor or midunderstanding anything somebody said. Now, ultimately, the show would get away with this for a short while - but there's only so many lame Screech jokes one could handle before coming to a few conclusions: he wasn't funny, he was an asshole, and his nose was fucking huge.

Saved By The Bell ran into a major problem with Screech when they had their made-for-tv movie episodes, like when they went on that vacation to Hawaii. Real original. Why is it that whenever there's a big episode of a television show, the cast always ends up in Hawaii? It's not that interesting. But the point here is that the 'movie' episodes had no laugh track - thus taking away the deflector shield, and leaving us totally open to realize how dumb Screech jokes really were. I tried watching one of those movies - and when there's no laugh track to insinuate that someone, somewhere found him amusing, I hated Screech even more.

Relationships. Obviously, Screech wasn't a ladies man. He dressed like Spuds Mackenzie and looked like the guy who causes you to put your feet on the seat next to you on the bus so he can't sit with you. However, Screech did have a love: Lisa Turtle.

Lisa was pretty cool. I never had a problem with her - especially since she realized the most out of everyone that Screech should be killed. Did this dispersuade Samuel? Nuh uh. So, in every episode, Screech tries to woo Lisa about 40 times. This all climaxed with the classic show where Lisa became allergic to Screech and started twitching like that old woman who gets to play everybody's grandma in sophisto movies. This was fantastic. Saved By The Bell plots were always out there - but when they had the cast members actually getting allergic reactions to one another, you knew you had a winner.

Ultimately, Screech could never win Lisa over. But that's okay, because since this show was in Spelling-vision, he did get a girlfriend: Tori Spelling.

Nope, not kidding. You have to understand, this was before Tori had two bowling balls surgically placed where her tits used to not be. This was also before she found out the tricks of using make-up and hair dye to cover up the misfortune of genetics. So, she played Violet, the cute little geeky girl who loved playing the violin almost as much as she loved Screech.

Relationship didn't last long though. I'm not sure if they ever explained why they broke up or why Violet suddenly dissapeared off the face of the Earth, but the point is that Screech was alone again - and alone forever.


Screech's Stats:

S.A.T. Score: If I remember correctly, they never told us how Screech matched up. But he definitely either came in 2nd or 3rd - probably second behind Zack, who conveniently was revealed to be a super-genius to go along with being God.

Worst Line Ever: This is really tough. 'Best Line Ever' would be a lot easier, since I'd have a whole lot less to pick from. Screech was like a combination of Shaggy and Velma from Scooby-Doo, and his comments reflected on it. Trying to tell you his one worst line is like trying to tell you which piece of popcorn looks the most like a rock. It's just not possible. So I'll just give you an example of the idiocy...click here. Note the completely inappropriate laugh track, and the fact that this is actually one of Screech's better lines.

The Belding Connection: Everyone on the show had a special relationship with Mr. Belding...either they got along with him great, didn't get along with him at all, or went unnoticed completely by the principal for 12 years despite being in his office for 20 hours of the day. Screech had a pretty good relationship with Belding. Mr. B. didn't seem to get too mad when Screech fucked up, because he always knew Zack was behind it. I wouldn't call it a 'soft spot', but Belding did seem to regard Screech pretty highly. I guess that's part of his duties, cuz God knows nobody else did.


Screech: The Past. Screech, along with Lisa, Zack, and Belding, is one of the original SBTB cast members, dating back to a time when a lovely middle-aged teacher named Miss Bliss couldn't figure out what kind of accent she was supposed to be employing. In those days, Screech's nerdiness was almost cute, and nowhere near as annoying as it'd get later in the series.

Screech: The Present. Only Screech and Belding have the distinction of being on Saved By The Bell to this very day. Mr. Belding is still the principal, and now Screech works at the high school as an adminstrator or something. What you need to know here is that if you thought Screech was bad in the series' heyday, watching this will really throw you for a loop. Dustin Diamond is now like 30 years old - and while his skin and body fat has stopped growing, his skeleton has not. Essentially, Screech looks like one of those neo-cromagnomania men or whatever the fuck they are you see displayed in a museum. Plus, his dialect and mannerisms are eight times more lucid and annoying than ever before.

Screech: The Future. Let's face it, Screech isn't going to be an actor for all of his life. Unless of course he considers infomercials on thrwarting suicidal thoughts or cereal commercials an 'acting job'. Nobody's gonna give this guy a new role in life, so he's going to have to start searching for a new career if his SBTB nest egg ever runs out on him. I suggest kamikaze pilot.


Other Screech Stuff - He's the only SBTB character that comes complete with an urban myth - rumor has it that he's the brother of Mike D from the Beastie Boys. And as attractive as that possibility sounds, unfortunately...it's just not true.

On the positive side - Screech had a robot. See, his room was one of the very few places other than Bayside that we'd get to see. His robot looked cool and made crude comments about Kelly. It's the only plus in Screech's favor.

So ends our Saved By The Bell Character Profiles. At least until we can find enough info on James The Actor. Hope you enjoyed them...here's the links to the previous profiles...

Zack Morris
A.C. Slater
Kelly Kapowski
Jessie Spanno
Lisa Turtle
Mr. Belding

And once again...click here to hear Friends Forever! ...one last time!

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com