We here at X-E have always been fascinated with good girls gone bad. In our continuing efforts to find out just why girls give up on love and sweetness for the barren road of badness, we searched the streets of East Village for a punker, and found Mae Young. Mae's still young, but her past is filled with decadence and opulence like the world have never seen. One of our reporters, Alex Troi, was sent to the scene to talk with Mae.

Alex: Well Mae, first off, I'd like to thank you for granting me and X-E this special interview time. We really appreciate it.

Mae: Blow it our your ass, fag. The way I see it, this 30 minute waste of my time will pay enough for two bags of black tar heroin. That's the sole reason I'm here, you asshole prick.

Alex: I see. Well...I uhh...appreciate your candor. Tell me, what were you like as a child? How did you end up the way you are now? You know...a human pile of shit?

Mae: It all started when I was about 4 years old...

Mae: I started watching too many episodes of Who's the Boss?, and came to idolize Alyssa Milano. Following in her footsteps at such a young age was tough, as my lungs could barely handle the cigarette smoke. Let's not forget the fact that I had to make sure nude photos of me were spread to the general public, and fuck everything in site. Most girls that age didn't do that kinda shit, but I was focused on my goal.

Alex: Your family tells me at one point you did reform though... They said you were a stockbroker at one point?

Mae: Oh yeah, totally. After Alyssa's really horrible performances on Melrose Place, I lost respect for her, and decided to go the corporate route. I got my degree from Pace college and became a CPA, eventually landing a position at the NYSE as one of their top traders. It was a time.

Alex: So why did you give it all up? You seemed to have it all back then. Money, power...unfortunately still no clothes, but 2 out of 3 isn't bad. Why trade that all in to be a piece of crap?

Mae: One word: drugs.

Alex: So you got into the drug scene?

Mae: Not really. It wasn't so much that I was doing drugs, I wasn't that bad. I was just selling them to small children. Ever since parents were stupid enough to give teenagers thirty bucks and send them off for the night every Friday, I was making more doing this that I ever could playing those lousy stocks.

Alex: But you didn't care about all the kids who bought from you...how you were ruining their lives?

Mae: Nah, most of the kids I sold to were pretty ugly. It's like, if I was selling a hallucinogenic, I figured I was doing them a favor. They probably had a much easier time looking into the mirror, y'know?

Alex: Yeah, I guess you've got a point there.

Mae: So, you wanna play backgammon?

Alex: Not really.

Mae: Well I refuse to go on with this interview until we play backgammon.

Alex: Better now?

Mae: Much.

Alex: Okay, continuing. Can you tell me what your mother is like?

Mae:: Oh she's a total bitch. You know she actually kicked me out of the house because I stabbed my sister? How lame is that? It's not like she died or anything. Personally, I believe all my problems are her fault. She didn't wear clothes either. What kind of example is that?

Alex: That makes sense. Well Mae, it's been fun, but you smell like urine. I'll talk to you later...

Whether Mae Young will ever get her act together remains an unanswered question. And as for good girls gone bad, the reason is still a mystery. Should Mae decide to ever clean herself up, X-E'll be the first place to tell you about it. This has been a special report, now back to your regularly scheduled video game reviews and posts about Cobra Commander...

-- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
AOL IM: C9CMMMdX