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The Quest For IVYSaur! (Part One)
Matt - 07/24/00


I went out Friday night on another mission that only I seem to have the time and/or lack of maturity to accomplish.

But first...make sure that you've read the Quest for Bulbasaur, otherwise all of the following with seem even more useless.


As you've probably read, sometime ago I unwittingly purchased the Pokemon movie on DVD, and fell in love with an odd little bastard creature named Bulbasaur. As my 14,000 nieces and nephews were quick to point out - Pokemons evolve and change into new and totally different Pokemons, complete with new and totally different useless merchandise to buy. With that, I present to you...

Ivysaur! It's Bulbasaur...a little older, a little wiser, and with a giant fucking flower on it's back. How could one possibly resist something so esoteric? I challenge you to find anything else that combines dinosaurs and plants this well. Now, while they sell Ivysaur dolls at the mall and everywhere else here for around five bucks, I didn't feel I deserved one unless I could win it myself...so that took me back to Jersey, back to Wildwood, back to those fucking crane games...

Day One:

Now, for those who don't remember, Wildwood is a beach/boardwalk/white trash community over in Jersey, with more rides, games, zeppoles, and dumb shit than you could ever dream possible.

I didn't want to waste any time on this mission, so I went right for the throat and once again sought out Wildwood's prestegious mayor, Fat Daddy.

Shit! Some things never change. The sky is always blue, fire is always hot, and Fat Daddy's hand is always in his crotch. It's nice to be able to depend on that. Anyway, notice that F.D. is sporting his new yellow t-shirt...a far cry from the outlandish pink one we saw him in about a month ago, but still, he's the pinnacle of South Jersey fashion.

I'm not sure who that little girl in the picture is. However, I am sure that you could fit at least seventeen of her inside Fat Daddy and still have room for his heart, liver, stomach, and a Ford Tempo.

Was he any help? Not really. He just kept telling me to throw him a dollar and 'spin the wheel'...and when I asked how this would help me find Ivysaur, the only reply he could muster up was 'Sorry, brutha.'

There's nothing like a good carnival/boardwalk atmosphere if you want to find some of the world's stupidest employees. They had some game there involving throwing balls at various wooden cut-outs of people pissing, hosted by 'Tom', who is better known within the NJ circle as 'Norm MacDonald, homeless, and on crack'.

I meant to ask Tom about Ivysaur, but I was so thing I could think about was how I was sure I had spared this guy a dime at the ferry terminal awhile back. You know how people always tell you not to take candy from strangers? Well, Tom personifies the reason why. He's a veritable psychopath, but still he managed to pull off that whole Dr. Furter meets kinder-whore grunge look, to the tee.


Remember our friend from the Bulbasaur Quest who filled us in on the return of and sold me more Green Bamboo Mystery Peanuts?

He's back! And he wasn't too happy with me. I had broken my sunglasses, and found a pair suitable to my wallet at one of the boardwalk's many stupid souvenier shops. When I brought them to the register, I noticed that the cashier was the same guy who had sold me the Mystery Peanuts at a different store a month ago! As if this wasn't a shock in itself, I looked to his left to notice something very peculiar on the wall next to the double-A batteries and expired condoms - MORE MYSTERY PEANUTS!

What the fuck is the deal with this guy? Is he the only distributor of Green Bamboo Mystery Peanuts left? They seem to follow him everywhere. It's like confetti and Rip Taylor. Now, I asked him to take a picture with me holding the peanuts, and this was not something he was too into being a part of. In fact, I'm pretty sure he spouted off some curses at me in whatever his native tongue might be. Eventually and after much debate, when I made it crystal clear that I had no intentions of leaving the store until I got my pix fix, he succumbed...

So now I have more mystery peanuts. I showed these things around to people as if I had just found the Holy Grail itself, and they could see why: Green Bamboo is truly the greatest thing the world has ever seen. Coincidentally, Graeme of The Lost Warehouse won our contest for the last mystery peanut by supplying these pics of him and his friends drunk, wearing pieces of a dead moose...

We're getting off track. There's an Ivysaur out there somewhere, and I intend to find him.

I tried looking in some other stores, and while I didn't find an Ivysaur, I found some other interesting stuff...

Course, when I say 'interesting', I mean interesting to me. I also find broken Christmas ornaments and cranberry vitamins interesting, so be warned...

In my previous years of toy selling, I've come to know this one as a pretty big collectible. It's the R2-D2 Pepsi cooler - put proudly on display in one of the 99 cent stores, but despite my pleas, absolutely not for sale. Unfortunately, the R2 cooler was the only thing in the 99 cent store that could possibly be construed as being worth a dollar. Between the myraid of broken batteries, little frog figures with giant dicks, and of course, nude playing cards, there was no way you could find a better symbolic way to burn a dollar bill.


Hmmm...

Hmmm!

There we go.


In another store I found this guy...for those of you who haven't read the X-E eBay scams - this is none other than Robert Viscera! I can't believe this fucking cheap doll was still in the same spot over a year later. You'd figure this would be a fast mover, especially with the obvious Tito Jackson comparisons. You should've seen the look on the old woman's face went I went to the checkout with this thing. She would've been less scared if I drew a gun on her. But fuck her if she thinks I'm gonna pass up Robert Viscera, especially at the low low cost of just 1.99.


When I saw this, I thought I was hallucinating and figured it was time for bed. Now that I've seen the pictures, it's even scarier that it's true - right out in the middle of nowhere, there was a giant, golden Potato Man menacing passerbys. Wildwood is the weirdest fucking place on the planet.

I still hadn't found Ivysaur, but it was a busy day. Fat Daddy made his return & debuted a new shirt....more Mystery Peanuts surfaced...I found a giant Hot Dog guy and named him after X-E's resident alcoholic...and of course, Robert Viscera decides to return from the grave.

In other words, I needed sleep. Tomorrow was another day...and as you'll soon see...things got a whole lot stranger.

Continue To Part Two!