I looked to the sunrise in the hopes for Ivysaur Enlightment, but all I got was a sunburn and a shoe full of wet sand.
That's our hotel, The Premiere. Or, more specifically, the premiere hotel as far as cum-stained blankets and overpriced room rates go. I love Wildwood. We had eight people total, so we booked a room that could 'comfortably' host anywhere from 6-12. The room had two beds and a pull-out couch. So I guess the table and underneath the table counted as a bunk bed, and the bath tub substituted as a single. Plus, it wasn't exactly the model of cleanliness. Before we left, we burned the maid's tip envelope in a little ceremony to give our feelings light.
It was the morning hours...my friends still sleeping off their hangovers, dreaming of everything but Ivysaur. Obviously, these people didn't know how to have a vacation. I mean, what fun is a trip if you don't come home without a Pokemon doll? Honestly, that should be right in the brochures alongside 'working stove' and 'clean sheets - we swear!'
It was all up to me now. No one was going to help. If I wanted an Ivysaur, I was gonna have to go out and find one myself...
Well, this wasn't a 99 cent store...this was a dollar store. I was hoping that step up would dictate some more high class merchandise...like an Ivysaur doll. Now, while there were no Saurs in there...there was something else there...something...something like I haven't seen in a very, very long time...
Can't see what I'm holding? Take a closer look..
Yes. You're not seeing things. What I'm holding is a fucking TROTH of Green Bamboo Mystery Peanuts. OVER A DOZEN of the world's finest entertainment source...MINE! I don't think winning the lotto would be as exciting as this was for me. Not only was I going to nab some Peanuts at a new lower cost, I was going to, inarguably, own the most Green Bamboo Mystery Peanuts out of everyone on the planet. There must be some kind of play I can get from that. I should call Guiness.
You have to understand the significance of all this. Without Green Bamboo, there wouldn't be an X-Entertainment. I started this site after watching the GI Joe movie one too many times, and after finding my old Green Bamboo eBay ad. In more ways than one, it's changed my life. You know that old saying... 'What's better than one juggling midget on fire? Two juggling midgets on fire.' It's the same deal here...having one or two Mystery Peanuts was pretty cool....but when you've got them in bulk? Shit, I feel like I could shoot lightning bolts from my fingers right now.
But wait, it gets better.
I felt the need to spread the wealth around. I felt the need to give a Green Bamboo Mystery Peanut to someone who truly deserved it...someone who we all know and love...someone who's got a special place in all of our hearts...
Somebody go blow a trumpet, and someone else go light fireworks. This is an event. You know how it was a big deal back in the 80s when Reagan and Gorby met up for all that summit shit? Pish posh. That's nothing compared to this. I'm surprised the planet didn't explode when Fat Daddy's fat hands first touched the Green Bamboo Peanut.
And look that that - a smile on his face! You've really gotta wonder what Fat Daddy (now back in his trademark pink shirt) has planned for the peanut. Ha, like I should even suggest he's going to do anything besides eating it. Anyway, he promised me a Fat Daddy t-shirt on my next visit, and I was off...
I ran back to the hotel to tell everyone what had just happened. Nobody knew what to be impressed with more...the fact that we had more Mystery Peanuts than any outlet in the world, the fact that Fat Daddy promised me a t-shirt, or the fact that I've gone half a month without changing my shirt and having nobody notice.
Despite the magic that is the Fat Daddy/Green Bamboo Connection, let us not forget - my mission was still incomplete. So it was back to the boardwalk, and back to the search for Ivysaur!
Hey look, it's Kid Rock and his amazing herbal ecstacy! Yes! The guy tried to tell us that the pills - which were twenty bucks for a pack of four - would make you feel like you were candy flipping. For those who are sane and good, that means taking acid and ecstacy at the same time. For us, who are neither sane or good, that meant we were drunk and stupid enough to kiss his feet and gladly purchase two bottles.
About seven hours later, I'm pretty sure the fourth toe on my right foot tingled for a second. Other than that, nothing. I can't believe I just wrote about this shit and was dumb enough to buy it again, but when someone's swearing up and down that you're going to be jumping off cliffs just by eating what is essentially a bunch of tree bark, you start getting a little gullible.
As if resisting Kid Rock's amazing saleman skills wasn't hard enough - look at the label on the bottle! How the fuck we were supposed to turn this down? It's got a six-armed black guy having an orgasm on it! We were duped. Again. But at least we can all take pride and saying we'll keep you guys from making the same mistake.
And there they were. The cranes. Ivysaur was here, and now it was all up to me to take him home....
And after spending around...oh...four hundred dollars, not only did I get an Ivysaur...
I got a whole fucking clan of Pokemon dolls. You should've seen the audience we had during all this...screaming bloody murder whenever the crane claw dropped the dolls. Agroup of 19-24 year olds literally losing their minds over Pokemon dolls.
Long live the Alliance, I had completed my quest. For now.
Bulbasaur: When you came out of the crane machine, did he kiss you a lot too?
Ivysaur: Shit, yes. Why do you think I look so angry?
Bulbasaur: Well, there's a good hiding place underneath his bed.
Ivysaur: Next to his collection of Digimon cards? No thanks.