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Superman and His Amazing Fortress of Solitude!
Matt - 07/26/00

It's time to take a look at Superman and his amazing Fortress of Solitude! This was one of those special oversized edition comic books. And as you comic collectors know, special edition comics usually came with pretty irrevelant and all-around strange plotlines. This one was no different. Lex Luthor poses as some masked guy, and Superman has to save the world from being destroyed. For whatever reason, this involves him giving us the Fortress of Solitude tour to end all tours. They explained Superman being able to take his time like this in such a dire hour because of his super-speed, but come on...the Earth's about to be destroyed, and he's reading all of his old diaries? Let's explore...there's a lot of big images, so this'll be a two-parter...

I didn't scan the pic, but you should know that the key Superman uses to get into the Fortress is about half a mile long. I'm not kidding. It becomes pretty obvious in this book that Superman likes to show off his power, whenever and wherever he can. It's also important to note that Superman talks to himself more than a demented prison inmate after eating a whole box of Chocolate Riesens. I understand that we need some sort of narrator here, but Superman's literally talking more to himself here than I've spoken in my entire life.

Before heading in, Supes felt it was crucial to cleanse himself of any nasty space dust that might've gotten stuck to his ultra-attractive cape while he was flying through space. Now, I'm no DC expert, but if memory serves - this is the only time space dust has ever been a concern of Superman's when he's flying back to Earth. Convenient that he cares when he's going to his own house.

And how does he rid himself of this alleged dust? Why, with the use of the super-blowtorch, of course! Yes, Superman literally sets himself on fire for a good five minutes before even thinking of going inside. Now that's just bullshit. I can think of at least 20 instances where Superman flew directly from space into the Daily Planet office building. He obviously didn't think too highly of his alter-ego's co-workers if he had no qualms about exposing them to this lethal cosmic dust.

But what am I saying? Superman is infallible!

The Fortress' main entrance boasts the giant statues of Superman's long-dead parents, Jor-El and Lara Flynn Boyle. Superman remarks that he handcrafted them himself, which is pretty sick if you think about it. I know I'd get an uneasy feeling if I had to scult my father's groin and my mother's tits at even a lifesized statue rate. But these are gigantic - so can you imagine the amount of time Superman spent fashioning Lara's chest? It's a pretty disturbing visual.

I love how the writers of this comic book scripted it in such a way so that Superman was talking to himself, so that it wouldn't make sense that he's announcing everything in the Fortress to nobody. So, instead of him saying 'these are the statues of my parents, Jor-El and Lara', he'd say: 'I really need to rewax and shine the statues of my parents, Jor-El and Lara'.

Ah, this was one of my favorite parts. Superman starts walking through the place, and gets up to the part where he had made little exhibits for all his friends. I mean...all of his friends. I think frigging Two-Face and Iron Man had galleries in this thing. But the best one was certainly for Supes' little lovegirl, Lois Lane. At first, the exhibit seems pretty pedestrian...normal Lois statue, and few pictures, etc. But then we get a closer look into just how big of a deranged psychopath Superman really is...

A lock of Lois Lane's hair?!! Not only that...a clearly-labelled lock of Lois Lane's hair! Jesus! Who else's hair was gonna be in a glass case in the Lois exhibit? The Green Lantern's? Anyway - this really proves that Superman's not only a fanatic, but he's got a few Kryptonian screws loose. You know how you had that friend who has to have every variation of Bill Ripken's error card back in '89 or whatever the fuck it was? Same deal here. Superman won't be happy until he's got the toenails of every hero in the universe for his collection.


You have to remember, the fate of the Earth is ticking down...there's literally just minutes until the entire planet explodes. In other words, this seems like a terrific time for Superman to...


Oh hell yes. The world is about to die, and Superman's off reading his diary. Of course, since this is Superman, it's only fitting that his diary be 30' tall. Jeez, does Superman feel like he has something to prove or what? 'Hey, that's a nice diary you got there, Aquaman. But here...check out mine.' Also note how his diary machine transcribes his thoughts into this ridiculously exaggerated book as he thinks them. Could you imagine what would happen if a hot naked chick just waltzed into the room carrying a singing orange turtle? I'd love to read that entry...

There's More! Continue To Part Two!