previous article | | next article
Superman and His Amazing Fortress of Solitude!
Matt - 07/26/00

Continuing on with Superman's adventure through his Fortress of Solitude...

Animal rights activists oughta love this. Not only is Superman keeping exotic animals in glass cages where nobody sees or feeds them for months on end - he's keeping them in glass cages barely big enough for them to piss in. It's amazing. The Jimmy Olsen Exhibit Room had to be the size of a football field. But these poor animals are stuck in cages so tight they can't even move.

Superman calls this part of the Fortress the 'Alien Zoo', and theorizes that walking through it is like going on a 'magical mystery tour'. I'm not kidding. Superman really is a lunatic. In the pic above you'll see the 'Bravado Beast' get really pissed off because he sees the yellow part of Superman's emblem. Dude, you have a lot more to be pissed about than the color yellow. You're stuck in a box that couldn't fit my Star Wars figure collection, and to top that, you're one of the most poorly drawn creatures in DC history.

Superman might've been able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but he really lacks something in the creativity department. Check out the names he gives these animals - 'Metal Eaters'...'Furred Frog'...'Beaked Cat'...and 'Animal Plant'! Jeez. He would've been better off calling them Animals A-D.

Superman contemplates whether any of these animals could be in any way responsible for the world's impending doom for a few minutes. Please. Like that owl cat was going to crack the planet in half while stuck in the Fortress of Solitude's version of Sax 5th's Christmas window.

Superman has commented at least 1,000 times by now that time is running out. Course, this hasn't prevented him from playing with Lois' hair or reading his diary, so why should it prevent him from...

Drinking A Chocolate Milkshake?!

Yup. Ain't nothing like drinking a chocolate milkshake to help you save the Earth. What's even better is that Superman follows this up by watching television. I'm looking at Supes' picture now, and god damn, he is one veiny motherfucker. I understand that trying to put a dent in him is like trying to put a dent in a big rock, but does he really have to look like one?

Finally, we get Superman's dream sequence of what would happen if the Earth was indeed destroyed. A handful of the heroes, which in Superman's mind somehow includes Lois Lane and Johnny Olsen, would travel to a far off planet and start civilization anew. The weird deal here is how Superman seems to be fantasizing about it, like it'd be some cool little adventure and a nice challenge to try knocking up Lois, Wonder Woman, and Alfred progressively.

Notice how Superman's instructing all the heroes to remove their masks, since they obviously won't be needing them. Robin takes his off, and everyone looks shocked. Come on! If I wore that stupid eye thing around, I highly doubt anyone's going to have any trouble identifying me. Now if I wore the pantyhose, well, that'd be another story entirely.

In case you were wondering, of course, Superman did save the world, otherwise we wouldn't be here now, would we? It turned out to be Lex Luthor all along - and despite Supes saying that it was just as he expected, he forgot that earlier in the comic, he himself said that there was no way it could be Lex. So not only is Superman a psychopath who collects hair samples and tortures alien animals...he's a liar too.

- Matt