Last night, perhaps the greatest television moment of the year came to us by the way of Conan O'Brien's late night talkshow. He had the guest. The guest that all talkshow hosts aspire to have on their show throughout their careers. When you get this guy, you know you've made the big time. Now, when I say that seeing this set a chill down my spine - I'm downplaying the situation. This was, truly, the markout moment to end all markout moments. So just who was on Conan O'Brien's show last night?
Earlier in the afternoon yesterday, Dr. Rocket messages me with a simple 'did you hear?' I'm figuring he's talking about some new godforsaken Madballs cartoon we got onto our multimedia section...a new clip of He-Man...you know, something cool, but nothing to make me fall off my chair.
What Rocket told me was that Mr. T was slated to make his long-awaited return to television. Honestly, my serotonin flew up so high it was coming out my eye sockets. Could it be true? Was T returning? Well, that was Rocket's big mistake of the evening. I told him that there's no way he could pass up the opportunity. We needed to get this Mr. T interview onto X-Entertainment.Com.
Copyright laws? Bah. Bandwith? Please! This is T we're talking about - the same Mr. T who once rapped in his 'Be Somebody' video about how he wore all that jewelry 'to pays respect to his ancestors, because they was slaves'. Mr. T said that all that gold was some sort of respect to former slaves! He's the only guy on the planet who could hit such a direct political message and be such a fashion plate all at the same time.
PS, I'm not wearing shoes right now in a sign of homage to my dead uncle.
Back to the story at hand...
Mr. T came out dressed to the nines in a silky silver outfit. He seems to have put on a little weight and somehow gotten shorter - but all this was overlooked because he came out with possibly the biggest hard-on in the history of mankind. Guys and girls - I am not kidding. You'll see it for yourself in a few minutes. It was frigging ridiculous. Conan should've announced the guest as 'Mr. T's giant testicles'.
It makes sense though. I read somewhere that guys get erections when they're nervous about doing a public engagement, and since the last time we saw Mr. T was back when he warranted having cereals and coloring books named after him - all this was to be expected.
So Mr. T and his package sit down - to a riotous applause from the audience. Now, I don't mean a few typical hoots and hollars - the people in the studio literally blew the roof off, prompting T to say 'thank you' more times than a masochist getting his nipples pierced. I really feel bad for anyone who tries to transcribe this show, because 461 of the first 464 words will be 'thank' and 'you'. The other three would be 'holy giant erection'.
Now, as far as the show went - words cannot express what went on in the eight minutes and fifty seconds Mr. T was on. You know those tv commercials for the unedited Jerry Springer Show video tape? Well, if you make that six times more insane, add a 50 year old black guy wearing an astronaut suit who has more agility than a cheetah, and then multiply that by 50, you'll get this segment. I don't think I'll be stretching the truth at all if I say this is the greatest fucking thing you'll ever see in your entire life. I was completely unprepared for it.
Here's a list of some of the highlights....
* Mr. T isn't on the show as his usual, relaxed, mundane self. He's on the show under the influence of more cocaine and speed than the entire sport of pro-wrestling and the music industry combined. Seriously - I haven't seen an outburst of energy like this since my old dog's tail caught on fire. T is non-stop.
* Mr. T, without warning, will get up and start dancing like a frigging maniac at the drop of a hat, prompting Conan to join in by dancing on his desk. Let's put it this way. The interview is nine minutes long. At four points during the interview, Mr. T gets out of his chair and starts dancing. So about every 120 seconds, prepare yourself for an intepretive dance like the world has never seen.
* Products featured during the interview:
- Mr. T action figure. Or, more specifically, a Mr. T action figure which Mr. T himself puppeteers for a good 90 seconds across Conan's desk, making it pretend to beat up GI Joes and Cabbage Patch Kids. Apparently, Mr. T had planned this before the interview started, because he seemed way too impressed with his jokes about how his action figure was gonna deflower a Barbie doll.
- Mr. T air freshener. Yes! What the hell was it scented like? Mr. T? Imagine that. You don't market things that are supposed to smell sweet with a guy like Mr. T on it. That's like John Goodman doing Weight Watchers commercials, or me doing a promo for Gold's Gym.
- MR. T CHIA PET. Before I die, I must own one of these. I'll make one myself. Can you imagine the warm, fuzzy feeling one would get when they alone are responsible for the growth of Mr. T's mohawk?
* Mr. T gets to say 'pity the fool' no less than 40 times. He also uses the phrase 'you know' 560 times, and the phrase 'I like gold' twice.
You know how we all clamor to our television sets when they're showing riots on the news? It's the same deal with this. There was a horrific excitement in the air.
In all seriousness, this'll really make you understand why we should love everything that is T. I'm used to seeing Mr. T in hardass roles where he's all mean and tough...here he's just about the bubbliest fucking thing since Teddy Ruxpin.
Oh yeah, he was there to plug something. Mr. T was able to get across points about his wardrobe, his dancing, his Chia Pet, and so on with amazing, crystal clear quality. But when it came to talking about the reason why he's there - he fumbled. 'I'm the cyber tv internet host for the contest thats on the tv on the web dot com super fan. do you know the super fan? I'm the cyber host that knows all bout tv. You can win prizes, take chances, and risk fallin' on yo face!"
Dr. Rocket's uploaded the interview clip for you. It's 9 minutes long...14.4 MB - but really high quality. These are the best 15 megabytes you'll ever spend, believe me.
Oh, by the way, here's what happened in the interview after the cameras stopped rolling...
Conan: So, Mr. T, I was told you're going to read us a selection from your new poetry book? Is that right?
Mr. T: You got it, sucka. Sprite's got limon, and I's bout to be rhymin'!
Conan: Wow, you're a poet and you don't know it!
Mr. T: But I do know it, foo'! I'm here to stay...I'm the poet laureate!
Conan: Alright, enough. Let's hear your poem.
Mr. T: Okay, okay. ::ahem:: The title of this poem is 'The Fool I Pity', and it goes like this:
And all the while I think of you...
...a very strange reaction
The more I see, the more I do"
Mr. T: You didn't like it?
Conan: No no, I loved it. In fact, I've loved it for over a decade, since that's from Grandmaster Flash's White Lines, you poet-posing piece of crap!
Mr. T: I pity the fool who questions the integrity...of yours truly....the rhymin' celebrity!