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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Episode Review w/ Download!
Matt - 07/29/00

Well, we had Madballs and Galaxy Rangers cartoons up for download here, and now it's time to move on to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We're movin' on up. I feel like the Jeffersons. Or more specifically - I feel like Louise Jefferson.

Anyway, as my elementary school years winded down, Turtles was huge. And obviously, all us kids battled over who was the biggest TMNT fan. I used to publicly degrade myself by wearing that ridiculous oversized Michaelangelo pin they gave out at Burger King just to prove my worth. It was a tough job - but the Turtles deserved it.

For those unfamiliar with the righteous reptiles, let's run through the four turtles for a brief introduction - in order of importance:

Leonardo: Now, Leo wasn't the most important turtle because he assumed a 'leadership' role, because he was seemingly the most disciplined, or even because he had swords. He was the most important turtle because out of all of them, he was the only one whose name we could all spell. Whenever I wrote my sexy TMNT fanfics, it'd always be Mikey, Don, Raph, and Leonardo. I wouldn't even attempt to soil my beautiful literary masterpiece by spelling the other turtles' names wrong. If I tried to spell 'Michaelangelo' back then, it'd come out looking like one of those words you're supposed to descramble.

Raphael: Raphael was neat. He wore red, he had sais for weapons, and you couldn't ask him what time it was without being insulted in return. Also, and you'll probably have to go back and watch a few episodes to understand what I'm talking about -- Raphael was by far the most chatty in battle. I swear, he could be fighting something as inanimate as one of those lame Foot Soldiers and still manage to have a 25 minute conversation before stabbing it in the chest.

Donatello: I think I've gotta cast my vote with Don for my fave turtle. He carried what was inarguably a 'big stick', but somehow he got away with calling it a 'bo'. He managed this because he was the smartest, most scientific turtle, so no one tried to argue with him. Course, this sometimes works to the Turtles disadvantage. Even though they're supposed to be somewhat in hiding from the general public, nobody argued with Donatello when he decided to slap a 14' 'Turtles' logo on the Turtle Blimp. Way to be discreet, Don.

Michaelangelo: Here's an interesting phenomenon. Mikey was everybody's favorite turtle - at first. After watching about three or four episodes, you probably wished death on him. Even in the 4th grade, there was only so many times I could hear the word 'dude' before swearing on my hamsters' grave never, ever to wear orange again in my life. Mikey had nunchucks, really really liked pizza, and as he so eloquently states in each episode no less than 20 times - he likes to party.

With that, let's move onto today's cartoon. After the review, you'll be able to download it yourself. Or you can scroll down, get it now, and read the review as you watch it. I know, it's a tough decision. To download now...or not to download now? Try not to smoke out your circuits over that one.

Episode XXXXXVIII (I think): The Case of The Killer Pizzas!

* Shit, I don't know why I bothered telling you who all the Turtles were. The opening credits seem to do that rather well. So...umm..disregard everything I wrote above. It's overkill. :)

* YES!!!! Okay, not only is this an episode where the bad guys and the Technodrome are stuck in Dimension's an episode where the original king of swing...BAXTER STOCKMAN, is present. In human form! Bonus points: 5,000.

* Since Shredder is about as effective at defeating the Turtles as Jake Llyod was as a convincing Anakin, Krang decides to give him some weird meatball shaped eggs to aid him in his quest. If you look at the title of this episode, it's really not too hard to see where all this is going.

* Uh oh...AMAZING SCENE ALERT!!! And we're only at the 1:30 mark!! Watch closely as Rocksteady manages to lose control of one of the meatball eggs...Baxter does a front-faced baseball slide across the table to catch it, proclaiming Rocksteady an 'idiots' before hitting his head against the wall. That's another 5,000 bonus points.

* Shredder and Baxter are now walking the streets of Earth. Baxter doesn't look too abnormal, but since Shredder is dressed like a Mandalorian bounty hunter, he has to wear a monk's robe while in public. Kickass!

* Shredder cuts open a fire hydrant so he can flood the turtles lair with water littered with flyers for free pizza. Yes, he decides that the best way to get these trick flyers to the turtles, is to send them with a flood of water. Genius. After the Turtles fight a robot washing machine, they get the water and the flyers. Splinter, the Turtles' rat/sensei, deducts that the slice marks on the flyers could only have been made by Shredder's hand-prongs. Are you kidding me?

* Some crazy shit goes down, and the Turtles end up covering Shredder with tomato sauce. Baxter, who had secretly put the evil egg meatballs on the prize pizzas, announcing the Turtles as the winners, and they return to the sewer with their bounty.

* ::sigh:: I really have to make a note never to review a TMNT episode at 7 AM again. I swear to God...something ludicrous and worth documenting happens every six seconds. Either a Turtle makes a super-witty remark, a bad guy trips down a flight of stairs, on in this case: a meatball hatches in Irma's apartment, and her and April are faced with one of the killer pizza monsters! The Turtles arrive, the monster escapes, and the Turtles are off to find the other the Turtle Blimp!

* A whole lot of other stuff goes down, but eventually the monsters end up getting soaked, and growing to an enormous size. The plot thickens! Now the monsters are out of control...even Shredder and Baxter are looking for a way to stop them. I should note at this point that pretty much every main character of the show is running through the sewers, including April's cameraman. Small world.

* Leonardo eventually manages to return the giant monsters to their egg-size by -- get this -- cutting an electrical wire, which somehow ends up shooting across the floor and electricuting them. Smooth. All is well. The Turtles and Splinter reflect on their experience, the end.

Overall Rating: A little too much sewer and not enough Krang for my tastes. I wouldn't call this one a classic, but it did have Baxter, it did have a lot of really lame jokes, and it did have Irma fainting twice. 3 out of 5 stars.

TO DOWNLOAD: Rocket got it into the multimedia's a 7.3 MB RealPlayer file. Quality isn't superb, but I'm pretty sure this was taped off television to begin with. Watch it in normal compact size for the best results. Go To The Download Page!

Enjoy. :)

Got a tape, comic, or anything else to offer up that should be covered on X-E? E-mail us!

- Matt