Well, look who it is! If you said 'Bulbasaur', think again. This isn't just Bulbasaur, this is GIANT Bulbasaur. After only three dollars into the crane, out he came. As I'm sure you guys know, my mood was totally lifted for the rest of the day. There was some little kid hanging on to me while I was playing the cranes, obviously trying to woo me so that if I won, he might get the prize. Well, not only did he not get Bulbasaur, but he got a swift slap in the face after trying to touch my prized possession with his greasy dirty paws. Lousy kraut. When your friend buys a new car, you don't start drawing your name on the hood with the sweat from your fingers, do you? Right, so don't touch my fucking Pokemon dolls.
Bally's was good to me. It let me win a little. They've got these awesome pinball slot machines...if you get the 'pinball' icon, you're pretty much set for at least a hundred quarters. They've also got the biggest assortment of themed slots I've ever seen. Monopoly slots, Yahtzee! slots, Jeopardy slots, Slingo slots...it's to the point where you could've seen a 'John Ritter' slot machine without blinking an eye. I wonder what slot purists, who only like looking at 7's and cherries, think about all this. The funny part is, half these themed slots have rules that are impossible to understand. I tried playing the Monopoly ones, after one try I was down twenty bucks and I hadn't even realized I spun the wheel. So either I'm extremely stupid, or that's quite a racket this place has going. Make the slots so esoteric that the only chance you have at even playing the game correctly is if you yourself created the game.
Now, while Bally's was pretty good to me, the Trump Taj Mahal was...not. I'm going to fill you in on something. Everyone seems to wonder how Donald Trump got so rich. Where did all his money come from? Well, let me explain it to you. He has my entire family's money. It's true - I come from a long line of gullible gamblers, and the one constant has been that when we mess with Trump, we get royally fucked. So, I go in with sixty dollars....come out with a nifty matchbook with the Trump logo on it. Fair trade? You be the judge.
Matt: So how much did you lose?
Carl: Too much. You?
Matt: Few hundred. But I won that Bulbasaur....counts for something, right?
Carl: Oh yeah...I'd say...at least 70 bucks or so.
Matt: Nice. Cranes are where it's at! Ick....have you tasted this beer?
Carl: Nope. I'm an Amstel boy. Why?
Matt: Let's just say I never knew dog piss cost 8 bucks a bottle.
In from there, we decided to check out the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum. Yes, believe it or not, this is on the boardwalk. Ten bucks admission to see a bunch of wax statues with spikes going through their chests. Glorious. I'm serious though - I wasn't sure if this was a museum or a horror house, because the only mysteries the place seemed to want to uncover were those where they could get a guy with an axe through his throat on display.
There's my friend Ethan, extremely excited over seeing the real skeleton of the famed New Jersey Devil! If we weren't sure that we would've lost the ten dollars in 5 seconds playing blackjack, we would've been pretty pissed off about the admission price by this point.
Me, kissing what appears to be a statue of Keith Hernandez' bull-herding cousin. Believe it or not.
Why are things like this on display here?! Jesus, these poor mothers brought their little kids inside the place. On the outside, the only things you see are faucets that seem to run water from nowhere and circles that are really cleverly disguised squares. Once you get inside, however...it's the fucking chamber of horrors. Every twelve seconds you'd hear a kid scream when they walked past this. Hell, I screamed. Look at that thing! It's not bad enough that some creepy old woman is carrying around a severed head on a pillow, no. They had to give the severed head Jesus' haircut. This is truly the scariest thing on the Earth.
In from there we decided it was time to hit another boardwalk souvenier shop. Where we came to the conclusion that Atlantic City's citizens and visitors must be the biggest bunch of perverts on the planet...
Yep, it's the vastest collection of adult novelty toys you'll ever find. Every fucking store on the boardwalk strip carried the same stuff. Nude playing cards, nude playing cards w/ bonus rubber pecker, tit-shaped pasta, jelly-filled vibrator snacks, nipple pacifiers...the works! Now, I usually don't lend myself to such common and baste pastimes...but how could I pass...this up...
Yup. The Happy Jerk-Off Monkey. Wind him up and watch him go! As the box clearly states - the hands stroke up and down! An amazing value for just 4.98, but a few plot oversights we should note:
1.- We'll overlook the fact that the Happy Jerk-Off Monkey has a human's cock. However, we can't possibly overlook that the cock is on backwards.
2.- I can buy the fact that monkeys could masturbate. But I refuse to buy the fact that monkeys would choose to dress in red felt and a fedora hat.
3.- Yeah, I actually paid money for this, meaning I actually went on the line to buy it. It's just my luck: every store on the boardwalk was owned and operated by the sleaziest bunch of 40 year old men you could ever find. But this store? Four cute teenage girls. Imagine the look I got when I waltzed up to the counter holding this guy. Ergh.
I really, really can't wait to go to sleep. It's become real apparent to me looking at all this that I was at least five times more drunk than I gave myself credit for. In between taking pictures making out with statues, buying cock monkeys, and holding rubber cocks, I'm pretty sure I drank at least 17 gallons of alcohol. Or at least, I really hope I did.
Jamie: So how much did you lose?
Ethan: Let's put it this way. You know how the Federal Reserve lets visitors watch them shred the year's excess money? That's about six times less heartbreaking than what I've gone through today. But then again, Matt won a Bulbasaur doll.
Jamie: Rock on!
Ethan: Jeez, Jamie...you look like you're playing air guitar.
Jamie: No no, I'm doing my Matt impression. Look, I've even got the sunglasses. "Here Ethan, hold the camera while I hold up this giant plastic penis! It'll be awesome! Yayayay! Got any eyeliner?"
Ethan: ::applauds:: Simply riotous, dear.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Ivysaur: Shit dude, that Bulbasaur is about...eight times bigger than you. Is he the leader now?
Bulbasaur: Fuck that. He might have size, but he lacks panache.
And that was my little adventure. Atlantic City was pretty fun if you forget the whole 'I'm broke now' thing. For those of you of age who are going there to gamble, remember -- machines aren't going to get 'hot' because you put 600 dollars in and got nothing in return. Trust me, I talk from experience.
So, what about Green Bamboo's new spokesperson? Bet you thought I forgot all about it, didn't you? Give me a little credit. If nothing else, I think I've proven that I think about that fucking peanut way too much. And with that, I proudly present to you...The Green Bamboo Peanut's new official spokesperson:
Life is grand. Now if only I could get my camera to take pics that didn't upload so frigging blurry...