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The Masters of the Universe Chronicles - Episode III w/ Download!
Matt - 08/01/00

Time for another infamous Masters of the Universe Chronicles episode review! Rocket got this into the media section last night... I watched it and realized that there were more than 20 amazing scene alerts in the first five minutes alone, so I needed a good sleep before even attempting the tackle the daunting task that is exploting the inconsistencies and nonsense that made the He-Man cartoon famous.

I should also note at this point that we've really got a ton of media files on this site for you guys, so it'd be appreciated if you can tell your friends to check us out. To be blunt, I've forsaken more money so we can keep this big server to host this stuff, so the more visitors, the more happy fun times.

As for He-Man, this one is a real doozy. After our little break from the Skull Captain in the last review, Skeletor makes his return in a big way here. It's got all the essentials. Evil weapons that make little sense...devices to stop said evil weapons that make even less sense...cameos by heroes that are completely unnecessary, and of course - several close-up shots of my new hero, Panthor. Let's get to it...

Masters of the Universe Chronicles
Episode III: He-Man And The Mystical Sunglasses

From start to finish, the nonsense just doesn't stop. Plot overview: Skeletor has a machine he calls the 'Collector'. Now, the time is completely unfitting, since what does is turn living creature to stone, and stone creatures to life. I don't see what it's supposed to be collecting, but then again, this is He-Man. Let's see where all this takes us...

* It takes no more than 15 seconds for things to get out of control - Skeletor summons Beast Man, we get yet another extremely zoom-in on Panthor, and Skel manages to insult Beast Man no less than 40 times while telling him about his new, amazing machine of evil.

* Meanwhile, back at the palace of Eternia, Man-At-Arms beats Orko in a game of chance, prompting Orko to pour a glass of water over his head. Man-At-Arms storms off while everybody laughs at him - proving that not only is he the joke of X-E, he's the joke of the entire universe. I've noticed an interesting phenomenon too. Prince Adam doesn't know how to simply laugh. If he's going to chuckle, it's going to be full-scale, major, major hyena action. Just like in the first episode we reviewed, you'll notice again here that when Adam laughs, his head tilts so far back that he could literally see up Teela's skirt.

* The other interesting phenomenon: whenever anyone in Eternia starts laughing, they're cut off by something shooting the castle. In this case, Skeletor's ship, which turns the guards into stone. Not that it matters, since the guards were about as effective as statues to begin with.

* It seems like Prince Adam has lost the will to keep his secret identity private, since he walks no more than three steps away from everyone before calling on the Power of Greyskull. I never understood all this anyway...what's Adam trying to hide? His parents think he's a cowardly nancy boy who sleeps all day...why would he want to hide the fact that he's really the most powerful man in the universe with the most powerful tan in the universe? If I ever landed a job stockbroking or something, I wouldn't lie to my family and keep up this whole webmastering charade while running to phone booths to secretly hop into my Armani suits. It just doesn't make sense!

* Man-At-Arms proclaims that the evil ship 'doesn't scare him', and then gets blasted and turned to stone about one second later. That's the best scene in the entire MOTU series.

* Skeletor insults Beast Man again before employing his weapon's second evil power: turning stone statues to life! A lion statue and Battle Cat go to war, while Ram Man and Stratos appear out of nowhere for another completely irrevelant appearance. Ram Man still hasn't realized he can talk, but Stratos manages to pull off a few lines this time around.

* Prince Adam's mother concludes that unless they can reverse the effects by sundown, I'll get my wish and Man-At-Arms will remain in stone form...forever! Meanwhile, Skeletor decides that he must bring the giant statue called 'Colossus' to life so he can conquer Castle Greyskull and finally learn it's secrets! Man, wouldn't Skeletor be really dissapoined if the castle actually had no secrets? That's all he's interested in. What if he went in there and it was nothing but the Sorceress' collection of Vogue magazines and a few pinball games? He would've wasted his entire life for nothing! Or what if the secret was just some magic oracle that could guess any number you were thinking between 1 and 20? Does that really constitute making your life's mission to conquer Castle Greyskull? I'm not going to doubt Skeletor's plans...I just think he should maybe look into re-evaluating their worth.

* The Sorceress tells He-Man he needs to go get some fire jewel or something in order to save Man-At-Arms. Has everyone forgot about the two other Eternian guards who were turned to stone? I swear, Eternia is really a clique for the popular...not one person even blinked an eye when the two poor guards - who were guarding Orko's frigging chess game - were turned to stone. But Man-At-Arms? Well, He-Man will walk through fire for him. It's bullshit.

* He-Man forgot one of his lines! Pay close attention when you hit around the 7:28 mark. He-Man makes a completely redundant (and eventually untrue) statement, but manages to stall for about 45 minutes halfway through the sentence.

* AMAZING SEQUENCE ALERT: 7:45 makr. First, Skeletor's flying over someone's farm, and he turns the farmer to stone...just for the hell of it. Then Evil Lyn comes in on his video monitor, giving us what is perchance the greatest dialogue in the history of television. Here's the transcript:

Skeletor: Evil Lyn! What do you want?!

Evil Lyn: Your power, Skeletor! ::laughs::

Evil Lyn: ::laughs::, ::laughs::, and ::laughs:: again...

A few minutes pass...

Skeletor: You try my patience, witch!

Evil Lyn: He-Man has just seen the Sorceress. He must be on his way to get the fire jewels!

Okay - apparently, Evil Lyn was joking. It's absolutely lost here though...she appears on his screen with no prior involvement and plainly states than she wants Skeletor's power. The entire free world thinks she's going to battle Skeletor, especially after the full 30 seconds of her laughing like the evil witch she is. Believe me, if I didn't mention this now, you wouldn't have realized she was joking until sometime next week.

But wait - it gets better. After Evil Lyn makes her announcement, Beast Man mocks Skeletor for thinking He-Man wasn't clever, prompting skullface to jump out of his chair and shoot a lightning bolt at Beast Man's feet. This is just one of those must-see scenes...the download is worth it for this alone.

* Skeletor decides to make a quick trip back to Eternia to turn the same two guards that were turned into stone earlier into stone again, only this time he manages to get Ram Man too. Glorious. About a minute later, he shoots Orko. Now here's what I don't understand - Orko is standing with the king and queen in some lab, trying to turn Man-At-Arms back to life. What is this, an outdoors lab? WTF? Also - Eternia as a whole must be about the size of a baseball field, because these people bounce between the palace, Castle Greyskull, and Snake Mountain in four seconds flat.

* He-Man goes into a lava pit or something, gets the fire jewel, and manages a narrow escape before getting lava-ized. It's important to note that the way He-Man gets out of the lava pit isn't only ridiculous, it's impossible. He uses a stick that's about 3' tall to pole vault himself about 100'....why didn't they just use one of those Eternian chairs of doom?

* Skeletor bring Colossus to life and orders him to take over Castle Greyskull. Like most bad guys in Eternia, .only...with...a...deeper...voice...than....Bea...Arthur...after...smoking... ...a...ton...of...cuban...cigars. I'll never understand why the bad guys on this cartoon had to universally have the brain power of a dead squirrel and the vocal capabilities of that old Dr. Sbaitso computer psychiatrist game.

* Meanwhile, the good guys use the jewels to create possibly the stupidest anti-weapon in history:

Yep. Sunglasses. Only they're not sunglasses. He-Man has to stick these things over the levers in Skeletor's vehicle...but they are definitely sunglasses, and nobody can tell me otherwise. What drugs were the writers on that they came up with this? Wouldn't it be easier to just have the fire jewels themselves do the job, not some stupid sunglasses that they're calling 'ray fusers'? Lame.

* Skeletor and Beast Man head to Greyskull to watch 'Collosor' take over. Yep, I got his name wrong. He's not 'Collosus'. Either that, or they changed the name halfway through. That's actually pretty likely. Anyway, He-Man infiltrates the ship, throws Beast-Man and Skeletor into each other about 40 times, secretly puts the ray fusor on the levels, and leaps back out of the ship. Woo hoo!

* Sure enough, Skeletor returns to Eternia, misfires, and all the statues are brought back to life. But before he does - the king, queen, and Stratos are talking about the dismal situation - and Zodac has the biggest fucking smile on his face while talking about Man-At-Arms being a statue forever. Finally, a little intelligence on the show.

* Now it's time for all of them to fight that stupid Collosor monster. Even the Sorceress reverts to bird-form to join in the action. She flies around the monster's head, causing him to clap like a the time everything's said and done, you'll swear that the monster just acted out a scene from Guys and Dolls.

* In the end, they're able to destroy the rock monster by employing some highly irregular forms of offense. Man-At-Arms lassoes his legs together...Orko blinds him with special light....Ram Man nails it in the foot....Stratos massages it's back. Finally, He-Man gets tired of watching all this ridiculous showmanship, and simply tips the fucking thing over. After that, one punch to the foot turns it into dust. Yes!

* He-Man reflects a laser shot from Skeletor's ship to send the ship spiraling back to Snake Mountain. The End.

Overall: This episode was pretty fun. Lots of Skeletor and an inarguably ludicrous plot. All the most popular elements of Masters of the Universe.

TO DOWNLOAD: This episode's of better quality than can double-size it and it'll still be perfectly watchable. It's a Realplayer file... Click Here To Go To The Download Page!


- Matt